Lard Bazaar

Ah, I know exactly what you are experiencing LG. I live about 5 miles (as the crow flies) from RAF Marham and about 20 miles from Mildenhall and Lakenheath USAF bases (you know when you are near those by seeing all the LHD cars laying in ditches with their owners half dead in Hospitals- God awful drivers) The noise around here some days is bloody ridiculous!! I have to say tho, the most frightening thing occoured about 3 months ago. There was I up a pole in a forest when I heard this horrific noise. I looked up to see a fleet of huge Helicopters no more than 100ft up flying past in formation. The noise was like nothing I had ever heard before, terrifying and awesome. I want to fly Helicopters! I went to a holiday park in Carmarthen once, and directly across the bay was some sort of jet fight target practice thing, so for the whole week we were subjected to the screech of jets about 15 feet above our heads. That, along with the shitty weather, the miserable Welsh f***kers that worked on the campsite, and the complete lack of anything to do apart from talk Welsh and be miserable, has put me off ever going to Wales ever again in my entire life. It was the absolute shittest holiday I have ever had.

Right, well having booked and paid a deposit on a room, my dirty weekend is now off (at least I was the dumper this time). Anyone want to come to Blackpool for the weekend? No, didn't think so - therefore my choices are a) don't go, and spend the weekend at home drinking wine and eating lard, whilst crying into my pillow. b ) go on my own and look like a sad loser. c) drag an unsuspecting member of the public into my car at knifepoint and make them pretend they are my lucky conquest for the weekend. Cast your votes.....now. You should have done it afterwards. Get yer jollies then leave. Get them before they get you. I know from bitter experience.. I have only been to Blackpool once, in 1979 when I was 3 years old. I remember not being allowed into the Doctor Who Exhibition because I was too small... I did think of that but I felt a bit mean. I was trying to be nice. But it hasn't worked, I am apparently the biggest bitch on the planet. Bloody men.

Right, well having booked and paid a deposit on a room, my dirty weekend is now off (at least I was the dumper this time). Anyone want to come to Blackpool for the weekend? No, didn't think so - therefore my choices are a) don't go, and spend the weekend at home drinking wine and eating lard, whilst crying into my pillow. b ) go on my own and look like a sad loser. c) drag an unsuspecting member of the public into my car at knifepoint and make them pretend they are my lucky conquest for the weekend. Cast your votes.....now.

Someone taking the time to say a few kind words to you when they have noticed you're feeling crap, even when they don't know you. Thank you :-)

David Blaine is apparently taking breaks from hanging upside down for 60 straight hours in Central Park, and has regularly been spotted standing upright on the ground, receiving medical check-ups, etc. Batman? More like the Joker I didn't think it was possible to hate David Blaine any more than I did, but it turns out I was wrong. He's now entered the Brian Harvey Zone, populated by a select few who I am actively hoping to die. This sounds very much like my own Turner League - people who I simply cannot abide and would like to stab in the face - headed by Anthea Turner. Included are Michael Barrymore, Les Dennis, Cilla Black and Daniel Bedingfield, to name but a few.

You know, in my times of stress, the thought that its all going down the pan, and I think it is, its so comforting to pop on here and read the kind of post that puts everything into perspective. Thanks Lardy I Love you. Regards LFN Wow, if I knew what an impact (ho ho) my shitty ramblings would have, I would have posted it sooner. Sorry to be a pooper... Damn, so after all that, it was me that was full of sh*t.

You know, in my times of stress, the thought that its all going down the pan, and I think it is, its so comforting to pop on here and read the kind of post that puts everything into perspective. Thanks Lardy I Love you. Regards LFN Wow, if I knew what an impact (ho ho) my shitty ramblings would have, I would have posted it sooner.

I thought that was Elvis... I did too, but then I remembered vaguely hearing something about John Wayne (I think it was on Jackass when Johnny Knoxville went and got colonic irrigation dressed as Santa Claus) so I googled and there's quite a few references to it.

John Wayne supposedly had 40 pounds of impacted sh*t in his body when he died.

Me too. (My avatar, not yours.) I look like mine too, complete with facial hair.

A similar thing happened to me once. I was walking through town, and a very small child was stood outside a shop, crying hysterically 'where's my mummy' - it happened to be outside a shop where an acquaintance worked, I looked up and down the road and there was just nobody around that was taking any notice of this crying child, so I bent down and took his hand and said 'come on, we'll find your mummy' with the intention of taking him into the shop to see if his mum was in there. As we were walking into the shop, a bloke flew up to me screaming 'what are you doing with my f*****g kid' and grabbed him and stormed off - he was nowhere to be seen 15 seconds earlier when I was looking up and down the street to see if anyone appeared to be looking for their child. I felt so stupid and even guilty, even though I had done nothing wrong and was trying to help, and it has certainly put me off doing the same thing again.

Happy birthday Lardy, I hope this year turns out much better than the last for you. 21 is a such a good age. Thank you :-) - sadly the only 21 in my life is 21 stone

It's my birthday today, so Happy Birthday to Me!

Lardy, Im glad to see that the prospect of getting your leg over in October hasnt made you take your eye off the ball to such pressing issues. That reminds me, I must send you directions to the B+B I've booked - don't forget your toothbrush! ;-) At this moment in time, you have no idea just how tempting that is..... Fancy getting hugely pissed as well? I feel that I must point out that B+B in this case, does actually refer to Bondage and Buggery - and don't forget your bogbrush. Hmmm, best forget it then. I really cant do Bogbrushes. Where's your sense of adventure?

Would we not have been slightly more impressed if they had called it the "Hardon Collider"? xzandra is dyslexic, so she probably thought it was called that anyway.

Thanks for that.

Lardy, Im glad to see that the prospect of getting your leg over in October hasnt made you take your eye off the ball to such pressing issues. That reminds me, I must send you directions to the B+B I've booked - don't forget your toothbrush! ;-)

In other news, the Pope has revealed that he is a Catholic, and later, amazing footage of a bear shitting in the woods.

I agree with Windsor.

Well come on, tell the story then, you can't just leave us hanging like that! What happened on 30th September 1998 downstairs? He and we will never know, because he was met by another MiB on the stairway who prevented his descent. Kind of obvious really. Ah, but only if he had a time machine and since he can't remember being prevented from going downstairs by himself, he did in fact go downstairs to whatever awaited. The fact that he went downstairs without confronting himself seems reasonable proof that going back in time is not going to happen in MiB's lifetime (unless the service was very expensive and beyond his pocket). Besides, since he did go down stairs there is no point going back and trying to stop it because it happened. Right, thanks for that, it's all totally clear now.

Since the site changed it's look a short while ago, even though I tick the 'remember me' box on log in, it never does remember me - any ideas for a technodunce like me?

Well according to some Scientists Time Travel is feasable but so is getting a Mouse to roger an Elephant. Mary, I have read the latest FT, decent enough article but you would have read it all before. Time Travel would be brilliant, Id go back to the night of January 6th 1983 and lie in wait for the bastard that stole my Dads car. I would relish the opportunity to kick his f*****g head in. We can all dream. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the evening of 30th September 1998 and give myself the message "Don't go downstairs!".... Well come on, tell the story then, you can't just leave us hanging like that! What happened on 30th September 1998 downstairs?