Lady Die

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing.

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven?? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . "Feck off!" she said, "they're for the funeral!"

Bugger! She's left hospital

If she dies around the same time as Pincohet they could have a double funeral.

"World at One" radio presenter Nick Clarke has been diagnosed with cancer. He's "expected to make a full recovery" but you never know....

Hope you're not referring to her 90th

Was there a 2006 calendar on the wall in your dream?

I prefer Mr Tangerine Man

The Daily Mirror refers to it as a "heart scare". She suffered chest pains whilst having her hair cut. Maybe the hairdresser stabbed her with the scissors?

152 now, watch your back MH. I'm only 7 behind you Bou, I only just spotted this (better late than never I suppose!).

OUT! OUT! OUT! Ooohhh those were the days.

Surely that's where all the fun lies... The site, whether that one of this one, for that matter, would perhaps not have the following if it weren't for the sense of controversy that it brings with it. I was being ironic....

You mean he was actually sober for 2 days? Maybe all 37 incidents occurred on the same day.

That's brilliant .... except for the bit about Morris Marinas. Isn't that just a teensy weensy bit contrived?

Eli is 90 today. A good innings I think.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates, said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?" The man replied, "They're Carols."

Kettering Town chairman Imraan Ladak, who sacked Gascoigne as manager, accused him of 37 alcohol-related incidents during his 39 days in charge. Geroge Best would be proud of him.

Death sounds like a better option. I watched this match .... death would definitely have been better.

According to this Bin Laden is still alive

Probably because he's ugly & his music is crap.

Windsor is right - Pinter is famous for being a playwright, not for being ill. A prime candidate for 2006 if he can last another 25 days.

Ditto. May you spend many more happy days with the Deathlist!

Excellent rants! As usual a bit deficient in the grammar/spelling department. I just spilt my coffee on my keyboard at work reading some of them. With or without sugar?

Urgh. regards, Hein Does that mean you like it?

I initially misread that first sentence. I took it to mean that all the money collected for people's TV licences should be given to the Deathlist - what a great idea.