Brinsworth House Baiter

Did you win? More to the point, are you Carol Vorderman? It was your mention of your wilting flaps in the DL Secrets thread that has aroused my suspicions... Cheers, BHB

Oh, I don't know. I can perhaps imagine Jose trying it if their reportedly strained relationship worsens, although I take your point and his would be a soul voice. I mean sole voice. That was lame, even by my hitherto lame standards. I apologise for my lame pun as I grab my coat and depart. Cheers, BHB

Dear Envious, I am not sure whether the size of your appendage will help you achieve moderator status, although it might possibly make you more popular amongst one or two of them. Ahem. Possibly. But you should join anyway, as being a knob has certainly never held anyone back around here. Look at me, for example. Despite being a complete and utter knob I managed to sweep the boards at the annual Monkey awards, gained a ludicrously named guest as a stalker and...erm...well, that's it really. So join, dear fellow, as you clearly possess all the qualities of being a grade one knob and therefore a worthy Death Lister. I think. Cheers, BHB

What a post! You sound like the classy sort of bird I like, wilting flaps n'all. I think you should divulge your crime of passion involving the ex-wife and burglar though. Try to think of the Death List as a confessional booth, where your anonymity is guaranteed. Besides, no-one will grass you up round 'ere- I suspect we're all guilty of something, so there's honour amongst thieves. Go on, Lard, spill the beans.... Cheers, BHB

The porn channels often do that, or so I'm told...

Once, during my heady bachelor days, I managed to lure a suitably attractive lady back to my flat & er...did the dirty deed. Having drunk a copious amount of alcohol I later woke from a deep slumber to discover that the bed was soaking wet & realised that I had obviously wet it. Slowly, the dreams of firemen's hoses, waterfalls & faulty plumbing began to make sense. Being a gentleman I woke the beauty beside me (who had also been very much under the influence- hence her sharing duvet avec moi, no doubt) & complained that she had pissed in my bed. To this day the memory of her bursting into tears, apologising & then begging me not to tell anyone wracks me with guilt. Although perhaps not quite as much as the stern talking to I then proceeded to give her about the perils of drinking too much & warning her that getting into such a state as to succumb to incontinence was the first step of falling into a life of alcoholic destitution. I occasionally still see her from time to time, on the arm of her latest beau & I still feel shame when I see the colour draining from her face as she frets over whether I'll stagger over & blurt out her dirty secret. Thanks, Bald Rick, for providing this chance to unburden my soul- although having spoken to several mates & acquaintances over the years I know that I am not the first drunken, bed wetting cad to employ this dastardly tactic. Cheers, BHB

My dear fellow; much more of this slushy, sycophantic hero worship & I may have to consider obtaining a restraining order... If realising that women wish to be with me & men wish to be me is vanity, then I am guilty as charged, but your deep rooted penis envy will bring you nothing but bitterness, heartache & a lifetime of sessions on a leather couch conversing with a suited man with framed certificates on the wall behind him. I wish you well, BHB

This is what I love about this place, it's educational service. I'm quite a fan of Bond, but had never heard of this bloke or the 1954 version of Casino Royale. Right, I'm off down the boozer at opening time to win free beer with my new trivia knowledge... Cheers, BHB

Yes, nice to meet you. Don't suppose you've got any embarrassing, student boy's club, 'Cameron-Like' photos of Reaper in a straw boater & blazer to share by any chance? Cheers, BHB

I love the term, amongst the 'other terms' section- "Beckham, the virus." I don't have a lot of time for the coiffured ponce, but likening him to a virus strikes me as a tad strong. Although, perhaps his wife's caught it & that accounts for why she's so thin....

I had no idea what conch was, but suspected it might be a euphemism, so I looked it up & to my delight discovered that my dictionary says it means 'the spiral shell of a kind of shell-fish, sometimes used as a horn.' So it was a euphemism & at 7:47 PM yesterday CarolAnn was looking for the horn! Brilliant. See? You're not the only member who has pledged to post drivel.... Cheers, BHB You Sir are indeed full to the very brim of drivel. Perhaps, Sir, you could take the opportunity to reflect that, perhaps, you are not quite as witty and not nearly as intelligent as you believe yourself to be. Respectfully yours Lord Fellatio Nelson I have only just noticed this, so apologies for the tardiness of my reply, but I thought it might appear rude and arrogant to not respond to what is quite clearly a fan letter. I appreciate hearing from my fans, the base of which has expanded considerably since my triple Monkeys win earlier this year. I should like to point out however that I do not believe myself to be witty or intelligent at all, as it is time consuming enough to already be sexy, dynamic and well hung. Indeed, it is something of a full time job maintaining my status in the Food Chain, which, obviously, is much loftier than your own, my friendly fan who lurks in the shadows of anonymity. I shall sign off now and take the time to reflect that whilst I might not be as witty and intelligent as you believe I believe I am, I at least possess slightly more wit than a person who signs in with a name that, quite frankly, sucks. Stop groaning at the back there! Cheers, BHB

I saw him on the TV boasting over the paternity document. In my opinion he lacks the maturity to care for the child/inheritance. It is clear to me that no-one actually wants the child - just the hundreds of millions that may be attached to it. It is a sorry state of affairs (no pun intended). The only thing that w**ker cares about is his bank balance and place in history. Yes, I totally agree. Seeing him on the news last night he appeared to have won the lottery as against the responsibility of fatherhood. The whole sorry business has been like an edition of the Jerry Springer Show without the bespectacled host. Only in America though, eh?

