Dr Hackenslash

I think he'll be gone within a month of leaving Celebrity Big Brother. It's a shame, though, because before all the swimming pool business he was one hell of a performer. Too many people presume him guilty without trial, as shown by pictures like this which I cannot condone in any way at all.

Football, of course. Who can forget Jock Stein, whose Scotland team qualified for the Mexico 86 World Cup as he died from a heart attack on the touch line. Not as funny as Scotland's dismal performance in the World Cup, mind.

That's a shame because, in general, animals don't live as long. If I were to chose a top five animal death list it would be: 1 - Genghis, Eastenders. 2 - Bouncer 5 - Neigbours 3 - Magic - Timmy Mallet's cockatiel (if it's still alive) 4 - Meg - Blue Peter dog 5 - Cassie - Susan Kennedy/Smith's sheep on Neighbours, if still alive.

As Richard O'Sullivan would say... "Yes, Dr Hackenslash knows Gretna used to play in the Unibond league until four years ago. "He knows quite a lot about the club, given that he can practically see the ground from his house (ish, don't actually live there at mo). "He also knows Gretna will start the 2007/08 season in the SPL."

I would say yes...but I doubt that chimp is still alive. Given that the Thames whale got many mentions at the weekend, I'm sure a chimp is valid. I don't know what the official rules are - but what's the difference between a clever chimp and a stupid human? You can't tell the difference in my local Wetherspoons on Friday nights.

Dwarfs live as long as anybody else. It's giants who live short-lives, because their hearts conk-out, etc. Reminds me of John Le Mesurier's death notice in the Times John Le Mesurier want it to be known that he conked out on the ... etc Classic guy.

And in the line of politicians, I also recall FDR having an anyeurism while riding his mistress. A fair substitute for riding his wheelchair I'd say. Was she giving him a Pearl Harbour at the time? Would have been great if he had an oyster shell up his arse at the autopsy. Filthy, but good...

Just how hard would it be to assassinate Bush (not that I'd want it to happen)? How far in advance are his movements made public, because the Royal Family details are available weeks, if not months, in advance. But I suppose it would have to be a suicide assassin who did it, because a bomb would be found etc. Just a thought.

The way things are going with Iran, etc, at the moment, shouldn't the entire Middle East be put on the list? Or is that cheating?

Then again, if Hogan continues wrestling every now and then and T continues to do jack-sh*t, then perhaps T could live longer than H. Lifestyle will decide this in the end, I suppose. But Hogan's daughter is pretty tasty - wouldn't want to be introduced to her father, though!

This is or sale on ebay, up to £77 quid at the moment. It's thought to be the only bottle of scotch charlie touched that he didn't drink! Poor chap, I feel sorry for him really.

As someone who once studied Russian, I can confirm they have their nuances. For example, whereas we would say "you are pulling my leg" they would say "Lapshoo na ooshee vershat" (my keyboard can't do cyrillic, btw) which translates to "You are hanging noodles on my ears". And to think half of the world were scared of them for 50 or so years.

Here's his pic on the box, if that helps.

Sorry, I meant Shakespeare was the first person to use the word in its current sense. It is a great word, though. I want to be assassinated when I go, as I think people who are tend to be remembered for longer after they go. As do the assassins.

That is actually a serious post. I'm in shock. Boothy was a good guy though, if a little limited in his acting ability. Another case of death makes the heart grow fonder.

But munchkins didn't choose to be munchkins. WWI survivors chose to survive, if they wanted to they could have got shot. Also, the Titanic crowd could have chosen to go down with the boat.

Unfortunately, his freedom was fleeting; he's being sent back for another 4-stretch. Outrageous. I bet he's glad the bullets missed!!! We could do with a good assassination (a word Shakespeare invented, by the way) so perhaps the death list could be divided up into Natural Causes/Suicides/Muders. Could be fun.

Bloody hell. It takes all sorts I suppose, gives a new twist to horse riding that's for sure. Yes, he wasn't actually "sleeping" with the horse...the horse was "sleeping with him." There must be more animal-sex-related deaths out there that have been covered up. Our job is to uncover them.

That would be a good way to go. But, sadly, I lack the fame of Shagg*r Hull and Emu.

Nothing so glamorous, I'm afraid - Bolan died in a Mini. And let's not forget good old Rod Hull and his TV aerial tomfoolery Thank you, thank you. Good old Rod Hull, native of the Isle of Sheppey. He died while trying to get illegal emu porn by altering his tv aerial on his roof. Apparently he was holding the aerial with one hand while stroking himself with the other. Or it might have been the Champions League football - but that's too boring. Emu should make a comeback as a solo-artist, he was great.

Daily Mail readers are not hard to find. It is the second best-selling paper in the UK, with 2.1million sales per day. The Sun is still the biggest-selling English-language paper in the world, with 3.5million a day. But anyway, at least the fake peroxide pikey princess is dead.

But Bestie had the comfort of beautiful women. Charlie has, er, well....

Richard O'Sullivan has a nice, firm ass. Gretna are full-time, mind. But what about Jimmy Glass. And Michael Knighton, come to think of it.

Lady Diana. An oxymoron of the first order.

That's not entirely accurate. They weren't sh*gging when they were strung up, surely. We want cases when people died in flagrante delicto.