Brinsworth House Baiter

Don't include me in this newly surfaced, poison spitting brigade, guest. I've been happily cracking jokes, feeble or otherwise, about Best for years- as I'm quite sure he would have done, had our roles been reversed and he had been a nobody from the south of England and I the alcoholic footballing wonder from Belfast.

There's only pictures of this guy riding a horse in a rodeo in today's Sun, under the headline 'Klingon, Jim!' 75 years old and riding a rodeo! Jesus! That All Bran must be good sh*t! Legend!

TLC, I'm going have to disagree with you there about The Stones. Voodoo Lounge...'94 No Security.........'98 Just two off the top of my head. Okay, A Bigger Bang was a massive disappointment, but they've done some sterling stuff since '84. And Rod Stewart a post '84 disaster? I prefer Blondes Have More Fun, but weren't the American Songbook CDs, like, really massive and award winning? I could do some quick research and back all this up, but I can't be arsed.

Or possibly a girlfriend, in my case. Any ladies interested in a pissed up misanthropic nobody with a very bad attitude? Don't all rush at once now. Now if you were able to add rich and well hung to that list I might be able to help you Tempus, I suggest buying a lotto ticket for the rollover before 7.30 and the purchase of some lead weights and string...

Such refined eloquence. Class. Sheer bloody class.

No! You don't want it corrected to 'Time Theif', you want it corrected to 'Time Thief', lol.

Yep, Happy Birthday, Millwall. Have a couple for me!

No probs BHB, I must confess to borrowing the term 'wangst' from Viz's Roger's Profanisaurus, but I figured it was an accurate diagnosis. I think the term was at the front of my mind due to my original self-diagnosis when I first encountered the term; that made comparitive diagnosis far more straightforward. You wangster, you. I actually quite enjoy being called that, I am finding. Not only does it put me in mind of a flashing mobster, but it also conjures images of my being a 'sportsman'. As in...'She laid her supple form down in the hay, trembling with anticipation, as the wangster stood over her and smiled lasciviously.' Another interpretation could be a member of the Rat Pack whose antics made the boy's act take a seedier turn... Or a WWF wrestler with an unusual, and indeed quite probably unique, wrestling move. Yes, I like it and am off to Halfords to get a sun visor sticker made. If you see me driving towards you, you will thus see this at the top of my windscreen: THE WANGSTER........................ MRS HAPPY

I'm glad it's not just me then.

This wouldn't be about an 'i' that isn't before an 'e' by any chance, would it?

Almost a year on and I wonder how Comedy Chris has fared in his stand up comedy venture? I'm not aware of any comedians doing the circuit with a stage act based around the Death List, but then again I don't get out to Jongleurs quite as much as I should. On the other hand, perhaps he decided to ditch the 80% of his act that revolved around death and concentrate on another vein of rib tickling. Then again, perhaps the 80% revolving around death was a sad admission on his part of actually dying on stage for the greater part of his act. Actually, was Comedy Chris a pseudonym (clever and amusing in its own subtle originality) and this poster has actually made it big under the guise of...Jimmy Carr or Kielty....just off the top of my head? Get in touch 'Chris' as I'm dying to know if you succeeded or wisely went back to your job at Burger King.

I clicked the link and noticed something strange down in the bottom right corner of the menu. It says something along the lines of 'in the interest of the comfort of others will customers refrain from smoking pipes or cigars'. Only pipes or cigars though. Am I to take it that cigarettes, roll-ups and spliffs are okay and it's just pipes and cigars they wish to prohibit? Sounds like my kind of place! I'm all for a bit of class distinction/prejudice, especially when it falls in favour of the working man with a roll-up hanging from the corner of his lips.

