Geronimo

Why Mickey didn't get his oscar.

Is that an OK Magazine upshot of Jade's goodies from underneath the Harrods dress?

Mmm, didn't take account of LA's obsession with gays, should have thought that through. Now if Rourke had played a penniless, gay, crippled cowboy wrestler called Mountain.......

Best film: Slumdog Millionaire. Best actor: Micky Rourke. Best actress: Kate Winslet. Best supporting actor: Heath Ledger. Best supporting actress: Penelope Cruz. Best director: Danny Boyle. That's what it says in my envelope.

Bastards!

MPFC, you've been gagged. My own theory is that Alfie belongs to Jade Goody from a long term relationship with Max Clifford. The new restrictions mean I can't publish supporting evidence here but just look at the likenesses. He's the spit of Max.

Frozen Jubilee drinks. These were in waxed triangular cartons and you bit off a corner and sucked so much that it made your gums bleed and all the orange turned to white ice. Chocolate Stingray lollypops were pretty good too.

I wonder if they'll bid for the funeral rights too? They could do a combo package with a showbiz routine where everyone strips off their wedding gear to reveal funeral gear underneath (not much difference). She could get Harrods to make the dress in to a convertible shroud - not much to do there either, nothing at all. They could have the grave dug, all fresh like and she could pose for OK next to the stone. And she could do some "stills" inside her coffin in her wedding dress for the second big day. Has Max thought this through properly? It's the ultimate BOGOFF.

Piers Morgan gets last interview. Her one big chance to win over millions of new fans in what could be the ultimate in snuff movies. With nothing to lose she could do everyone a favour.

Heil Tiddles!

Have you ever considered going on a course to learn how to be less offensive. I clearly need to enrol on the Let's Kick Subtlety Out of Humour course. It says that this time the course will be more intensive. I wonder how this works? A kind of word association re-enforcement thing? Presumably there will be a big RSM standing ready to punch Harry every time he offends. Harry: Paki. RSM: Smack Harry: Raghead. RSM: Smack Harry: Fuzzie Wuzzie. RSM: Smack Harry: Daddy bigears. RSM: Well you have a point there son, chin out, shoulders back..... Harry: Carol Thatcher. RSM: Smack

Perfect for any Deathlister's home.

Peter Falk? Who.

Have a teeny weeny tantrum.

What you need is some cricket to cheer you up.

Not comparable at all. Would more people visit if they hadn't gone around revolting? I doubt it. I wonder how important the current Royal family are to U.K. tourism? I would guess, not a lot. Off with their heads It's not just the Royal family, its the whole aristocracy and the patronage - the peerages, knighthoods, order of the f*****g bath etc. It should all be swept away and replaced by Blue Peter badges. They gave a gold one to the Queen didn't they? That shows just how much the system stinks. What did she do to earn it? A bit of ruling? Anyone could do that. She could be left on the throne but stripped of her gold Blue Peter badge and that would send a message to the world that the Brits mean business.

Does this mean he is condemned to wander the threads like a lost soul? Back with Jade Goody I agree with Lardy. Living and dying in front of the cameras is pretty tawdry. It might buy some financial security for her children but at what a price? Unfortunately it will probably mean that someone will film her life story. It's the kind of thing that Hollywood has fictionalised in the Truman Show so they would love to get their hands on a death wrung out for every ounce of media potential. She is virtually owned by Murdoch. That bastard knows that people will hoover up the Goody coverage and say how terrible it all is, while they read and watch a bit more. It's like the Elephant Man for a modern audience.

The Tories seem to have form in this regard. There was Tebbit with his cricket test, Alan Clark with "Bongo, Bongo Land" and Johnson with the above. The problem with this stuff is that it plays in to the hands of these people. Note they produce their own England golly badges. Fancy that. Lady Thatcher didn't seem to trust any Johnny foreigners and her other boot boy, Nick Ridley made it clear what he thought of the Germans and the French. I bet Carol's mam was proud of her.

Carol Thatcher Wombat.

I suppose I was trying to find out if anyone had an opinion on Carol Thatcher and her green room remarks. Should she have been fired? Should Clarkson have been fired for his "one eye'd Scottish idiot" remark? My own feeling is that they were right to fire her. That said, she has been the only reliable source of info about her mother in the past year. On the other hand Clarkson and Thatcher (any of them) would be good guests for Friday night with Jonathan Ross. They could all go out together. And if it is now open season on Carol Thatcher would it be shocking to point out that she looks like a wombat, just here, between us in the green room? Is wombat PC?

? Very good ! Bravo....made me giggle.... Hmm, In that picture she looks like a golliwog.

So why did they blow it by allowing the restoration? Cromwell was a great man but needed to do more to maintain the republic. He wasn't quite ruthless enough. Perhaps he should have borrowed Edinburgh's guillotine and sorted out a few more of the aristos. Charles II didn't mess about hunting down those who had condemned his father to death. In some ways the English revolution was a bit too early before the democratic model had been fully worked out. It's a pity the Chartists couldn't organise themselves as a revolutionary movement so we didn't have to be stuck with the monarchy we have now. All that bloodshed and we let them back in.

Her sister Rosie's a bit of a fox too, and she goes for the older more mature gent it would seem. Hmmm, I wonder if they sell cheap designer consoling trousers at T.K. Maxx... You can tell the Mail newsdesk has demanded funeral crumpet. Sex and death - sells newspapers

"w**nkers."