TLC

You are, or you perform?

Would have been 12%, but I have a strange fascination with having my photo taken, although not for reasons of vanity. If you need proof, take a look at my profile pic; I'd need to have something to be vain about in the first place!

I was a teenager off my nut on one of Dr Hoffman's 'prescriptions' when I first heard the magnificent 'Effervescent Elephant', and I believe that over the course of that day I must have listened to it about 50 times, in between bouts of listening to 'Bike'. I have heard neither since, but I seem to remember that Effervesecent Elephant sounded like it was sung all in one breath, although that may have been my brain playing tricks considering the circumstances. From Bike: - "I know a mouse, and he hasn't got a house. I don't know why I call him Gerald" Classic. I doubt that's all I've got to say on the matter based on past form. Complete lack of subject knowledge has never stopped me before. Thanks for letting me share.

Awesome thread, the content & style of the rants on the Radio 1 message board certainly have a whiff of something familiar, although that could just be the embalming fluid. So Iain, guilty as charged? To be fair, anything you say won't change my opinion based on what looks like steel-reinforced concrete evidence, but I'd love to hear it nonetheless. Either way, carry on the good work.

A better assessment* than I usually get for this sort of thing, despite the fact that about half of the questions could have been answered 'both' or 'neither'. Give it a week and I'm sure I'd give loads of different answers. *More an assessment of how I like to think of myself (on a good day), I imagine some of my friends may disagree with the 'natural performer' bit. Oh, and the 'optimistic' bit might be stretching it a tad.

Not bad, but it's definitely random. I copied the wrong code 1st time, and when I went back I got the name Long Dong Dazzle... Honestly, with accuracy like that people will lose faith in the Pimp name generator in no time, and have to resort to more old-fashioned methods for choosing what name strikes fear into the heart of all their currently employed be-atches.

Let it be noted here that I claim the 'Ta Ta, Ta Mok' headline as my own, in the unlikely event that his demise gets reported in the Sun. I think you'll find that's my coat.

I don't know, out of everything his voice seems to have held up pretty well so far, although the speak 'n' spell impression is getting a little tiresome these days.

Similar thing happened to me, but I managed to get a last minute transfer to some vacant property elsewhere in the middle east whilst the locals get on with the repairs. They've told me they'll get right on to it as soon as the current job just over the Israeli border is finished. So condolencies MPFC, but I'm off to the sunny Gaza Strip! Miles away from Beiruit so I reckon I'll be fine, plus the name brings images to my mind like it's the Sunset Boulevard of the Middle East, I hope I'm right! Just like Beiruit is still known as the Paris of the Middle East, I think. Expect postcards soon.... or failing that some sort notification to the British Embassy of my last reported sighting.

Hmmm.... So if I miss breakfast can I claim that I was on a hunger strike all morning, by way of protest at shoddy alarm clock manufacturing processes under the current government? Erm, not quite up in the Bobby Sands league of dedication is it? I thought the point of a hunger strike was that eventually you'll become malnourished and die if your demands aren't met by way of protest, rather than just going on those strawberry flavoured build-up shakes for a few days.

And stop posting that sh*t on the BBC messageboards as well Iain you fat F*****g retarded loser! Oh and Lesley Douglas says you are, and I quote, "a dozy C**t with the mental capacity of some dried up monkey sh*t who knows nothing about politics, people, music or djs so please shut the F**k up forever you W**ker because everyone hates you". Peace out - Andy P & Lezzie D xxx Seems like somebody got out of bed the wrong side this morning. I agree, they must have smacked their head quite hard against the wall because they're obviously not talking about our Iain. ... ... Unless he is fat, in which case I suppose they're onto something. Iain, people who love you are often the most cruel. I translate the above as 'come back to our fold noble brother Iain; without your input the BBC messageboards look like a news blackout is currently operating and we miss you terribly'. I never was much good at translation.

If you're quiet and listen very carefully, you can hear the sound of my bleeding heart pumping. Saying that I thought I'd probably be more liberal than 75%, and the 50/50 on crime surprised me. Bloody quiz designers, hanging's too good for 'em, that's what I think... send 'em all back.... Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve, what's the world coming to? I think that last sentence would qualify someone to drive a white van, black cab, and officially have your right forearm* permatanned from leaning it on the vehicle's window frame. *In the UK that is, might be a bit more dangerous in the states.

I'm going to save this and use it for a caption contest one day! To quote my old Religious Education teacher, "I don't give a tinker's cuss!" I can't believe that made it through the swear filter, maybe the 'blank out phrases offensive to vicars and old ladies' box still hasn't been ticked. About f*cking time it was though, bunch of c*nts. Don't want to start* offending people eh? *by which I mean 'stop'. Ps surely 'cuntbag' should be filtered too, I mention this brimming with moral outrage that such a foul word can be seen as part of my post. Brimming, I tell you. Regards, TLC (aged 13 3/4).

