Lord Fellatio Nelson

This is going to sound blindingly obvious but dont you tape some of the programmes? When our youngest was, er, young, she could be plonked on the sofa in front of the TV watching "Come Outside" over and over. They watch, you can sit with them and doze a bit..............

I wish someone would see off Jonathan Ross and that other waste of the licence fee, Russell Grant. Prats. Fame-hungry young bird sleeps with the world's biggest shagger, and then cries because he blabbed about it? If she was that bothered about what Grandpa would think she shouldn't have dropped 'em in the first place. She slept with him simply for the fame. I've got no sympathy for her, in fact I think it's f*****g hilarious. All these twatty Daily Mail readers up in arms - they should try getting worked up about something important. And has Andrew Sachs ever actually been in anything else apart from Fawlty Towers? Lardy, you are all heart!! I like it. As for Ross and Brand, what a couple of w**nkers. Brand is as funny as herpes and Johnathan "Mr Arse licker" Ross proves beyond doubt that the Beeb needs to be self funding. I do object to paying a licence fee that pays that knob ends wages. To clarify the career of Mr Sachs. I do recall a series that he was the lead in back in, I think the early 80s, which was so bad it was pulled from the schedules after one episode. Ironically, for this site, I believe it was called Dead Ernest, which was about a pools winner who dies on the night he collects the cheque. A Champagne cork hits him between the eyes. Yep, it was f*****g hysterical.

Sometimes, just sometimes everything is just RIGHT. The birds are a singing, there is a spring in the step and everything just fits together like a hand in a glove. Happiness. Today, Ladies and Gents, I feel wonderful!

Dear Monkey, May I suggest it be used as a target range for the RAF? The place is a shithole already, a few thousand "Drops" by the boys in Blue would hardly make a difference.

If only - unfortunately I'm led to believe that LFN is considerably older than me, so there will be no briefs involved in our encounter, I can tell you. Charming!!

BS, trust me on this, I can handle myself very well indeed. Violence solved the Hitler problem, and a bit of violence towards the Mugabe machine would do much to solve the humanitarian crisis taking place in Zimbabwe. I think that feeding a scrote his bollocks will focus his mind and body into behaving himself. Your view belongs with Houses made of Sweets, Harry Potter and La, La land. Im actually going to respect your point of view tho BS, IF or when you become a Father to a Daughter, please comment. Until then your views on Parenthood are as relevant as my views on Brain surgery.

I have a very expandable sense of humor but to state the obvious, I'm not applauding. Should I feel inclined to direct irrelevant sh*t towards you from now on? From now on, following your posts, I should make a very spontaneous comment. It might be something like "Hey Berk, hows it going!" and it would only be a one liner at your level. (You know, Berk as in the rhyming slang "Berkely Hunt.") Maybe you'll also find that applaudable. I'm not a stepping stone to irrelevant posts which are intended to make me look like the asshole. Let's understand that. I've adjusted my posting style mainly because it had to be done and I'm advising that when relating to me, you do the same. I'm not going to imply that you should go f**k off for another three years and then come wondering back with off-topic one liners which are completely irrelevent. However, the pathetic attempts to insult me or something have reached the limit. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. Adjusted your posting style?! You have gone and done a Wurzel Gummidge and swapped f*****g heads BS. Its like you have gone from being Robert Mugabe to Desmond Tutu. Amazing!

I am, obviously. Im also meeting Lardy at the station.

Why are you in a mood, Bllowie? Dad found out that his daughter isnt quite as sensible as he was led to believe. There is a local lad who is going to have his bollocks removed and shoved down his throat. Ouch. No, no!! Shes not in the pudding club, if she was Id kill him not feed him his bollocks.

Why are you in a mood, Bllowie? Dad found out that his daughter isnt quite as sensible as he was led to believe. There is a local lad who is going to have his bollocks removed and shoved down his throat.

Im bored. Got a whole bottle of Vodka in the Fridge, cant be arsed. I did have 8 bottles of Bud the other night in the company of an amazing person. You need to drink in good company or its sh*t. If BS is about, Id like to kick his f*****g head in. Im in that kind of mood.

Happy Birthday Handy, you young pup, you!! Have a great day.

Holy f**k!! Im that shocked, Im unable to read your post. I shall have to go and lay down.

Cookery Programmes!!!! Im absolutely f*****g steaming!!!!!!!!!!! Why the f**k should I have to endure that kind of shite? Totally, totally wrong. Im refusing to be in the same room as the TV......

It sounds like the problem your bird has is reading out aloud what she's reading....... Is it a religious problem? Can any of us helpful souls "cure" her? Can we put Sunderland AFC fans in Room 101, please? They're always slagging the other fans off - particuarly their arch rivals Newcastle - who I've supported since I moved down here from Glasgow. Anubis the Jackal - if you don't stop writing such filth, I'll get your posts pulled. And what, may I ask, Is wrong with a bit of filth? Im quite partial to all that European filth from the 70s, dodgy background music and all. Anubis, I kinow I referred to Jilly - who you accurately described as divine - as my pet - because that is an affectionate nickname given to loved ones in the North East - or indeed in Glasgow. And Scot's not sleeping with Jilly - he's got his own girl - a nurse who works with me at the hospital. Would that be a Mental hospital by any chance? Are you certain that you actually work there? Are you really a patient? Have you met Banshees Scream? As Jimmy Jones used to say "could appen!"

