Lard Bazaar

That joke was a bit flakey. You're obviously nuts (and strawberry sauce).

This story about the couple who got pissed up and had their kids put into care overnight in Portugal has got me shitting a brick. I'm going to Turkey in August on an all inclusive, with my kids - I had planned on sitting by the pool getting blotto every day on own-brand whiskey - now it looks like I'll have to leave the little blighters home alone and locked in the garage to avoid social services getting on my case.

I know it's the Daily Mail, but this report doesn't sound particularly encouraging.

I know absolutely nothing about politics. But I like Boris, he seems like jolly good fun. And I always have a good chortle watching him on Have I Got News For You. There, that's my absolutely-useless tuppence worth.

sh*t, I didn't realise I was so miserable. Well, I did actually. Anyway, I have much sympathy with you on the hay fever front, mine is just starting to arrive as well, having suffered with it for 25 years. No tablets eradicate it completely, although for the last few years I was having something on prescription that helped a bit. When I went back to the doc for it last year, he said they've decided that it's not that safe so they're not prescribing it any more! I'd been wondering why I'd grown an extra arm and started speaking fluent Russian since I've been taking it. Eye drops are fine, but I can't do those nasal sprays, they make me vomit. My dad always used to say 'oh stop moaning and stick some Vaseline up your nose'. I of course ignored him for years, but then secretly tried it last year, and by gum it did seem to help a bit. Except you forget you've done it, wipe your nose across the back of your arm and get a slimy trail of grease all over it.

I dreamt last night that Alan Sugar died - don't know how, just that he died.

Albert in the Ground with Maggots

BBC link

It could be argued that when you're that much of a minger, dress size is rather academic Hear hear - I'm pig ugly, so I don't give a sh*t that I'm a size 18. I love pies. And my face proves it.

We can but live in hope. I am sick to f*****g death of hearing about how she went from a size 28 to a size 2 in three weeks - she's got a terrible tit job and a face like a parrot.

Shouldn't the subtitle of this thread now read 'a little bit on the deaddery side'?

Sorry to hear of your news LD - good wishes to you and your family.

Would that be Alabama blues harp legend Swallowin' Marc Almond? Jesus - if I'd had my tea yet it would be all over my keyboard.

I live near Warminster, about 8 miles away. It's definitely full of alien life form, most of them residing at the local army barracks, and stabbing each other in the town centre on a weekend.

Oh dear, don't get me started. They say 'GMTV' We say 'Big Old Load of Bum Licking Twats on a Sofa' They say 'The Paul O'Grady Show' We say 'Annoying Professional Talentless Scouser with a Stupid Dog' They say 'Coronation Street' We say 'Load of Moaning Northerners in the Pub' I think I better stop now before my head explodes.

The first actress to play her committed suicide maybe there's a curse. Ah, interesting titbit of information there, thanks. I have to say, I'd top myself if Deirdre Barlow was my daughter as well. Oh, Tracey love!

Newcastle and Sunderland skipper Bobby Moncur's copped it. That's another one in the can. He had a heart attack last week after fighting cancer. Bobby Moncur's not dead either, dickwad, why don't you f**k off and play with the traffic? Ooo I'm in a mood.

He died on 20 March, which is over a month ago. f*****t.

Mainly because there is a distance of 42 miles to be covered and it is the best option open to me as: 1: The railway line from Fraserburgh to Aberdeen was put out of service in the 1960s. 2: It is too far to walk. 3: I can't drive, it is expensive to learn, and expensive to maintain a car these days. 4: I don't know anyone to car-share with. 5: There is a shortage of accomodation in Aberdeen, and if I did find somewhere my savings would disappear and I'd have to work more than I already do. Thus I will have to continue travelling by bus. Get a bike - I know of one in Fraserburgh. Haha. Let me assure you, there is more than one in Fraserburgh. Most of them are out shagging on the Saturday, and doing their Virgin Mary impersonation on the Sunday. Anyway, you will have to PM me with your mother's name. I may know of her. She's only lived there about a year, so probably not. But then again, if you're into shagging dirty old mid 50s grey haired bag ladies with genital warts and no morals, you are probably well acquainted with the old slag.

for everyone else obsessed with aliens, there's a brand spanking new thread in the DL extra-curricular because in cyberspace, no one can hear you scream (but they can hear Banshees) Damn you, that makes my 'he iz fit' comment look out of place now - it was so obviously my intelligent contribution to the other brainiac comments about UFOs!