Typhoid Harry

Mitch Hedburg, comedian: Just rumor at this point, but I trust my source. For those of you unfamiliar with his comedy: Still haven't been able to confirm this, but if it's true, I'm gonna miss him. "Has anyone seen me on Letterman? 2 billion people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store." "I tried walking into a Target , but I missed." "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." "I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language." "I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before." "I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy." "It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky." "I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him." "I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away." "And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless." "When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying here, you throw this away." "I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something." "I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others." "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." "I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself." "I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time." "I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?" "This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard." "I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead." "I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit." "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly." "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." "My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there." "An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work." "I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed." "I was at the airport and this guy came up to be and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good." I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss. "One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera." "I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill." "Alocholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right." "I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology." "I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run into you." "I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday." "Y'know I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches witth three pieces of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stickulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them." "I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top." "I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here." "When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers the'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search aparty of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

It certainly is. My best is clearing them all in 09:52. My best so far is 5:29, but I've been fussing with it for a month or so now.

SAN DIEGO (AP) -- Robert Morrisey, whose love of wine was initiated by his doctor's advice and grew into a passion that inspired him to create The Wine Spectator publication, died Saturday of congestive heart failure, his daughter said. He was 78. Morrisey was also a former Marine Corps major and one-time wine columnist for the San Diego Evening Tribune, which later became The San Diego Union-Tribune. Morrisey was a casual drinker of gin martinis in the late 1960s when his doctor suggested he switch to wine for health reasons. The popular response to his newspaper columns of the early 1970s led him to create a 12-page tabloid newsletter in 1976, The Wine Spectator, which went on to become America's top-selling wine publication. The biweekly tabloid had an inaugural print run of 3,000 copies, which Morrisey and his wife, Mary Jane, initially distributed by hand. Seeking to expand the publication, Morrisey turned to Marvin Shanken Communications Inc. in 1979, Now a monthly, glossy magazine, The Wine Spectator has a circulation of 400,000. Born in Wheeling, W.Va., Morrisey grew up in Joliet, Ill. At the age of 17, he enlisted in the Marines and served with the 3rd Marine Division in the Pacific during World War II. After the war, he returned to Joliet, and became editor of the city's weekly newspaper, The Spectator. Called to active duty during the Korean War, he served as a combat correspondent and public information officer. He retired from active duty in December 1967 and joined Teledyne Ryan Aeronautical in San Diego as chief of its news bureau. He left Teledyne in 1977 and started his own public relations firm. Edit: I'm seeing the wrong damn doctor!

Warning, this is seriously addictive.

If you've cancer in your head, you must be dead. This life is adjourned.

I KNEW I recognized that name!

I have no problems dealing with the differences in spelling, and when I was teaching I let this be known. I just don't see the point in being pedantic (Josco's favorite word it seems) when everyone is aware of the differing standards. Isn't there enough actual language butchery on the 'net without looking for issues? I do hold the Brits responsible for the Teletubbies, though, but I guess, if you take that stupid dinosaur into account, we're even. I was not aware he'd crossed the pond. /Conjures image of Godzilla-sized purple dinosaur approaching London. *shudder* Boudicca, Mr. Claus's demise is no secret from the kiddies. This from my profile:

The phrase has become passe' only for those who beat it to death in incorrect use. The term should only apply to television shows that are still being produced. Too many people refer to shows in syndication as having "jumped the shark", and this has made the phrase trite. I didn't take part in said dead horse beating, so I will continue to use it untill I tire of it.

What we have here is a clear case of British spelling versus correct spelling.

