Lard Bazaar

But you can still 'flick the switches on however many times you like' - no 'sodding about' with them necessary - so surely you just walk on in, flick the switches however many times you like, and you will find the one that controls the light?

Absquatulate.

Riddle 1 Open the door then sod about with the switches? You beat me to that, I was sat here thinking about that for ages, thinking, well that's easy!

Funny you should mention that, some of my colleagues are attempting to fuse the DNA of a mule with that of a Gibbon in the hope of breeding a more intelligent strain of roadie. Are you implying that because the roadie offered me a shag he was unintelligent? How dare you, Sir! No LB, exactly the opposite, I'm implying that you turning him down shows your intelligence. You did turn him down, didn't you? You need to ask? Yes, I turned him down. Just think where I might be now if I hadn't.....still hitching home down the M5 probably.

No, some of my DL friends didn't show up either - not sure, never mind, I'll stick to my council estate mattress that NAP sent me!

I saw that, and tried it, but not all my friends show up on it, so when I'm trying to select who to send Clive Dunn to, not everyone is available.

Are you saying you had a hand in their success? I'd love to say I did, but I didn't - he was too old for me. Not a problem nowadays, mind.

For real? You lucky bastard!

Were Mars Bars invented all that time ago then? Ask Marianne Faithfull. Is LFN Mick Jagger in disguise?

Were Mars Bars invented all that time ago then?

Funny you should mention that, some of my colleagues are attempting to fuse the DNA of a mule with that of a Gibbon in the hope of breeding a more intelligent strain of roadie. Are you implying that because the roadie offered me a shag he was unintelligent? How dare you, Sir!

Is that some kind of local delicacy? Yes, and thank-you for bringing up a nightmare I had managed to supress for over 20 years! The year was 1987, the place was somewhere in Thailand, the offending object a coconut flavoured (potentially) ice cream with what could only be described as fluorescent green snot topping. With the dropping cutlery technique into the lake below the pontoon already used up as a cunning tactic to avoid the main course (ok, not that cunning but in my defence I was 9), I had no other option but to swallow. Banshees, I think I might be in need of the number of your therapist. I bet you say that to all the boys I know I do.

I agree with Swayze, and you know what, after making that most shittest of films, Ghost, I won't be sorry to see the back of him.

I got offered a shag by one of Skid Row's roadies out the back of the Birmingham NEC many years ago.

Ex-husbands. Every last one of them needs to be circumcised with a rusty switchblade, and made to eat the proceeds, and then be shot in the face. Who the absolute f**k do they think they are? Don't bother to see their kids for two whole f*****g months, then merrily text to say 'I'm having them tomorrow' - er, no you f*****g ain't sunshine, I have made plans, because actually, my whole life doesn't revolve around your sorry ass any more. Where do these twats get off! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH where's a f*****g gormless McDonald's worker when you need one! AAAARRRGHGHGGH again! Then when you say 'but you are more than welcome to have them next weekend' they say 'can't, going out with my girlfriend!' - so your f*****g OAP girlfriend is more important than your kids! FOR f**k'S SAKE! Do you know, if it weren't for the fact that I'm getting a semi-regular seeing to from a total babe, I would become a lesbian. Far less f*****g hassle. I'm not bitter.

And coming a close second to Dale Winton...

Wouldn't you be miserable if you've spent half your life in a cellar with only a dirty old man for "comfort"? Sounds like heaven to me. And anyway, the Welsh are Europe's most miserable twats.

Retro is so last year. Boom boom.

I agree and renew my plea that AMY makes the list (if you need pictures and evidence I'll happily provide) I think it should be Higgins, no evidence to show one way or the other, I just think he's the most likely out of the three.

Shame it wasn't a boa constrictor round his smarmy Scouse f*****g neck

I would tell them, tosser or not - of course I would enjoy telling them more if they are a tosser. Do it.

Tonight Matthew I'm going to be Deathlist Windsor. Go on get it all of your chest, then sh*t off sh*t off is an excellent phrase, from Bo Selecta I believe - sh*t off, Stephen, said by the little specky bear. I say it regularly to my 11 year old. Her name isn't Stephen though.