Lard Bazaar

My Love Your skin glows like the kiwi, blossoms sweaty as the crocus in the purest hope of spring. My heart follows your oboe voice and leaps like a dingo at the whisper of your name. The evening floats in on a great woodpecker wing. I am comforted by your snood that I carry into the twilight of paperclipbeams and hold next to my tibia. I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears of mercury. As my navel falls from my socks, it reminds me of your pencil. In the quiet, I listen for the last guinea pig's wheek of the day. My heated eyelid leaps to my legwarmers. I wait in the moonlight for your secret duster so that we may wallpaper as one, eyelid to eyelid, in search of the magnificient purple and mystical table of love.

53% Grade F - I failed.

A fairly poor 6/10 in the library, but a much-improved 9/10 over at the sports stadium. 6/10 on both, which I was quite surprised at as I don't watch sport except for motor racing.

There's your problem. It's meant to be wireless, innit? You're right! I put the router in the middle of the garden with nothing connected to it and now it all works fine........;-) I'm beginning to wish I never had the dumb idea in the first place, but the children are now hassling me every five minutes 'is it connected, I NEED to speak to my friends on MSN that I've just spent eight hours at school with'. Grrrrr.

Were they along the lines of 'aaaarrrrrururuurghghghghghgh'?

This is a howto question, but not about Deathlist. Can anyone give me foolproof simple instructions on how to set up my wireless router? I'm stupid and can't do it. I'm trying to connect my Virgin Broadband to another PC with a Philips Wireless Router and USB Adapter thing. I'm connecting the wires as per the instructions but it's not working. Any ideas?

Shandy.

Pick n mix.

'You are Rocky. Can you even read this you dim-witted fool?' Oh dear.

BBC link for Tony Ryan

And to think I got a slating for saying 'blimey' quite a lot.

I went to school with a girl called Philippa who's father's name was Phillip. I always thought that was a bit odd. That's a bit like the Nigel/Nigella Lawson thing - apart from the fact that I think Nigella is an awful name, I also think it's rather vain to name someone after yourself.

Ooh, of all the cities to make such a faux-pax. Not very forgiving, the Scousers- just ask The Sun and FHM magazine. Cheers, BHB And Boris Johnson.

They probably didn't - she was probably called Joyce Smith or whatever & when she married she would've become Joyce Joyce. Possibly. That's exactly it. Her name was Joyce Something Else, and she married Mr Joyce. I wasn't trying to be funny Banshees, I was simply making a relevant and factual contribution to the topic. Dickwad.

Are you saying that ladies who are overweight with tattoos don't value themselves or their feelings or reputation? Yeah, why the hell not? BS has offended almost every other minority group recently, so to leave out the overweight, tattooed women would surely itself be some form of discrimination? Good. My point exactly.

Are you saying that ladies who are overweight with tattoos don't value themselves or their feelings or reputation?

I haven't had sex with three or more women in my lifetime.

Does anyone know if Pugh and his twin brother Pugh are still alive?Weren't they called Hugh and Pugh? I once met two brothers from the Outer Hebrides who were both called Donald. Donald Angus and Donald John, if I recall correctly. I'm not even sure if you're being ironic or not, DDT. I presume these scots brothers also shared their surname, but that doesn't mean they had the *same* name. Now, if only we could find out whether or not Hugh & Pugh, or Hugh & Hugh, had other names besides their surname, we could solve this conundrum. Apparently the first one was called Neville Pugh and the second was also called Neville Pugh. Which made it difficult for their father Neville Pugh to tell them apart. Phil and Gary Neville's dad is called Neville Neville. Imagine the difficulties John Motson would be in if he'd decided to call both of his sons Neville Neville as well. I went to school with a girl who's mum's name was Joyce Joyce.

Dammit I was going to post that one yesterday, but the tumbleweed that drifted by after my 'chopper' effort convinced me not to.

Indeed, and if my Aunty Beryl had a cock she'd be my Uncle Bob.

I just bought his new game for my PC, Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator, but it keeps crashing. Excellent! You see, that was exactly the type of morbid, death realted pun type joke I was seeking, but the guys in my mind's joke factory totally failed. I'm currently sacking the lot of them with another can of Stella. Cheers, BHB What's the difference between Colin McRae and Gary Glitter? Only two kids went down on Colin's chopper.

I just bought his new game for my PC, Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator, but it keeps crashing.

Gabor has dodgy leg

I told that joke to my sister yesterday and she looked at me as if I'd crapped in her cornflakes. I thought it was funny.

Belated Happy Birthday Monoclinic - I was stuck on the motorway and in a field at Donington Park yesterday so did not realise it was your big one till today. Hope you had a great day, and not too much of a headache today. :-)