It's not a new film, but I watched the 1948 Oliver Twist the other day on Film 4, with Alec Guinness as Fagin, the hammy Robert Newton (ooh arrghh!) as Sikes and even a boyish Anthony Newley as the Artful Dodger. Hattie Jacques had a small part (eh?) as a singing barmaid and according to the credits Diana Dors was in there somewhere but I can't say I noticed. I'd never seen it before, but having re-read the book a few months back I thought I'd devote two hours and ten minutes of my life to give it a go. Glad I did, as the black and whiteness (?) really added to the atmosphere and it was almost just like being transported to the underbelly of Victorian England. Well, it was once I'd indulged in an exotic smoke or two. The star of the show though was the dog that played Sike's Bullseye. The way it trembled and shook as his master beat Nancy to death was worthy of an Oscar for best supporting act by a canine. Brilliant. I'm off to look the dog up on this 'ere Interweb thingy... Cheers, BHB

I am currently considering starting a campaign to replace McClaren with Plymouth Argyle's Ian Holloway. The jury's out on whether his tactics will be any better, but you can't fault his passion and hey, even if we lose, the after match press conferences would be f*****g hilarious. HOLLOWAY FOR ENGLAND!

I shall keep this in mind the next time I am about to moan that I'm really in the sh*t.

I certainly hope so. It makes me sick that in this day & age the rest of the world simply shakes their heads, lament something along the lines of 'oh, that Bob, but his nice wife does spend a lot in our shops when she's here' and let him carry on. I take it there isn't any oil in his country?

I had no idea what conch was, but suspected it might be a euphemism, so I looked it up & to my delight discovered that my dictionary says it means 'the spiral shell of a kind of shell-fish, sometimes used as a horn.' So it was a euphemism & at 7:47 PM yesterday CarolAnn was looking for the horn! Brilliant. See? You're not the only member who has pledged to post drivel.... Cheers, BHB

Thanks people, I had a brilliant day. It's like I'm appreciating birthdays now I'm getting older- the old 'how many more will I enjoy?' syndrome, I think it's called. CP- Willow from Buffy two years on the trot will do me, cheers! And I love that cake, but unfortunately I do not share our Canadian colleague's moniker. Sometimes I wish I did though, for I think the name Paul would fit me quite well. Yes, I'd make a sexy Paul. If I was called Paul I might get more women, so I might consider changing my name. But maybe not to Paul, in retrospect. Too common, not to mention biblical. Dirk would be cool, as would Nosferatu. Except people might abbreviate it to Ratty, which wouldn't be so great. Perhaps I'll stick to the name I've already got, unless I find another one in the gutter or something. As you can probably see, I received some quality drugs for my birthday. Viva La Holland! Cheers, BHB

Ah, Jacob, Dean & Eddie- like a chav version of Jackass, with their death defying leaps into plastic barrels and whacking each other over the head with sticks in their living room. A good find, Mary, it must make you proud. I have forwarded this to the Maryport Tourist Board with a suggetsion they use it for this summer's campaign. I for one, having watched it, have just booked a fortnight in July and look forward to riding stolen motorbikes around litter infested woods with local characters like Jacob, Dean & Eddie. Are they acquaintances of yours, Mary?

Welcome back, BHB, and belated congratulations on your worthy awards. This moment however is, for me, tinged with some disappointment. You see, there has been a rumour (probably started by me) around Grave Manor, that BHB, Godot and the Pooka, were one and the same person. It appears that as usual I am wide of the mark, but the idea of instigating an award system, and awarding the awards to yourself, is, I think an act of genius. I so wished it true. Anyway, keep up the good work, Dave. Thanks Dave, but no, I am not an alter ego of Godot or the Pooka. For one, I could never carry the hat and shades with Godot's aplomb and my stalking techniques are of a far lower standard than those of The Pooka. Sorry to have disappointed you, but yes, I agree that instigating an award system and awarding them to yourself would have been genius indeed. New Labourish even...

Thanks BS & no, no popping lately. My irresponsible days of popping are now all in the past, although I did pop to the shop earlier for some milk, but I don't think that really counts.

My attention has just been brought to this thread (thanks TLC)and I am speechless to find that I won three Monkeys. I feel like Robbie Williams cleaning up at The Brits. Or something. Anyway, I'm genuinely touched that I reaped such success without having to offer sexual favours. Very genuinely touched, seeing as it appears Godot was judge.... And I'd like to offer my thanks to Bou for nominating me & apologise for my absence at the tail end of the year, which was brought about by true Robbie Williams style depression & rehab. Right, I'm off to clear a space on the mantle piece & look forward to receiving my Monkeys. You can be assured that once I have my Monkey in my hand I shall spank it without mercy.

Can't you leave this gallant soldier alone, Oct? Gawd bless him. It's good to be back.

Maybe not Iran apparently will only accept a withdrawl by the person that issued the fatwa Stephen King- got beat over by a twat in a truck...read all about it in King's On Writing With respect to the thread...King's quite old, but not prematurely heading for a grave...but it's kinda relevant no? sh*t! f**k Jeez! Charles Dickens is even older. Is he dead?

I tried, BS, my god I tried...but when you hit your lowest, my god, it seems as though the list is all you've got...