Lord Fellatio Nelson

I believe LFN took that photograph on his Kodak Brownie. Bastard!

I'm with the headmistress. Kids have to know that all those animals in the fields are the same as the stuff in the plastic wrappers at the supermarket. Well Im with the Sheep. Death, and the knowledge that I will feed the hungry, would be highly preferable to spending the rest of my days with Paul O'Grady.

They sound quite tasty, especially with a side order of farm machinery. Slow-braised cuttlefish with fennel and white wine This lovely, briny stew looks as dramatic as it is delicious. Serves four. 2-4 cuttlefish, cleaned, ink reserved 4 tbsp olive oil 1 red or white onion, finely sliced 2 cloves garlic, crushed 800g tinned chopped tomatoes 500ml fish stock A squeeze of lemon A few fennel sprigs 2 bay leaves 5 strips thinly pared lemon zest 5 strips thinly pared orange zest 180ml white wine Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1½ tbsp olive oil 2-3 fennel bulbs, tough outer layers removed, rest thickly sliced Cut the cleaned cuttlefish pouches into 1cm-thick strips and set aside with the tentacles. Heat two tablespoons of oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan and gently sweat the onion until softened. Add the garlic, cook for a minute, add the tomatoes and bring to a simmer. Cook, uncovered, for 30 minutes until thickened, then add the stock, ink, lemon juice and season to taste. Heat the rest of the oil in a frying pan. Add the cuttlefish and fry over a high heat until lightly browned. Tip into the tomato pan, along with any juices, and add the fennel, bay, citrus zest and wine. Bring to a simmer and cook, uncovered, until the fish is soft and tender – about an hour and a half to two hours. Stir occasionally to make sure the sauce doesn't catch on the base of the pan. About 30 minutes before the end of the cooking time, warm some olive oil in a saucepan, sweat the chopped fennel for five minutes, and add to the cuttlefish pot. Adjust the seasoning to taste, adding more lemon juice if necessary, and serve. Thats all bollocks. How can you, an ex hairy arsed student enthuse about such culinary delights when you have lived off of John Smiths and Cornflake sandwiches. Its like Jordan preaching the need to be a "one cock woman".

So are you more a gums round plums kinda guy? No, Im a minge muncher kinda guy.

False teeth. I feel physically sick if I see somebody with false munchers.

Happy birthday Monkey. PS: Do you wear tweed skirts?

Happy Birthday LG

There really is no end to your talents, is there Mary!!

I've been timid to reply as of late... You guys bash me most of the time and I'm an Aussie (although I do hold British citizenship). You might have the Ashes and you might have an undeserved sense of accomplishment, but we have nicer beaches. Score one to Australia. P.S. I'm an AFL man anyway. Well thats nothing to boast about. We give out citizenships to every f'ucker nowdays whether its Ahab the Arab or Ho Chi fooking Min. Actually I like Aussies, Sons and Daughters ( especially Patricia Hamilton ) Young Doctors the Ford Falcon GTHO and the Holden Monaro GTS 350. Infact I wish my parents would of had the balls to get a family ticket Down Under decades ago. Better country, climate, lifestyle, you name it, you have it. Thats why you must excuse our occassional OTT victory dances. We have sh*te all else to boast about. Your parents may have been allowed in, but I'm afraid you would of failed the Honez English Language test Many thanks for that. Im certain that Honez will feel rather emotional at the thought that there is somebody out there policing the forum for bad Grammar/spelling mistakes. Its a comfort to know that you are here being dynamic, dilligent and tenacious in keeping the Queens English alive and error free for future generations. F*ck off.

Totally agree with you. Winny, you are a miserable git.

Have you got a bag of sherbet lemons and some puppies waiting for you back home? Monkey, I much prefer those Orange flavoured and shaped segments you used to get at Woolies. As for puppies, yes there are a couple at home but they are only small and hardly Jordanesque in size. I prefer them big and pendulous Like this? I got paid twenty quid to pose for this picture. Er, not my type Lardy, however, somebodys size isnt particulary important to me.

Cat pain!! Are you REALLY that old?! Happy birthday, may the next sixty go that bit slower......

Just what do you do to find stuff like that?!

