Star Crossed

I certainly hope this does not become a regular occurrence as that would make me indeed sad. In that case, I'll have a go too. Nobody likes you, Bru... sorry... Serf; you're the dog-sh*t on the shoe of this forum. Save your energy, sir, and p*ss off before Mr. Hopkins comes knocking at your door.

Bye Kenny-boy, I hope your "heart attack" was a prolonged and painful one. I eagerly await the various conspiracy theories to be published over the coming days/weeks, as to whom it was that bumped you off, and exactly how. We all know why, you money-grubbing, lying, egomaniacal sack of sh*t. Can we have Thatcher next, please? Maybe Jesse Helms too?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Peter Falk isn't going to die. Silly you. Please, Six, try understanding the post you're replying to before before flopping out another meaningless one-liner.

Dick Van Dyke & Bruce Forsyth I know Brucey's already been mentioned on this thread by MPFC, but it bears repeating. These two are extremely competitive and (perhaps) send each other offensive faxes regularly; (maybe) neither likes the thought of dying before the other. If either of them die before the age of 100, it'll (probably) be because one put a contract out on the other. Columbo (very possibly) will be on the trail of the guilty party, 'cos you KNOW Falk'll still be around. They each have their own threads, Van Dyke here and Forsyth here. "I pity the fool who puts Brucey or Van Dyke in their Dead Pool"

This one has a few. So does this one. Don't bother with this one.

I was Bennett Cerf. Like a submariner on DL shore-leave, I was just getting some whoring out of my system... Just to clarify... I was being sarcastic. Sorry, sometimes it just comes out so straight it looks sincere. I have never had, nor ever would have, a DL alter-ego; why bother attracting more derision than I already do? Bennett Cerf stood for everything I despise in a forum member, and I'd like to think I was part of the reason he no longer posts. Good riddance.

Another month, another Sky At Night. A tour of our solar system tonight, presented by the astronomical phenomenon himself with help, as usual, from sundry boffins. Sir Patrick was on top form tonight; he never fails to enthrall and inspire. His enthusiasm for his subject is infectious. For those of you unlucky enough not to be able to see the shows real-time, as it were, you can go here and watch them online at your leisure. Patrick says, "Relax. And don't post-whore, under any circumstances. Like staring at the sun through a telescope or binoculars, it can easily blind you. And don't forget to check me out online, or I'll send Chris Lintott 'round to sort you out."

Happy DL birthday, Windsor. Many happy returns of the day to you.

Every single f**king one of you can f**k off, apart from the ones I like (you know who you are). You're all post-whores. That's my only reason for contributing to this forum; to brand you ALL post-whores and whinge at your pathetic bullsh*t. Now p*ss off and/or get f**ked while I throw the rest of these f**king toys out of my pram. Goodnight.

Anything of value or interest to add, Windsor? Didn't think so. This post - whore thing with you is becoming not only annoying but obsessive. People can say whatever they want, the concept of post - whore should only amount to a few. Like those who post with 25 smiley faces. Otherwise it shouldn't be branded on everyone, like it has been. Aye Star Crossed, do try to be a bit less cantankerous. Or to put it another way, a bit more canankerous. I respect the opinions of the Mods, but I'm not going to take that sitting down like some 5-year-old who's just been told to sit on the naughty step. No, no way. If I didn't respond to that, people like Banshees would think they'd won some sort of moral victory. If a Mod wants me to be less cantankerous, maybe they should try PMing me, unless public bickering is actually what they're after? So, Windsor posts some rubbish that might flit through someone's head for like a millionth of a second, but nobody in their right mind would actually bother to post. I have a whinge about it, which I feel is pretty justified. Banshees gets an attack of paranoia, thinks I was talking to him (which I wasn't, although just look up the page a bit for an e.g. of Banshees' contributions to this thread "Choot choot Taufa. Pepsi Cola"???) and leaps to Windsor's defence, then NAP? No, no f***ing way. I'm calling bullsh*t on this. This is bullsh*t. It's not like I'm calling every man Jack and his dog a post-whore (read my post; did I mention the word "whore"? no); I just don't see why people who have been on this forum for ages and might actually have something decent to contribute can get away with making so many posts that would be unworthy of even the most ill-educated drive-by ranter, and I'm not even allowed to criticise that? Why is this possible? You want every f**ing member to post their every random thought on here like it's some collective stream-of-consciousness blog? Cantankerous you may find me, fair enough; you're entitled to an opinion, but at least I give a f**k. p.s. It does only apply to a few people. The same people, pretty much all the time, and everyone else has to wade through that cr*p to read the actual content of the threads. "Posts" like your incoherent babble above, Banshees, and Windsor's one-liner, are like lint in the navel of this thread. This post in no way invalidates my right to future one-line posts consisting entirely of drivel and/or emoticons which may or may not be construed as whoring.

