TheFunkyPhantom

You're not too far from the truth. I mean I live there,and I'm a veritable Adonis. Ask my near neighbour Maryportfuncity,he'll bear me out. He'll know.This place is positively bursting at the boundaries with Oracles and demi-gods

Oh no.He's due to headline the big Aspatria Music Festival a week Saturday. Hope he recovers in time? The organisers have gone to great lengths to welcome him to our little prehistoric settlement,even going as far as cleaning away all the used condoms and wet wipes from the alley behind the Post Office: two weeks in advance: unheard of. They didn't do that last year for Dr and the Medics. They just left them

Pope Benedict.Of all of them, he's the one most looking forward to being greeted by the Choir Celestial.Apparently.So he says

I saw him in '93 at Wembley as part of the Velvet Underground cash in tour and was front row,inches away from the edge of the stage and got the full on effects of his spittle all over my face. Apart from feeling unusually high as a kite for some strange reason for a few days afterwards,now you tell me I've probably contracted Hepatitis as well?? Thanks a bunch...

So it all just comes down to 'not feeling right' then? God knows what I'm labouring under then because I've 'not felt myself' since 1979. I fear I could be keeling over any moment...

An obvious one: Qaboos bin Said Al Said,the prime min of Oman since 1970. I hear he hardly gets out onto the water to enjoy the use of any of his five Superyachts anymore.Shame On a lighter note,I'm also going to have a punt on Roger Scruton,the famous fox hunting philosopher and Tory party yes man

She's definitely not Strong and Stable like our blessed prime minister

Self representing now,is she? I thought that's what agents were for...?

Calm down big fella. If I were a mod you'd be out on your ear now for such unbecoming language...Hope and pray I am never given such exalted power as I will have no hesitation in using it for the moral improvement of the community!

It doesn't help that the area enclosed by the goatee looks uncannily like the cloaca of a female eagle owl. He's bloody lucky he didn't get a mouthful of owl jizz into the bargain

Bin,I think

He's just murdered a colony of rare crested newts in order to build a private chapel on their pond. From the air,it looks like he's building a small self contained township around his mansion complex. Lord of the manor indeed.Clearly the chapel is where his mortal remains will eventually be interred. Still rather young to be thinking about family mausoleums ...watch this space

If the 'blood' on his precious T shirt hadn't been so obviously drawn on with a felt tip pen,I might have been inclined to believe him. Owls are attacking men all across the country.It's an epidemic https://www.highland-news.co.uk/News/Owl-attack-terror-in-Inverness-24012013.htm

Let's not dismiss his preposterous claims completely out of hand.Owl attacks DO happen. We're at war with them and we don't even know it... http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3546035/Maybe-s-hunting-eggs-Giant-eagle-owl-blamed-spate-attacks-bald-men-left-shocked-startled.html

He's a silly bleeder