My god, that Miner's Arms looks like a right Hell hole! Has it got sawdust on the bar floor? Is the pub grub an oversized roach that dwells in a dark recess of the kitchen? Did they use to stage public hangings in the back courtyard? What are your chances of being left with so much as a windscreen wiper if you left your car overnight? Did the landlord used to know someone who knew a bloke who knew the Krays? Does the barmaid have any uninked skin at all? Maryport, you have my utmost respect if you are a man who calls this his local. And congratulations on Carlisle going up, by the way, but here's hoping they don't land in a league with the Villa any time soon. If they do I'll be giving the away fixture a miss if this is a typical example of Carlisle hostelry/hospitality. Brrr, I'm still shivering.

So that rules out crushing grapes, or other squelchy substances between your toes. I would ask what the one or two fetishes are, but I'm finding guessing is so much more fun...

You're not Carl Barat by any chance are you?

Reading the article made me wonder whether they'll also be updating the chance and community chest cards to reflect modern life: You bump into a hooded youth who happy slaps you and films it on his phone. Go straight to hospital. Your hotels are visited by Govt. officials who ask for a bribe to pass improvement plans. Pay the bribe or take a chance. Your houses are assessed for street repairs after the latest bout of drive-by shootings. You are caught kerb crawling and buying crack cocaine from a six foot trannsexual called Gary. Go straight to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not bend over to pick up the soap. It is your birthday. Collect $20 and contract a sexual disease from each player. Keep 'em comin'!

That's the last moment you want to be mixing up your bimbos and dumbos; you need to have the correct image in your mind (or in front of you on suitable Oboe 'sheet music') to keep the performance fresh & exciting. If you finish your performance whilst contemplating dumbos, the wangst* it can give you is even worse than usual..... so I've been told. And it's true. TAXI!! *a medical term, for that feeling of dirtiness or inadequacy you get just after the end of the performance. To quote the great dimbo bimbo herself, 'OH MY GOD!' This is the only reaction I can muster, upon discovering that I have lived the majority of my life in a state of wangst. I just knew my mother and all those nuns were wrong & that there was a legit medical definition for my malaise. Thank you, TLC, for cleverly considering my symptoms and diagnosing me as a wangster, which on reflection also sounds like a term that might be deployed to describe a flashing mobster.

I don't think Miss Piggy is a bimbo - aren't they supposed to be attractive? I think you're right, Lady. I was getting my bimbos mixed up with my dumbos, which frequently happens whilst I'm playing my oboe. I was probably distracted by her implants.

I think this is a good idea. May I nominate Big Brother bimbo, Jade Goody, after telling ambulance men she was dying during the London Marathon yesterday and then disappointing everyone by not doing so?

Yes, Milvina dean is still alive Is it just me or is anyone else getting deja vu here? You know, it's uncanny. I had a feeling you were going to send that post about ten minutes ago.

I take it you don't have many CDs in your collection then? Since Lennon begins with an L, his cds are on a totally seperate shelf and follow slightly after The Lemonheads and since Dylan of course begins with a D, his cds are further up by about 6 or 7 shelves. Or do I have one very long shelf that stretches along each wall and only breaks at the doorway? Or do I have one normal sized shelf at floor level upon which I store my CD collection vertically? Or am I perhaps one of those devil-may-care, scruffy, not-at-all-anal types who doesn't store their music collection alphabetically? Or maybe I do, but I'm dyslexic when it comes to cataloguing (?) CDs? You see? Many angles, more than one way to skin a squirrel and think before you sink the pink. It's non-attention to perspective like this that leads to innocents being imprisoned and Cherie Blair being able to afford £275 a day hairdressers. Or something. My CD collection small? Huh, what an insinuation! That's like bringing the size of a gentleman's todger into dispute. I've brought many a young lass home over the years and none have besmirched the size of it, nor indeed the quality and depth of it. I'm referring to the former here and not the latter, although one would be just as quick, if not quicker, to mount a defence with regards to the dimensions for and of the latter; which although not at the table for discussion, which of course is currently centred around the former, does warrant attention to small detail, which in turn is not to say that the sidetracking detail is small in detail or even worthy of any note at all, but it is undeniable in its presence no matter how miniscule, or for that matter gargantuan, it actually might be. Or thereabouts in its whereabouts, we should neither be coy nor vague; nor for that matter burdened with exaggerated falsehoods with regards to our neighbourhoods or manhoods. I think. P.S. Canadian Paul: With regard to your requested recommendation, lend an ear (or both if you feel really reckless) to The Libertine's second, self-titled album. It's their best offering and, hey, who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Well, finished Ed McBain's Cop Hater... in a day, as I have to say it wasn't the most challenging read of my life, but it was enjoyable. I'm just glad that I read and watched the Serpico film and series as a kid, otherwise the American cop slang might have left me mystified (Bulls being undercover cops and that kinda jazz.) Perfect departure lounge fare. I wasn't in a departure lounge though, just my lounge, but immersing myself in the 87th Precinct certainly accentuated my lounging.

