TAFKAG

I wonder if Kerry Katona will land the role in the TV movie Poppadoomed!: The Jane Goodie Story. Directed by Ken Russell and featuring Sunetra Sarker as Shilpa Fuckawala, Dot Cotton as Jane's Mum and A Traffic Cone as Jack Tweed. Apparently, Jane is also a monkey who teaches children how to grow up.

Hobbits are extinct?! When did that happen?

For Yvonne, on her birthday. I’m wishing you another year Of laughter, joy and fun, Surprises, love and happiness, And when your birthday’s done, I hope you feel deep in your heart, As your birthdays come and go, How very much you mean to me, More than you can know. I'll leave you with this final thought Though it may drive you crazy - I doubt you'll ever to get to shag The arse off Patrick Swayze (or Robbie Williams)

Friend of Ron Goldman arrives at court thirteen years late.

Estelle Bennett, Ronnie Spector's sister and one third of the Ronettes, has died according to Ronnie's website.

In this week's Sculpture News... If you see a 50m-high white horse on the north Kent plains in the next year or so, don't worry, it's not the drugs. and finally... The B of the Bang has become the B in the Bin.

Have you ever considered going on a course to learn how to be less offensive. I clearly need to enrol on the Let's Kick Subtlety Out of Humour course.

The inbred, piggy-eyed, flap-eared, horse-faced, racist ginger cuntwit has been sent on a course to learn to be less offensive.

He made my DDP final 30, if it's any consolation. As did the unselected 92(allegedly)-year-old Egon Ronay, who has, as far as the search function indicates, never once been mentioned here.

No it isn't, just wait until some public do-gooder or some conspiciously ill person raising money for charity is at death's door. Or some respectable type on the edge of celebrity - like Jill Sinclair - gets shot by her son's air rifle. It's more a matter of cirumstances than time. You're still dreaming of the halcyon days of 2004-2006. Jane Tomlinson's death in late 2007 didn't elicit one single rant, despite her being the proud owner of a 26-page thread full of totally disrespectful yet amusing bitchiness. Why do you think that is? Possibly because there are millions more websites out there for people to whinge incoherently on today than there were during the night of the Hunter. Potential ranters aka guests are currently unable to post in threads started by a guest, by some quirk of fate or technology. Into which category Tomlinson's falls. Not that anyone gives a stuff about the minging illness-faking drama queen anymore.

Heart bypass surgery for Joe Kinnear. I hope he's a little more tolerant towards doctors than journalists.

I'll bet you it isn't.

No, just her waste.

What is it with the Super Bowl and 'wardrobe malfunctions'? No doubt the tackle was lined up inside the tight end etc.

Was Morph there? Poor Tony's hardly cold, yet Morph and Chas have moved onwards and upwards into the world of high fashion. I hope the ungrateful swines overdose or become anorexic.

No way, the power of Yvonne's doggerel will cure him any moment now.

Looks like Phil's been using his legendary Well of Sound © again. River Deep, Fountain High. What the f**k?

So which word was it? In the absence of muppet or grampus or any outlandish words at all, I'm plumping for either swill or nucular nuclear. Or did Jon Favreau freeze you out, Mr Miser?

False death syndrome is causing quite a rumpus at Wikipedia.

It was probably a wise move demoting Eric from the 2009 list and it's nice to see him still treading the boards. Any West Country DLers care to toddle along tomorrow and see how he's doing?

Followed a day later by Welsh international Vic Crowe, who missed that game through injury but later captained and managed Villa.

Being an arty farty ex-film student type who tends to watch worthy 3-hour Iranian dramas about a peasant taking his donkey to market (oh, the mise-en-scène...) and having never seen a Rocky of any numeral, I approached The Wrestler with some trepidation, but was pleasantly surprised. A bit hokey naturally, but Mickey mumbled and huffed and puffed to good effect, while the wrestling scenes were kept to a minimum and looked pretty 'realistic'. Paul E Normous - that has to be the worst nickname in wrestling history, nay the history of sport. What? Worse than Hugh Morrus, the laughing man? Or his alter ego, General Hugh E. Rection? I don't want this to be a boner contention, but surely it's General Hugh G Rection?

To no-one's surprise, Kony didn't show up and the deal's off for now. Let's hope he's dead. The governments of Uganda, the Democratic Republic of Congo and Sudan have just launched a joint military offensive against Joseph Kony's Lords Resistance Army bases. He seem to have run out of friends in high places, hopefully he'll be killed at some point in the next few hours, unless he's dead already. If you believe 'Uganda's leading website', the net is closing on Kony in Operation Lightning Thunder (catchy title). Five rebel commanders have allegedly been captured and Brig. Patrick Kankiriho has vowed "my aim is to accomplish my mission and I will do it. We shall get him." Go Patrick.

Wow, they shot him!!! Nah, not bloody likely...