Lard Bazaar

Ah, is it he that lives there? - well, whether he should hide or not somewhat depends on what his tastes are. If he fancies a 55 year old bag lady with a fanny like a wizard's sleeve then his luck's in.

That's naughty, I thought it was the real one!

Does someone here live in Fraserburgh? My biological mother has moved there today, so lock up your sons and good riddance to the scabby old slapper.

Well, it's plainly obvious...... The Wrath of Rod or The Wrath of Hod Edit much later on - where the fuck has my picture gone of Glen Hoddle?

I am loving the fact that the word 'popemobile' is totally part of our everyday language. But I'm afraid nobody will look as cool in it as John Paul 2 did.

He's 71 the guy who did EMU died years ago! Is this Guest Post of the Year so far or what? EMU was Roy HULL FFS! It was ROD Hull FFS!!!

Hmm, who knows - my sister was extremely ill with pneumonia at the age of 38 - and she hadn't had the added excitement of shagging her secretary

Prescott moved to high-dependency unit but 'no sense of alarm' apparently. Bugger, sorry, just noticed he's got his own thread now.

I'll leave you to say that to her face. After all, I'm sure you can outrun her! Fair play to her for having the balls to pose like that, in today's image-conscious 'thou shalt not eat more than a lettuce leaf for tea if you want to be famous' society - I weighed the same as her at the beginning of the year, and there's no way I'd get my rolls of lard out like that for anyone. I love food. My ideal man would be one of those weirdos that feeds ladies up so that they can't get out of bed.

Donald Dewar? Lord Williams? Both died whilst they were part of the Labour cabinet and/or held a major role in the Labour power machine.... Lord Williams? My mind's a blank on that one! Donald Dewar didn't hold such a high profile position, although if we're talking prominent politicians, then Robin Cook, albeit not in the cabinet, was a big loss, in more ways than one..... Tony Banks?

Wishful thinking?

Has Plastic Bertrand been mentioned? Ah, yes, I see he has right at the beginning - sorry.

Unless - of course - she outlasts this site! Speaking of sick, there's a lively wee thread revving up on my favourite footy site. That last reply on that thread is vile - my belly full of Chinese and peanut M+Ms is fair churning now.

Dick Cheese? Sounds familiar......

Great idea - but why are they using pictures of The Human League to advertise it? Perhaps it's to encourage you to die, as their music is sh*t and I'd rather listen to the sound of my own entrails being pulled out my arse with a rusty pair of tongs as I take my last gasp than listen to that lop-sided nob jockey and his two talentless bitches. Gosh, shall I whizz over to the Room 101 thread? Don't you want me, Lardy? I hate them. I hate them as much as I hate Anthea Turner and Les Dennis. And Cilla Black. And Michael Barrymore. And Tom f*****g Cruise. It's sad that we loathe the likes of Ross and Norton more than Stalin or Hitler, but that's just the way it goes I guess I quite like Jonathan Ross. In fact, I have a secret crush on him.

Great idea - but why are they using pictures of The Human League to advertise it? Perhaps it's to encourage you to die, as their music is sh*t and I'd rather listen to the sound of my own entrails being pulled out my arse with a rusty pair of tongs as I take my last gasp than listen to that lop-sided nob jockey and his two talentless bitches. Gosh, shall I whizz over to the Room 101 thread? Don't you want me, Lardy? I hate them. I hate them as much as I hate Anthea Turner and Les Dennis. And Cilla Black. And Michael Barrymore. And Tom f*****g Cruise.

Great idea - but why are they using pictures of The Human League to advertise it? Perhaps it's to encourage you to die, as their music is sh*t and I'd rather listen to the sound of my own entrails being pulled out my arse with a rusty pair of tongs as I take my last gasp than listen to that lop-sided nob jockey and his two talentless bitches. Gosh, shall I whizz over to the Room 101 thread?

I didn't see this but my guess would be Alan Johnston, the BBC journalist who has been missing in Gaza for 69 days. Of course, how dense of me!

Did anyone see the BAFTAs on TV tonight? I'm sure I heard Alan Yentob say something about someone who wasn't very well and his thoughts were with 'Alan and all his family' - Alan Whicker? He's the only famous Alan I can think of.

Completely agree.

How about Dave Gorman and his Comedy Sideboards.

And if any hackers can add Captain Oates's w**ker smiley to CJ's CV, I'll give them a medal. I'll do better than that - if anyone can add the w**ker smiley to CJ's CV, I'll give them a wank. Now that's got to be an incentive to try. Unless the w**ker puts it there himself desperately hoping that you hold your promise to hold a DL member's member. That would be an awful situation to be in - are you hands big enough after all he's one big prick... Cue tumbleweed... I have quite small hands, but that's OK because they make little willies look bigger when they're clenched in my sweaty palms.

Here's another famous Dave

And if any hackers can add Captain Oates's w**ker smiley to CJ's CV, I'll give them a medal. I'll do better than that - if anyone can add the w**ker smiley to CJ's CV, I'll give them a wank. Now that's got to be an incentive to try.

I'm in - bagsy I get to kill Daphne - firstly I will torture her in a cold, dark room with a tape running of a little old lady's voice saying 'It's Eyes Open by Snow Patrol' - how the f**k did she know that answer the other day, you cannot seriously expect me to believe that a 94 year old knows anything about the modern day hit parade. Then I will pull out her little old lady's hair follicle by follicle, then I will beat her around her mouse-face with her pension book, and finally I will cave her head in with my 26-volume set of Britannica's Encyclopedias. And why is it always old people - I was on Countdown and got totally shafted by an old bloke. Then we filmed the show. Boom Boom. That's the spirit. Maybe we should take IainDave along to bore the fuckas to death if our plan of extreme violence fails? PS 94-year-olds make up the majority of Snail Patrol's fanbase, I think I'm having serious thoughts now about killing them all in a vat of acid - I think it's time I went to bed. I have a vision in front of my eyes of CJ lying on my lawn with a garden fork through his smug face.