I've just finished 'Rat Pack Confidential' by Shawn Levy and what a stonking read it was too. Been listening to a fair bit of Sinatra and Dean Martin recently, as it sends Lil' Miss BHB to sleep a treat of an evening, so I felt the desire to find out a little about the guys we're listening to. Sinatra was incredible, with regards to his mob links and meglomania and the racism Sammy Davis Jr. had to endure was awful. He used to play the Sands hotel, but wasn't even allowed in the toilets before or afterwards, let alone the casinos. Peter Lawford, Jack Kennedy's brother in law had a weird life too, to say the very least, especially his upbringing. His mother was one whacked out bitch. And I never realised that they were all so closely linked to Monroe, especially around the time of her death. The only one I came away with any sympathy (and indeed empathy) was Dean Martin. Now there's a guy I'd have loved to have had a drink with. Interesting bunch of guys and man, what a life. Make Farrell and Crowe look like faggots. Ed McBain's 'Cop Hater' next, the first of his 87th Precinct novels, which I'm looking forward to. I'll report back in a couple of days...

I just thought I'd take the opportunity to say Happy Birthday to our monarch and raise a glass to her. I thought this was the place to do it as the Happy Birthday thread seems to be for Death Lister's special days and I'm not sure if Her Maj is a death lister or not. But who knows? Maybe she is. Maybe Windsor is actually the Queen and having unbridled fun without us being aware of her true identity? It would certainly explain as to why Windsor knows so much about our Royal Family and is a steady, reliable source of all facts royal. Perhaps our Godot is Queen Elizabeth in disguise, for I seem to recall reading somewhere that she has a penchant for substances of the gravy ilk? Or maybe Boudicca, given the regal air of beauty suggested by her avatar? Then again, it might be TLC or Six, or even possibly Tempus Fugit. Is it possible that the Queen is amongst us somewhere, rebelling against the daily monotony of her job by handpicking the subjects she'd most like to die? Who's at the top of her list? Has she scored any points already this year? Will she get pissed today during the course of her celebrations and kick a Korgi as she stumbles off to bed? Will Phillip get lucky tonight? Should I give up smoking? Answers on a postcard please, to HRH, Buckingham Palace, London... Only kidding. I'm not the Queen really. Honest.

Canadian Paul wrote: I'd be interested to know which music of his you heard. If it was any of his Babyshambles stuff, then yeah I concur... 'tis a shambolic effort with but meagre glimpses of his undoubted talent. However, if you were to lend an ear to either of The Libertine's albums then I think you might find why many people rate him. It's a shame that he's become the attention of the tabloids for all the wrong reasons, as his 'criminal notoriety' has now eclipsed his songwriting and musical talents. And that squint eyed slapper Moss hasn't helped matters either. Doherty is undoubtedly an arsehole with problems and incapable of understanding the words 'last' and 'chance', but no-one with a modicum of musical taste can deny he is a very gifted musician. Personally I think his lyric writing is first class and his CD's share a shelf with Lennon, Nilsson and Dylan. Admittedly so do Lemmy, The Pistols and W.A.S.P, but I trust you take my point.