Lard Bazaar

Welcome I'm a bit picky, can I just point out the typo in your sig? And feel free to argue with me in the Drunk thread, nobody else does, it would be nice to have some company there now and again!

Yes, it appears he does.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

Get eaten by a shark in the town where I used to live

Why is this on the sky website but they're saying absolutely nothing about it on Sky News? I'm not convinced yet. I was also thinking that. It would be strajnge to release a video about his life before announcing on the main news of his death. I reckon it's been done in preparation, and been put on there by mistake - I don't think he's dead. Bonus if he is, but I don't think so. I'm not convinced either. I think it's as LB says and it's been put up by mistake. There's nothing in the local news here. I think it's someone on here messing about, just to piss OoO off

Why is this on the sky website but they're saying absolutely nothing about it on Sky News? I'm not convinced yet. I was also thinking that. It would be strajnge to release a video about his life before announcing on the main news of his death. I reckon it's been done in preparation, and been put on there by mistake - it's not even on the main news page, which I think it would be if it were real - I don't think he's dead. Bonus if he is, but I don't think so.

Why is this on the sky website but they're saying absolutely nothing about it on Sky News? I'm not convinced yet.

Hope this driving didn't coincide with "my target of being pissed for the whole 12 days..." Of course not - I ran out of wine yesterday, so bought some more on the way back from my drive.

Driving up and down the A36 for an hour, not going anywhere, just driving, very fast, on my own, stereo on very loudly, singing very loudly. Lovely.

Not strictly true, Winnie old man - you can get a blow job for a fiver off my mum. I see. Does she take Woolies vouchers? It's her preferred method of payment. She'd take a handful of magic beans if you had them.

Not strictly true, Winnie old man - you can get a blow job for a fiver off my mum.

Hey, this idea's got legs Mary - they could revive it with Neil Morrissey, Martin Clunes and, perhaps Phil Mitchell as the grumpy one, and Denise Van Outen in a Nora Batty-esque role - it could go on for years! Hurrah! Time to slit my throat.

Ooooo well I got all excited and have picked a team and tactics, only to realise my next match isn't till bloody Wednesday. Who is Bury FC?

No, it tells you that my particular brand of substance abuse leads to an answer to your question - on my part anyway - that no, I don't get drunk at Christmas, as well as why I would stab someone if they gave me wine glasses. Whether your indulgence makes you a crap mother is something that only you can answer. I said I'd stab someone if they gave me a food mixer, not wine glasses - they are useful. But you're probably right - I'm the only one that can answer that, and the answer is probably yes, I'm a sh*t selfish mother, and they'd probably be much better off with their happy father than their miserable mental mother.

Ah, well that tells me then - I'm a crap mother and have no life, because I'm drunk at Christmas.

Am I actually the only person that ever gets drunk here? It's Christmas, surely everyone is drunk? I'm beginning to think I might have a bit of a problem.

How do I see these things? You will regret asking me to join you know, I'm rubbish, and will ask lots of questions.

You can change your name if you really want to. What, the team name you mean? So I don't have to be Spurs? Not at all, you can change it to anything you want LB . Welcome aboard! Ah, Ok, I'll wait till I've been accepted and think of something suitably vulgar.

You can change your name if you really want to. What, the team name you mean? So I don't have to be Spurs?

I got a vegetable (potato?) peeler in my stocking. Got a few goodies as well, a sat nav, a wind up torch, 3 bottles of whisky as well as the usual smellies and clothes. I actually managed to get my other half a Wii fit. Having fun with it now. See, now if someone bought me a Wii fit, that would tell me that they thought I was fat, so I'd have to stab them for that as well.

I know f**k all about football - do I need to? Not really, just pick a team and hope they win. You could always let one of your kids be the manager. OK, what do I need to do? I'll PM you Right, I've done it. Spurs was the only team left, sadly, although that could be a good omen, I've never really been into football, but I did used to wear a Spurs shirt, simply because it had Holsten written across it.

If someone bought me one of those for Christmas I would stab them. I got a corkscrew and some nice wine glasses. And a book called 'My Boyfriend is a Twat' - which would have been funny had I got it last year, when I actually had a boyfriend. Well, he was a husband, and he was definitely a twat. Sadly, I have neither a boyfriend or a husband this year. But I do have many bottles of wine, so the corkscrew will come in handy. So come on, what did everyone else get? Let's see who got the crappiest present.

Well, Christmas is still sh*t, but my target of being pissed for the whole 12 days has got off to a nice start, in fact it's past 12 noon now so time I cracked open another, hair of the dog, you understand - and I got points for Pinter, so maybe it won't turn out so bad after all. I hope everyone else is having a lovely time

You be sweet to those bairns of yours, now. It's kids' time, not ours. Thankfully I have none of the little f**kers. (Knock knock. Mr McNally, it's the CSA here... ) Sweet to them? I've spent a f*****g fortune on the little bastards, they WILL enjoy themselves! The minute they are old enough to please themselves, I will be spending Christmas holed up in a wooden hut in the Outer Hebrides, and bollocks to everyone!

Yeh, Merry Christmas. Just got back from the pub, and have cracked a new bottle open. I still hate Christmas, but have a good one anyway