Madcow

Ian Carmichael (Lord Peter Wimsey & Bertie Wooster, among others) died aged 89. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandra...es-aged-89.html

I saw a photo of Hillary Clinton today. I think she's turning in to Cilla Black!

One of today's rags has a list of Mr Doherty's various court appearences since 2003, which total 45. If we were in America, under the three strike rule, would he currently be serving 15 life sentences?

Amid the furore over ebay's banning and subsequent apology over the Dad's Army game, I had a quick squizz at the other other 1541 'not banned' items and found this little gem at £29.99! http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?Vie...%3D1&_rdc=1 A bargain, as other sellers have similar items for twice the price. Potential for a Death Lister investment, perhaps?

Zsa Zsa has been was snapped out, with her husband, for the first time in 2 years. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/artic...appearance.html

How on earth has this twat managed to dodge the bullet again? A £750 fine for taking 13 baggies to a court appearance? They should have made him use it all up to prove he wasn't intending to deal. At the very least he should get a few weeks in a cell getting fisted by a hairy scouse .

Don't forget, only parts of Joan Rivers are 76. The plastic bits are much younger!

The other day I was walking through a shopping precinct, just on my way from A to B, wrapped up in my own little world as I mentally ticked off the things I needed to do. When I was accosted by a geezer trying to sell me Gas/Electricity packages or somesuch. "No thanks," I said. "OK," he said. No problem. but as I walked on, his colleague shouted after me: "Never mind, it's only Monday. You've got the rest of the week to smile." I continued for a few paces, then I thought, no, I'm not standing for that. so I stopped. Turned. Walked very slooooowly back with my gaze fixed on him. In a low and menacing tone, I said "What did you say?" Backtracking furiously, he stammered something incoherent " I was just ... er, I only, er ...." "You don't know me, do you?" I continued. "Er ... no." "You know nothing of me or my circumstances, or those of any members of my family, do you?" "Er, no." (swallowed nervously) "I apologise." With a pointed look at the company name on their display, I said, "Just think before opening your gob then." Actually (thankfully) there was nothing majorly wrong in my life, but arseholes like him aren't to know, are they. I have found that the best way to be ignored by 'chuggers' is to push someone in a wheelchair. As we all know, people in wheelchairs carry all sorts of nasty contagions which can be transmitted by speaking to them. Nobody will come near. Also, I once got so fed up with market researchers, etc, accosting me in Worcester High St that I told them to F'off as they made a bee line for me. I got three cheers and a round of applause from my fellow shoppers.

Rest in peace, Mrs Spartacus! Well done DDT for picking her from Bruno's list.

Jeff Conaway (Taxi, Grease & Babylon5) has apparently had a brain haemorrhage and broken several bits falling downstairs.

Springfield, Ohio This is based on London being about 367 miles from Berlin and, if you travel 364 miles from The Pentagon, you will end up in Springfield! That's close enough for me.

May I suggest 'Gav and Arno's Music Quiz'? I've been doing this one for about 5 years and still have't figured out all the answers. It's good fun, though, especially if there's a group of you.

Hmmm.. 3D scrabble pieces, models with stones? Your Druid ancestors whispering to you through the mists of time? Do you remember now, how the Neolithic Notapotato, and his friends Mono and the Octopuses helped assemble Stonehenge with the help of a baby dino nicknamed Pickles, when the cart proved impractical? This could also mean that Stonehenge was originally designed to be an enormous pub with some nice wood paneling. Which is probably one of the best reasons for Stonehenge's existence that I've heard.

Go onto an MSN blog about Celebrity Big Brother and say that it's crap. Then sit back and wait for all the insults to fly your way!

With apologies for sharing this with everyone, but I feel that I have found, possibly, the nastiest item of fanwear ever! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Robert Pattinson Undies................................ http://failblog.org/2009/11/18/underwear-fail-3/ Sorry.

Did Sky get sorted properly or did they still manage to cut you off? After the crud they've shown in the past two weeks, I'm beginning to wish I'd cancelled mine. I haven't been cut off just yet, but they still haven't changed my name on all the guff they send me. I can't really be arsed to bother now. I didn't watch that much telly over the holiday period, it's all the same crap every year. Not like in the olden days when there was only three channels, there was always something good on then. We thought exactly the same thing. Our saving grace we being able to watch really ancient films because the kids had never seen them. I must admit it was a trifle strange watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Neverending Story with two 19 year old Uni students!

Ok, so Herbert survived his stint at Chelsea, but will managing Portsmouth do for him this year?

Did Sky get sorted properly or did they still manage to cut you off? After the crud they've shown in the past two weeks, I'm beginning to wish I'd cancelled mine.

I was once told how to do this by a Sky engineer but I'm buggered if I can remember exactly what he said. If my insignificant other (also a miserable Scottish bastard!) is correct, your call will flick to the call centre after six rings so you have to hang up after five then redial. I have a vague recollection that you can tell the difference between Scotland and India by the ring tone. The other option is go down the pub and ask the landlord what the number is for commercial sky customers - I always got someone in Scotland when I had a pub - then get them to transfer you. Good Luck! Just found this link : http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/bargains-and-...vicepage_id=172 It gives a list of alternative phone numbers and cheats to avoid call centres. I don't know if they work, but maybe worth a try!

I was once told how to do this by a Sky engineer but I'm buggered if I can remember exactly what he said. If my insignificant other (also a miserable Scottish bastard!) is correct, your call will flick to the call centre after six rings so you have to hang up after five then redial. I have a vague recollection that you can tell the difference between Scotland and India by the ring tone. The other option is go down the pub and ask the landlord what the number is for commercial sky customers - I always got someone in Scotland when I had a pub - then get them to transfer you. Good Luck!

Reminds me of the Evening Standard billboard I saw at Victoria Station some years back, around the time of the Alder Hey Organ Scandal (see here): "Doctor Who Stole Children's Body Parts" And I always thought we were supposed to be afraid of The Master. This Doctor chappy is evil.

Ok, the spelling is fine, grammer a bit iffy. It was me misreading the headline! "Doctor who spiked pregnant lover's drinks jailed" Aaargh, which Doctor? David Tennant? Tom Baker? Peter Davison? Could this have been phrased better?

WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart BTW - These same thieves come into my wardrobe and drawers and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? ************************************************************************

I bought a jar of 120 swizzles 'plaster of paris' lollies. I gave away 7 to kids and 1 to the man who knocked on my door to sell me TalkTalk broadband. That leaves me 112 to get through. I wish I'd splashed out and bought Traffic Lights now.

I think that's the one. That looks like the Lowesmoor chippy opposite!