Memento Mori

Typical woman driver, manages to crash on a relatively straight bit of road. She oughta try driving through the rather bendy Sally in the Woods in a Fiat 128 at rather-too-many miles per hour, losing the back end on a hill with a rather large drop to the left, regaining control, and carrying on to the cinema to watch Terminator 2, all without shitting her pants. Bet she can't I have to agree. A sigifiicant number of women drivers should never have been granted a licence to begin with - the blue rinse brigade trundling along at 30mph in their Micras, and the mothers behind the wheels of huge four wheel drives on the school run or in the supermarket carpark immediately come to mind. I don't want to sound politically correct, but by the same reasoning many men should be banned from driving. regards, Hein Quite possibly true, but in my experience, the 60+ female driver is a about the worst and most dangerous there is.

Typical woman driver, manages to crash on a relatively straight bit of road. She oughta try driving through the rather bendy Sally in the Woods in a Fiat 128 at rather-too-many miles per hour, losing the back end on a hill with a rather large drop to the left, regaining control, and carrying on to the cinema to watch Terminator 2, all without shitting her pants. Bet she can't I have to agree. A sigifiicant number of women drivers should never have been granted a licence to begin with - the blue rinse brigade trundling along at 30mph in their Micras, and the mothers behind the wheels of huge four wheel drives on the school run or in the supermarket carpark immediately come to mind.

Eighties kids' programmes were so much better than the crap watched by kids nowadays, especially the cartoons. The animation was a hell of a lot better - most of todays animation looks as if it's been drawn by toddlers with ADHD.

They haven't changed, then

Hill St Blues was one of my dad's favourites - problem was, my mum couldn't stand it, she would have much preferred to be glued to one of those costume dramas, which she still loves. I can recall - vaguely - something called A Horseman Riding By, which she followed religiously.

Now this bit I know for a FACT to be bollocks, because the ONLY thing Sally Fucking Webster has ever said about food in Coronation Shite is 'Ey oop Rersie, d'ya want beans fer yer teeeeeeaaaa'. I fucking HATE Coronation Bollocks - I really want to get home from a hard day's work, switch on the telly and listen to whinging fucking Northerners talking about whippets. And Ken Barlow - his wife is hardly cold and he's already shagging some bint half his age. It should have been taken off air years ago. Load of crap. Deirdre's dead? Since when?

An elderly man goes to his doctor for his annual check - up. After a while the doctor comes out and says, ''I'm sorry, Jim, but we've discovered that you have only six weeks to live.'' ''But Doctor,'' Jim replied, ''I feel great, I haven't felt better in years. This can't be true! Isn't there anything you can do?'' After a moment, the doctor said, ''well, you could try going down the street to the health spa and having a mud bath every day.'' Excitedly, Jim asked, ''And that will cure me?'' ''No,'' replied the doctor, ''but it will get you used to being in the dirt.''

Screenwriter Irving Ravetch has died, aged 89.

I assume this means that she thinks to knock one off while thinking of someone other than your wife/partner/lover is to commit adultery. Which is probably the reason she's still single - she can masturbate to her heart's content without feeling as though she's cheating.

Speaking of The Stig; I wonder how long it'll be before one of the BBC's rivals give him a Top Gear style programme to present?

Speaking of dreams, I had an incredibly sick , disturbing dream about the late Anna-Nicole Smith and my local butcher last night...

Simon Wiesenthal died today in 2005.

I'm surprised Obama wasn't ranked higher in the list. What, you reckon "Ole Jug Ears" is a looker? I would have stuck the Ex MP Caroline Flint into the top 20. She was also mostly looking filthy and was a damn good deputy when Sarah Palin couldnt make it into one of my Dreams... Infact that list is as bent as the average MP, talk about fixed. Ah yes, Gordon Brown's ''window dressing''..

I bet the Pope is devestated that he didn't make the list. The Queen is somewhere on the list - down in the hundreds. Actually, he did make the list, he's ranked 215. If Jonathan Ross is reading this ( you never know) its 'R' anked!!! There is no suggestion that the Pope has had any sexual contact whatsoever.. Then again, you can never be certain - look at Jesus, we were led to believe that he was pure and virginal too...

I bet the Pope is devestated that he didn't make the list. The Queen is somewhere on the list - down in the hundreds. Actually, he did make the list, he's ranked 215.

Poetry that's crap or poetry with crap as a subject matter - makes no difference really, whatever floats your boat!

I'm surprised Obama wasn't ranked higher in the list.

Put this ditty to the Football anthem "Your not singing anymore" "You are Yvonne, you are Yvonne, you are Yvonne in disguise" "You are Yvonne in disguise....." Appologies for any spelling mistakes, its the Bacardi wot did it guv. PS; Can we not just copy and paste all of Ted Hughes old chod on here? At school, we all thought his poetry was utter shite. You think I'M Yvonne!!!??? Are you friggin' nuts? Jesus H Christ, I read all of that woman's posts and wondered if she was playing with the full deck or just playing the vapid idiot. Unlike your mate Yvonne, I have no intention in engaging in childish behaviour or penning love sonnets to ailing celebs. Put a shite poem up? Thats Yvonne.......... It is called the crap poetry corner for a reason! I think Yvonne would feel right at home on this thread!

Put this ditty to the Football anthem "Your not singing anymore" "You are Yvonne, you are Yvonne, you are Yvonne in disguise" "You are Yvonne in disguise....." Appologies for any spelling mistakes, its the Bacardi wot did it guv. PS; Can we not just copy and paste all of Ted Hughes old chod on here? At school, we all thought his poetry was utter shite. You think I'M Yvonne!!!??? Are you friggin' nuts? Jesus H Christ, I read all of that woman's posts and wondered if she was playing with the full deck or just playing the vapid idiot. Unlike your mate Yvonne, I have no intention in engaging in childish behaviour or penning love sonnets to ailing celebs.

Been up and about since dawn's early light, then had to contend with a shedload of shite. Got soaked to skin, lost my wallet again, and didn't get home until well after ten. Wish I could say I'd been out getting pissed, but my social life has been crossed off the list. With so much to do and with so little time, this is the first shot I've had at a rhyme. So apologies to everyone for beginning this thread and then having to run.

Yes but are they Crap poetry threads? Aren't we about due for another poetry competition? The crappier and more irreverent - the better. Potential Laureates need not apply. This thread is dedicated to the profane!

When they refer to Prisoner George Michael and an open prison, it makes me wonder if they're using the term in the same way as an 'open marriage.' For some reason the term pin cushion comes to mind. Prisoners have it too good nowadays; the fact that Georgie is into the whole open relationship deal, was obviously taken into account by the judge. That Human Rights Act has a lot to answer for!

Continuing in the vein of sexist jokes.. Q.How do you piss off a female archaeologist? A.Show her a used tampon and ask which period it comes from!

Happy Birthday, Unknown Man!

The mention of linoleum and plastic coated wallpaper brings back memories, as we had both when I was a little 'un.