I am terribly disappointed in the title of this thread. I opened it in the hopes it would reveal the demise of a certain purple dinosaur. As to the other comments: Seinfeld was less than lackluster and only succeeded because the rest of the country had never met people like the characters on the show. I lived in NY for a while and knew many people very much like the show's characters. Except for Kramer, I only met a few people like him. The Simpsons was a great show, but jumped the shark long ago. The only thing keeping it on the air is an absolutely brilliant contract Groening's lawyers were able to get signed, and a rabid cult following that allows for certain demographically targeted marketing.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/21/school.shooting/index.html

Got 8/10 myself, how did you do? http://www.ew.com/ew/article/quiz/0,6115,1...2508|1_,00.html

Funny, I always interpreted the Near Misses thread quite the opposite; if somebody wasn't famous enough for their own thread I put them there. Although that does beg the question of what is "Near", doesn't it?

The only thing Canseco ever did that I found entertaining was bounce a ball off his head for a home run while attempting to catch it.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-1519995,00.html

This should be elsewhere on this site, but the hell with it, rank hath its priviledges. Chris was a very good friend of mine. He taught me to rope and let me hang out with him at numerous rodeos and concert appearances. I knew he had not been doing well, but couldn't accept this was coming. Very sad day for lots and lots of fans, including myself, of one of the most talented, modest, and above all, honest men who ever lived. I'm going to go cry in my Copenhagen now. And now, hypocrite that I am, I'm going to go merge that Teresa Wright thread where it belongs; then get very, very drunk. -TH

Look ma, no Hans!

Cancer claims TV vet St-Onge JIM BAWDEN TELEVISION COLUMNIST When Guylaine St-Onge, the talented TV co-star of such Canadian series as Earth: Final Conflict and Lonesome Dove, decided to switch to theatre producing, she took on more than she bargained for. In 2001 St-Onge agreed to produce a staging of Brad Fraser's Unidentified Human Remains and the True Nature of Love but had to take over the leading role of Candy just four days before the opening. Propelled into the role, opposite John Carson, she was lovely and affecting, demonstrating a shading to her talent which few people knew existed. "Maybe this will be my way into theatre. I totally loved it," she told The Star's Rita Zekas in 2001. "To have the discipline of an actor to perform every night with the audience right there. "You get fed by the audience. On a movie set, you're lucky if you feel something at the end of the day." St-Onge died Thursday of cervical cancer after a courageous 2 1/2-year fight. She was just 39. Few people outside her closest friends knew she was sick. She tried to continue working as best she could while undergoing alternative treatments. Born in Montreal, she grew up in the small town of Ste-Hyacinthe where she began studying ballet at 4. By 14 she was taking the bus weekly to Montreal to perform in a dance troupe. She also appeared on a Montreal TV show titled Lautrec '83, described by St-Onge as "Solid Gold without a budget. It was the '80s: high heels with gold lamé and a big smile. I did ballroom, cha-cha, Latin dancing." She then jumped to the big-budget CTV drama series Mount Royal (1989) as Stephanie Valeur. "I had no acting experience other than commercials," she told Zekas. Looking like Monaco's Princess Stephanie, she played a model in Paris, who falls for one of her father's oldest friends. "It set the status for most of my subsequent roles: the wealthy bitch," she told Zekas. She then played a tycoon's amoral wife in the Keith Carradine series Fast Track, which was shot in Toronto in 1997. In Lonesome Dove she played the recurring character of Florie (1995-96) and in three Ken Finkleman series including More Tears (1997) she played "the wife of the rich guy who ran away with his secretary." "Ken had me watch Fellini's 8 1/2," St-Onge joked. "I had short hair and I was sexy with glasses and very mysterious." There was more sex but less mystery in the Toronto-made series Earth: Final Conflict (1997), where she played the malicious Juda, an alien with an insatiable appetite for human life. "I'm a vampire seductress," she explained at the time. "I wore a leather outfit with a triple-D bra size and I sucked the life out of everybody." Recent movies included Angel Eyes (2001) with Jennifer Lopez and One Way Out (2002) with Jim Belushi. She leaves her ex-husband David, companion Zéca and nine-year-old son Aiden.

He just got out of the hospital. He had a mole removed.

Did someone say badgers?

Better.

Nope, did that all by my lonesome. Call it mod-abuse if you like.

We can also edit obnoxious signature lines in user profiles, as I've just demonstrated.

These guys found something to do...