Lord Fellatio Nelson

This thread will either run and run or die on its arse. Im just flicking through Ebay ( as you do) and it appears to be the Mecca for the illiterate, lazy and f'uckwitt. Some of the spellings defy gravity, let alone belief. I shall start with this one: "oridgeanle" Now I have to give credit where it is due, they have desperately tried to grasp the phonetics of the word in order to have some kind of idea of how it actually looks in print. 10 points and a copy of Razzle if you worked out that they, bless em, were trying to spell "original" In closing, I do remember an article on the local news many years ago, suggesting that peoples spellings were the main reasons why post got misrouted/lost ( the fact that some of our Posties are lazy cnuts didnt come into it) and they showed some examples. 10 points and a copy of Escort " Readers wives" edition to the person who can translate this factual gem from said news article. Ready? Here goes: Arijaber Brilliant.

My worst nightmare. The personality of Banshees Scream has collided with that of Rotten Ali. God help us. Oh, Winny, stop being mean!! All that anger will give you spots and hallitosis. Chill out, make some daisy chains, embrace the world.......give a bus driver a hug!

13/11/2009 LFN: "Are you taking the piss?" 16/11/2009 LFN: "Awww thanks, can you feel the lurve?" I like being me!!

Can I give you a hug? I am at peace with the world.

Now that's not really fair is it, considering I was the only other one who made it to the pub the next day and thanks to that universal panacaea, beer I was on top form again in no time. If a little tired. Although I will admit I've had many hangovers which were much worse. So in that respect it was one of my better ones. I have to say that you displayed an outstanding ability in "getting up to speed" on your alcohol consumption. Very impressive NAP, almost as impressive as JJ.........

Maybe next year? I should think so!

Yes, you did look rather ill, you had the look of a man that had recently eaten an undercooked chicken........ Fair play to you, you still got there, enjoyed talking to you and you didnt puke on my shoes once. I think you deserve an award for climbing off your sick bed and, at least, spending a few hours with the rest of us. DWB, I salute you.

Reconsider your Avatar?

A big thank you is in order to Ali,he is the fella that put it all together, I merely attended and got my free pen. I did get very pissed, didnt fall over mind, and did talk more shite than normal. I put this down to not being used to alochol ( my last drink was in August) but, in fairness, I cannot use it as an excuse for being a twat ( in general) It was great to meet up with so many familiar faces again, I truly enjoyed myself and the company of all who attended. Mary, you didnt miss any "witty comments", I think the ones which had already been said were said by you anyway. I cant pretend that I could do this every week ( it would kill me) but the yearly jaunt to Londinium for shit loads a few beers and chat with some lovely, genuine,warm and self effacing people was hugely enjoyable. The very nicest thing is that I feel that there is a genuine friendship amongst us now, something that was never sought nor expected but has been a beautiful bonus. Friends, till next year. I wish you all well. X

I think you would have generated far more excitement if you had said "herself" instead of "it". Im sure there would have been a fair few on here who would have been dribbling at the very prospect. Its best not to get their hopes up. PS: Will you be catching a plane?

Tell you what, you are absolute pants at spelling too.

If my eyesight serves me correctly, their disgust was vented some 3 years ago. Better late than never, I suppose.

So did Robert Enke. Cruel but sharp.

No, I was already in Hannover the day Enke died. And I have an alibi. Ah, Hannover, I used to live near there..... Now stop the teasing NAP and spit it out man!!

Life changing Mary? He was fucking hopeless between the sticks anyway!! Any chance of a Spurs to Carlisle transfer for him? Go on, you know you want him.

I have to say my lil Clio is fuggin ace. Renault have finally built a car where you dont need very short legs and very long arms to drive it. Besides, I could hardly let Pierre go hungry, could I?

Not entirely, Nelly old bean. Some would argue that because the United States has stopped manufacturing things, our economy relies on people buying things they don't need with money they don't have. Too many Chester Draws, and the country gets maxed out and the bubble bursts. Or something like that. Ah, Madame, swap the words United States for the United Kingdom, its the same story here. I accept the principles of the argument but I reject the reality of its conclusions. The fact that I bought a new car I didnt REALLY need and a new House that I didnt REALLY need has meant some French person held down a job a bit longer, the dealership in this country has got a sale, made commision and kept the wolf from the door and the builders that put my house up have been able to eat. All thanks to credit. I think the problem wasnt whether we made anything or gave credit it was more a case of giving credit to any old sod and allowing people to gamble with billions of pounds netting them huge bonuses ( before the results of their gambles were even known ) and, of course, the obligatory hard on. Hey, bubbles burst every so often, this is the second recession that I can remember and have worked through. We will all come out of it, all those promises about "never again" will go to the wall and we will all be living beyond our means ( a generic term) in the future......until that bubble bursts again. The risks are huge but the rewards are colossal, thats why there will always be credit available to even the biggest risks.. If Im talking shite, just kick me.