Have you got a bag of sherbet lemons and some puppies waiting for you back home? Monkey, I much prefer those Orange flavoured and shaped segments you used to get at Woolies. As for puppies, yes there are a couple at home but they are only small and hardly Jordanesque in size. I prefer them big and pendulous

I want to go on a swing. I imagine its in a nice park, its early evening and you can smell the freshly cut grass. Its nice and quiet and, as you swing back and forth, the only sound is that of the chains making that nice two tone sound as they grate on their fixings. Then there is the feel of the wind as you swing into it....... Sad f'ucker, I know.

When you said people who can't park, I think you actually meant women.

I've been timid to reply as of late... You guys bash me most of the time and I'm an Aussie (although I do hold British citizenship). You might have the Ashes and you might have an undeserved sense of accomplishment, but we have nicer beaches. Score one to Australia. P.S. I'm an AFL man anyway. Well thats nothing to boast about. We give out citizenships to every f'ucker nowdays whether its Ahab the Arab or Ho Chi fooking Min. Actually I like Aussies, Sons and Daughters ( especially Patricia Hamilton ) Young Doctors the Ford Falcon GTHO and the Holden Monaro GTS 350. Infact I wish my parents would of had the balls to get a family ticket Down Under decades ago. Better country, climate, lifestyle, you name it, you have it. Thats why you must excuse our occassional OTT victory dances. We have sh*te all else to boast about.

A very happy birthday to you HCW!! Hope you got the new wellies I sent you..........

You sure? I was there (sadly near the twats of the 'Barmy Army') and the touts were doing tickets for over three times face value, the only empty seats were the corporates after the traditional 2 hour boozy lunch. Unlike 'The Best League In The World' which can only fill stadia to 2/3 capacity apparently. Hate to break it to you but football sold its' soul to Mammon and it's getting harder and harder to care about which team of mercenary millionaires lose to which other team of grasping morality-free oil-sheiks playthings. Anyway, it's going right to the wire now, who's going to get that last burst over the line? Well, according to the news there were, it was showing the digital display board outside advertising that tickets were still available. I agree with you regarding the Football situation,however, the reality is it doesnt matter what billionaire owns what we still care about our teams. We do tend to forget that there are four divisions of the English league and a whole plethora of amateur ones. Its a fact that the Engish Championship League is better attended than most other top flight leagues in Europe, moreover, I see this league and the two below as still retaining Football at its most raw and purest, if thats possible. You only have to ask Mary why he is prepared to travel all over the shop to see his beloved Carlisle......... I wasnt knocking Cricket, I was knocking the hype surrounding it, the supposed " everybody is on the edge of their seats" bull. I do hope we win the Ashes, not because I love cricket but because i like the idea of Aussie bashing.

She spoke very highly of you LFN, I - sort of - ran into her on several occasions. Back in my slimline running days I often did distance work around a park where she came to do some sprinting. For a muscular sort she could move pretty quickly, and had impressive foot recovery, basically the leg moves of a decent sprinter. On occasion we'd stop around the same time, swig from our respective water bottles, and swap observations of the best phone installation we'd ever seen. Now it all fits! The Carlisle Footy calender in the Kitchen, continually asking me "Is it fixed yet or summat" as the job progressed... Clearly, you had a huge influence over this lady. You smooth bugger, you!!

Must be a bastard every time you look in the mirror then, eh? Tosser!!

Does it matter a f'uck? The Footie season has started and nobody gives a toss. They still had tickets for sale today, no bums on seats because nobody cares. Worst of all, IF we win ( unlikely) we will have the usual tosspots and dick dribblers who will line the streets of the celebration tour route all pretending that they gave a sh*t, let alone were cricket fans to start with. Lets be honest here, cricket is about as popular in this country as tiddlywinks. Its all pretend, a bit like Soccer Saturday legend Jeff Stelling telling us that Cowdenbeath have gone two up at East Fife when we all know that there are only 37 people actually watching the game from the terraces.... Sorry to burst the balloon of our Down Under chums but the vast majority of us would, when asked, say that Fred Flintoff was that Barney Rubble fellas mate. Its just not Cricket.

I hate total bastards, F'uckwits and w'ankers.

I actually met Fatima Whitbread once, I fixed her phone line many years ago. She was built like a brick shithouse and had a 6 o'clock shadow that I would have been proud of.

Its got to be this fella.