It sounds like the problem your bird has is reading out aloud what she's reading....... Is it a religious problem? Can any of us helpful souls "cure" her? Can we put Sunderland AFC fans in Room 101, please? They're always slagging the other fans off - particuarly their arch rivals Newcastle - who I've supported since I moved down here from Glasgow. Anubis the Jackal - if you don't stop writing such filth, I'll get your posts pulled. And what, may I ask, Is wrong with a bit of filth? Im quite partial to all that European filth from the 70s, dodgy background music and all.

I agree with you on that point. It was looking good for Salmond until the current banking crisis. The 'arc of prosperity' he was banging on about all of last year has fallen apart over the last month. Can you imagine if Scotland was independent? Her two largest banks up sh*t creek and not enough capital to prop them up? I don't pretend to be an economist, but even I can see that doesn't bode well. Also didn't Salmond say that he would have proped HBOS up with £100bn? Where is he getting that money from? But then according to some, I'm wrong. Something about oil revenues which we will be saving up from day one of independence (Christ knows how we are going to prop up our large public sector when we are saving all this money, especially as we are supposed to be emulating the low-tax Celtic Tiger). Then they generally say something about wind and wave farms? Anyway, with regards to University fees - I do agree with you (I'm not really that arrogant). Rather than have a system where all Scots get their education paid for - and all English students do not - I think a fairer national solution should be met. The poorest families - regardless of which side of the border they live - should be given assistance. I do sometimes question free University education for all Scots when a good proportion of students come from fairly affluent backgrounds. But then perhaps I'm just getting over idealistic. I'll take it that you were a late developer then? Lol, Ok, ok Winny. We actually agree on things. How unusual!!

Tell you what, you can have her bones back, you can even have all the Scotish people living in England back ( lots of them) and, in return, can we have all that money back that is handed over every year to allow the Scottish people all the freebies us English have to pay for, like your f*****g education Windsor. Stop bleating and thank your lucky stars that you are being spoon fed by the likes of hard working English taxpayers like ME!!!! Yes, I know. Its great isn't it? We are practically Royalty - living the good life thanks to you English taxpayers. God forbid that the Scots actually contribute to the exchequer. Anyway - you best be off to bed now as its after half nine. You best get a good nights sleep before starting another day of work to support young sawney here. Proportionately, the contribution is f**k all. That monstrosity of the "Parliament" Building would have had you all eating Fag ends and living in cardboard boxes if it hadnt been so heavily subsidised. Its also comforting to know that should I wish to put my daughter through University, I will need to sell my arsehole to do it, however, I can put young Hamish Mctavish through the full Monty, at any Scottish University, for free. How nice. Its quite gratifying to see so many Nationalists screaming for independence knowing full well that It will never happen. I mean, what would they do if it did? sh*t themselves. PS: I can go to bed at whatever time I want. You, however, are barely old enough to have pubes around your scrotum and, perhaps, its you that needs to be tucked into bed nice and early.

Tell you what, you can have her bones back, you can even have all the Scotish people living in England back ( lots of them) and, in return, can we have all that money back that is handed over every year to allow the Scottish people all the freebies us English have to pay for, like your f*****g education Windsor. Stop bleating and thank your lucky stars that you are being spoon fed by the likes of hard working English taxpayers like ME!!!! Now thats a rant sonny. PS: This is not an anti scottish rant ( LG would have my guts for garters if it was) I actually believe in the Union. I dont, however, believe that things are overly fair.

A female Midget goes to her GP. "Doctor, you have to help me!! Everytime I walk I get the most god awful pain in my minge "The pain is horrendous, its got to the point where I can barely walk." The doctor gestures to the midget to climb up on the couch. "Could you please bring your knees up to your chest", says the doctor The Midget duly obliges and watches in fear as the Doctor disappears to her groin for an examination. After a few minutes the Doctor gets up and goes to fetch some instruments. As he returns, the midget is now terrified as to what he has discovered. By now the Midget is beside herself with fear as she watches the Doctor take scissors and scalpel to her nether regions. After a few minutes the Doctor tells her to get off the couch and stand up. "Now walk across the floor" says the Doctor. Tentatively, the Midget takes those first few steps, then some more until she is hopping and skipping across the floor. "Oh Doctor Thank you!!!" "The pain has gone, you have given me my life back!!!" "What was wrong with me?" "Oh nothing" says the Doctor "I just cut the tops of your wellies off" Boom, Boom.

Lardy, could it be possible that you are my long lost Twin? Alternatively, are you psychic? Just wondering.

If proof of the above ( Mr Cutler ) was needed. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LddPuhzt0F4 Enjoy.....

Well, they have to teach somewhere You know HCW, I may, just may have gone along with that ( tongue in cheek) but the statement falls on its arse when you say Ivor "Oh look a thistle" Cutler. You know Im right!

Isnt it strange that the majority of names put forward have all reached the pinnacle of success in ENGLAND.

Why am I getting vivid images of Neil from "The Young Ones" when I read this?