You had has name for a Secret Santa and now you don't have to buy him a pressie? Erm, you were due to catch a train on the line where he met his end? The line was shut down, no travel, no ticket to purchase, no expense? Or summat.

Are you Gordon Browns letter writer? Are you Rupert Murdoch's bitch? How dare you!! I will NEVER be Murdochs bitch! But I might be yours if you ask me nicely, give me a cut of your grant, a ham sandwich everyday and a new vicks nasal decongestant ( no, I havent got a blocked nose, I just like the phallus shape) once a month. You sexy young thing you....

Are you Gordon Browns letter writer?

I'm more into anything modern, if you don't mind me saying. The temptation itself is temporary just as is the adrenalin rush we experience after purchasing these much desired objects which sit and collect the dust after we grow tired of raving about the everlasting joy they bring into our aging lives. I may have succumbed to a spenders impulses once before, many times before to be precise. But we must be great resistors of this temptation and control our desires. The key words I speak of tonight are "Resist" and "Desire". I believe that he who resists unnecessary desire will strengthen the will power or "the consumers immune system" and by suppressing this hunger it will lead to a greater inner peace which speaks volumes. But sometimes we find pleasure in resisting the desire. Should we give in? What if we are persuaded to give in? I like the temptation but I seldom give in. This resist and desire thing, Banshees old boy. Utter bollocks.

Hmmm, a devotee to Adam Adamant? You must be quite ancient then. I, on the other hand, may have seen it while having a wee on my Tommee Tippee. Thank you guest, I now feel positively youthful

I agree. Perhaps The Sun should have first tried shutting one eye, squinting with the other and then try to write in felt tip pen. We are taught not to mock the handicapped so why is the PM fair game? Also, even if he wasn't visually impared, I don't think spelling should be a requirement for the job of a PM. That's why there are assistants. I'd like to see a PM be elected for his vision, strategies, efficiency, ideas, leadership etc. I'm not saying Brown has those qualities I am just saying spelling is NOT important for the job in hand, nor for that matter is it a quality possessed by some geniuses. It is a trivial matter, a view I have come to realise when "mastering" a second language. A lot of the words I have learnt I don't know how to spell simply because I am speaking the language everyday but seldom writing it thanks to the international language of science! Believe me the key thing is to be understood anything else is a bonus. As for getting the name wrong, that I'd hazard a guess is due to someone else's mistake and the PM having confidence in his spelling gimps to have sourced the correct information. Considering the fact something like 96 service personnel have been killed in Afghanistan and Iraq this year alone, the PM is writing these letters on average once every 3.3 DAYS. How can one come up with an original and personal letter in these circumstances? I know I couldn't. It must be like groundhog day. All true but missing the point. He isnt Albert Scroggins, Paper clip counter for the MOD he is the Prime Minister. Spelling IS a requirement when the leader of this Country decides to personally handwrite a letter to the mother of a human being killed in some godforsaken shit hole. Its about professionalism, respect and judgement. He may be visually impared, so is David Blunkett, I doubt that he would have tried to write a letter. The whole point of a handwritten letter is to show that he cares, has empathy, feels the pain, understands, the whole works. He didnt achieve that, it looks like something he knocked up while in the shithouse. I fully understand that you dont join the armed forces and then decide what conflict/war you want to fight in, I appreciate the fact that the body count is overwhelming our PMs ability to construct a letter of condolence with a "personal touch" but what I dont understand is how nobody would think that what that mother ended up with was shit. He wasnt writing it in Serbo Croat, he didnt bother to ask his secretary to have a gander before it was sent and, as a consequence, it all looks rushed like he really hasnt got the time to be fussing over it. LB is spot on, he is damned if he does and damned if he doesnt. The fact that he has decided to be damned by taking the route that he has now leaves him double damned. Im bound to say that he should have seen it coming but, as he never saw a fucking great recession coming and the collapse of our economy coming I cant really be suprised.

Who exactly monitored this thread for fairness and impartiality? Oh, sorry, another Simon Cowell job. FIX!!!!!!

At least he had the decency to handwrite a letter instead of sending a pre-typed letter with a rubber stamp signature. That may be true HCW, however, lets be honest, not only is the spelling poor, it LOOKS shite! It looks like the kind of note a million housewives used to leave curled up in an empty Milk bottle for the Unigate milkman to read. Im suprised it doesnt say "2 pints Tuesday, a dozen eggs and a good hard shag please." What kind of bastard handwrites a letter with poor spelling, mistakes overwritten on a bit of paper that could have been found at the back of a drawer, to a mother who has just lost her boy? He is an even bigger w***er than I could have possibly believed.