Anything of value or interest to add, Windsor? Didn't think so.

I was Bennett Cerf. Like a submariner on DL shore-leave, I was just getting some whoring out of my system... Bugger, forgot to sign in as Bennett

T4 back in Tonga for his 88th birthday celebrations although, as this article states; Has anyone else seen "Weekend At Bernie's"?

*blushes* Why thankyou, Bou! Such a beautiful and, I hasten to add, unprompted post, with an appropriate piccy to boot! How DID Bou know I've been a closet Claire Danes fan ever since she was in My So-Called Life? Is Bou my stalker on the Claire Danes forum?

Shouldn't this be in the Irony thread? I was saving my 400th post for something decent, but I just couldn't help myself. I've let myself and the DL down; I apologise.

The world's ok as it is. No real need to send anything to Room 101. Live and let live, that's my motto.

As a naïve teenager, I was fascinated when one of my friends told me that "the Heimlich maneuver" was a kind of foreplay. Needless to say, my girlfriend at the time wasn't very turned-on by it, despite my well-rehearsed technique.* * This story might be funny**, were it in any way true. **Not very funny either, really, if at all. Maybe I should be posting in the Drunk/Bored thread

I see Starbucks have created a new frappucino. Chuck's not happy about it, apparently...

Don't get mad. Get even with the frivolous c**ts. Get some nitrogen-rich fertilizer (i'd recommend a 25-15-15 NPK ratio) and sprinkle a little, very precisely, on the greens or fairways to form large words like "golf is sh*t" or some bon mots of your choice. A decent fertilizer will contain blue/green dye to make it blend with the foliage. Allow them to carry on watering the turf as usual, and Hey Presto! in a few days/weeks, the over-fertilized areas spring up more lush and dark-green than the surrounding areas, highlighting the words you've created. It's a damned difficult effect to get rid of; only leaching of the soil or removal of the topsoil (irksome to greenkeepers and golfers alike) will be effective. As a nipper, myself and 3 friends conspired to keep the word "redrum" ("r"s written mirror-image á la Shining) appearing every summer for years on the 13th green of our local. Or, you could just move up north. We've got more water up here than we know what to do with

You "got lucky" whilst talking to two immigration officers? Far be it from me to make a joke about rubber gloves and KY jelly... "crOUCHyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

Excessive inbreeding had left him with a miniscule brain but, with size 19 feet, at least he could find work at the circus.

Not a great deal. We're all just hanging around waiting for Taufa' to shuffle off this mortal coil, aren't we? I'm bored sh**less tonight. Absolutely bored witless out of my f***ing skull. I've got no alcohol in the house, no drugs that I can reasonably take, there's nothing on television, I've got work to do that I simply can't be bothered to do, there seems to be permanent cloud-cover over the region despite it being, almost literally, mid-summer. I've got a hole in my left sock, there's washing-up in the sink, I found a massive wasp nest in my loft today, there's a whole myriad of things out there to look at on the internet but I can't think of a single thing that I can be bothered to go and look at... Did I mention I'm bored? ZZZZzzzzzz... come ON, something HAPPEN ffs! Anything would be good, but I'd rather it were something actually exciting like, for example, a meteorite landing in the back garden, a plane crashing in the street outside, a suitcase full of drugs/cash falling from a plane and landing in the front garden, I don't know; generally something falling from the sky onto my immediate vicinity would be nice. Failing that, the phone ringing and someone giving me some really good news, or saying something funny, or just ANYTHING would be good right now. I'm half-tempted to put one of Mrs SC's stockings on my head and go rob a petrol station or something (if any were open around here in the middle of the night). Even this post is starting to bore me, and if there's one thing that usually perks me up, you know it's the sound of me typing a post . I can't sleep at this time of night, so there's no point going to bed. BORING! BO-RING! F**k me, I'm bored. I mean REALLY, REALLY bored.

Nice spelling.

Moo!

How much will you pay us? Killing Chavez would such a benefit to South America.PRICELESS!!! It's about time this thread had some more off-topic, rabidly anti-socialist ranters; I'd kinda missed those guys... Who's that bird who's in charge of Chile now? I saw her wearing a red blouse the other day; she must be a die-hard commie too. Anyone got a message for her? What's Oscar Niemeyer up to these days? I heard he's designing an underwater Atlantis-style socialist republic to be constructed off the coast of Madagascar, just like Nostradamus predicted. Or something. Can anyone confirm that rumour? I checked Wikipedia but couldn't find anything.