Lard Bazaar

What a post! You sound like the classy sort of bird I like, wilting flaps n'all. I think you should divulge your crime of passion involving the ex-wife and burglar though. Try to think of the Death List as a confessional booth, where your anonymity is guaranteed. Besides, no-one will grass you up round 'ere- I suspect we're all guilty of something, so there's honour amongst thieves. Go on, Lard, spill the beans.... Cheers, BHB It's not that exciting, but it is something that I probably shouldn't have done. Mr LB got divorced from his first wife as she was shagging all the local teenagers. Sadly he couldn't just cut all ties as they have a son together. When I met him, they had been split up a fair time, but she made life really difficult for Mr Lard in terms of seeing his boy and always moaning and trying to cause trouble (I don't sound like a bitter and twisted second wife at all, do I? ) She really is a bitch, and she's ginger. Anyway she married one of the scrawny twats that she'd been knobbing, and when they were on holiday, I accidently told one of the local hoodlums that she was away. Well, you can imagine my surprise when they returned only to find that they had been burgled! What a bummer.....I didn't even get a percentage of the takings.

Sadly (or maybe luckily) I am neither Carol Vorderman, nor Des Lynam, and nor did I win. I was soundly thrashed by an old bloke who eventually was that series runner-up. However this was more than made up for by the fact that out of my first selection, you could make the word wank.

I've been on Countdown.

Along the bedwetting theme, I always piss myself when I'm puking after a night on the ale - after two children my flaps are wilting under the strain, and the exertion of heaving my guts up into the bucket kindly placed by Mr LB beside the bed always leaves a wet patch on the duvet. In fact, I don't actually have to be drunk - a particularly hefty sneeze will often do the trick. I'd love to confess something involving an ex-wife and a burglar, but I'm too scared that someone much more technoskilled than me will trace my IP thing and find me out and tell the cops.

er.. ice-hockey type, I think you'll find. Oh bugger, sorry - I saw 'goals' and just assumed - I'm a girl, what do I know about sport?

I'm not surprised she's got a dicky heart, her sister-in-law is the most intensely annoying person ever, Lisa Scott-Lee of Steps 'fame'. If I had that thick-as-shite, self-absorbed wench in my family I think my heart would give out too.

Gaetan Duchesne American Football type, dead at 44.

I've just finished watching The Queen, and I thought it was quite good. I especially liked Michael Sheen's portrayal of Tony Blair, and I now find myself feeling a smidgen of sympathy with the Royal family.

Neville Duke World War II fighter pilot dead - apologies if this has already been posted, I did search but couldn't see anything.

Michael Schumacher is making a good job of playing a twat in the latest Fiat commercial.

Edward Mallory, star of Days of Our Lives - now dead

Are you insinuating that his list of hobbies could potentially be of the same nature as those of Mr King or Mr Glitter, as opposed to drinking weak lemon squash commonly preferred by hobbyists? Actually now you ask me, no, it's something much more sinister if the voices are speaking the truth. In some ways it has a tie in to this forum, though the link is an extenuous one to say the least. He likes shagging dead people? Urgh.

Was that just to get me to stare wide-eyed at my computer screen for 5 mins so everyone in the office will think I've had a nervous breakdown? If so, it worked; I see no animation! Anyway, I've forwarded a GIMP link to my laptop & I'll have a look at it in the next couple of days, ta. You perv.

i'm going for overdose. i could have told you that - Ski Slope Head! The man's obviously piste. Boom boom.

Today in my email I received a Powerpoint thing of weird pictures, one of which was a massive squid. Because I'm thick, I spent ages trying to work out how to post a picture of it here, without having to post the whole Powerpoint thing. I eventually gave up. Having just had another look at the picture, I realise that not only am I a technospaz, I'm also a squidspaz, because it's actually a picture of a big jellyfish. What a waste of my time. Anyway, I think the squid-related member of this year's list is Ronnie Biggs. Something to do with the picture on the cover of The Great Rock n Roll Swindle.

Hurrah for a happy ending! Thanks for keeping us updated Captain.

Any news on the pussy?

Oh dear, I'm starting to be quite concerned about this anonymous cat now - I do hope there will be a happy ending. Couldn't he take a lesson from his furry cousin in and just jump?

This is one of those slightly shocking ones that you never expected. Quite sad really.

Solicitors. Lazy, incompetent, money-grabbing, lying bastard fuckwits. I'm sorry for this pathetic excuse for a rant, but the only thing I can think of to say is AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHG f*****g BASTARD f***kers DO THE f*****g JOB I'M PAYING YOU THOUSANDS FOR AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH I really need a lie down I don't feel well. Oooo look f*****t doesn't get censored. Oh hang on, f*****t does but fuckwits doesn't.

Do you know what, if he died I think we'd mark the following day by logging on and posting as usual, with some increased activity around Clive's thread. The sun would still rise....etc. Re who we'd adopt as a - sort of - mascot. I think we're looking for an actor, long out of work, not too old, and I think Dickie O has to be our man. or Dick Van Dyke? I vote Dickie Davies.

That's not a news story - women all over the world marry lifeless, uncommunicative, smelly, useful-only-when-stiff lumps of flesh every day.

I am very impressed by the size of his trousers.

I taught a lad called Constantine, he used to get called Tino. His brother was called Franzsiskus, he called Franz. I don't why they didn't just name him Franz to start off with. It drives me mad when my mum calls me Ana. If she'd wanted to call me that why not name me that and not Andrea? I agree. I work in the old people sector, and loads of them have completely different names to what they were born with, for instance they will say 'my name's Dorothy but I'm known as Peg'. Why? Peg is nothing like Dorothy. And a friend of mine has two sons who she calls by their middle names, if she wanted to call them their middle names, why not just make them the first names? My favourite old people's names are from father's who really wanted a son badly but got a daughter. For example - Williamina and Andrewina (Minnie and Ina). Why? Another one would be Constance (Connie) I've come across Donaldina, 2 odd names I have come across over the years were Fanny McLatchie and Nimrod Boggs . My friend went on a luxury holiday to some paradise island for her 50th birthday last year. On one of the excursions on a yacht around the islands she met another holidaymaker, a middle aged American man who's name was Sterling McFaff.

I doubt that singer/songwriter Gary Barlow will turn out to be be Famine.. To echo a previous post, harsh....but very fair.