From the above link I'd have thought a long shot would be the guaranteed method of death if anything, or have equine medical practices moved beyond use of the double barrelled shotgun in these enlightened times?

el·o·quence (ĕl'a-kwans) n. 1. a. Persuasive, powerful discourse. b. The skill or power of using such discourse. 2. The quality of persuasive, powerful expression. What's not eloquent about the phrase 'big-nosed, perxoide-headed, thick-as-s**t dog'? It's certainly persuasive and powerful discourse in my book. And my book is a dictionary, so there.

I'm getting red spots in front of my eyes after pressing this button, is there an end to it Bou? I gave up eventually I'm ashamed to admit that I just found out that it does eventually loop, the emphasis being on eventually.....

I reckon as long as you keep eating the Marmite, you should nevertheless be good for another couple of hundred years. True story: I knew someone who knew someone who was in the jungle, Malaysia I suppose, when he was captured by the Japanese in WW II. He just had time to get something from the stores and took a large catering container of Marmite. During the years in prison camps that followed he took a spoonful of Marmite a day and he put down that down to his survival. Had he chosen anything else, he reckons, he would have been a gonner. If only because if it was anything else, other people might have been tempted to nick it. I imagine if the Japanese had found it they could have developed a pretty nasty marmite-based torture, for when water just isn't good enough. I'd certainly be terrified sitting under a large upside-down tub of opened marmite, wondering when the first blob will eventually separate and land anywhere near my nose or mouth...

As far as I can tell the most successful style of commuter walking is the head down, straight line, 'if I can't see you then you'll have to get out of my way' mode. The reason I know this is because I try and look where I'm going and notice that so few others do. It's worth it though if only to avoid people handing out newspapers, leaflets, free gym membership(!) cards etc. It means that all of my side-stepping, dodging and occasional complete stops roughly doubles the distance I walk to work. Hopefully the extra exercise makes up for all the extra pollution that I take into my system, but I doubt it. Still better than taking the f*cking tube by a very large margin, however.

MH, I'm so sorry to hear such bad news, I hope you know that we're all thinking of you at this difficult time. I can't say I have any words of wisdom to help (if anyone ever really does), or even that I understand what you're going through; I won't insult you by saying that I do. All I can do is echo the sentiments of my fellow DL'ers, and hope that your current grief will gradually be tempered by the celebration of the life of a wonderful mother who was much loved, and who seems to have been a huge inspiration to how your own life has progressed. From what I know of you, she's done a damn fine job. TLC

Barry: "To me, to me, to me.. oooh that's gooood!"

I'd seriously consider downgrading that probably to a possibly if I were you. The phrase 'rhinoceros in a wig' comes to mind. And we used to give the Eastern Europeans stick about their manly-looking female Olympic field athletes, and this was at the same time our Fatima was competing. Either we were blinkered by our jingoism, or the East Germans etc. must have worn baggier shorts to hide their bulging packets.

A friend of mine had an ancestor called Dangerfield Dawson; I hope he was some sort of relic hunter. In my crazy student days I knew a Lucy Farr & a Lee Avalon-Dick, I don't know if he actually did. I found a 'Boadicea Basher' on the above site, but I think my current favourite is 'Dark Adam'.

I quite like playing golf, it's a shame that there's all the nonsense that goes with it. I'm sure plus fours were invented specifically by golf-haters to make players look like twats, and they definitely succeeded. I think my very favourite type of golfer is the one who plays once, then spends thousands of pounds on the best clubs, stupidest attire, buggies, monogrammed golf balls, laser-guided range finders etc. before they learn how to play. When they hack their first tee shot straight into the water, shortly followed by a sizeable lump of turf, it's all I can do not to laugh out loud, particularly if they're genuinely angry about it. For me, golf is a chance to have a relaxing smoke, chat to a couple of mates and have a quiet beer or two afterwards. Unusually, it's also a time for me to have a bit of a walk in pleasant surroundings, get some fresh air (except in my immediate vicinity where it's generally a little more fragrant) and have the phone switched off for a few hours. Oh, and you hit the ball occasionally, which can either be great fun or a crock of sh*t, depending on where it goes. I tend to get less stressed the more holes I play, I refer you to the start of the last paragraph. At my local public course, I find the occasional doughnut tyre-marks on the greens just add to the putting challenge, and the overall charm of the experience. Anybody who wathces the golf channel* is clearly a tosser of the highest order. It seems to be a continuous loop of fat failed-pro yanks in shorts demonstrating some new magic club that allows amateurs to slice the ball that extra 10 yards further into someone's garden. It doesn't even show any golf tournaments, such is the budget of the channel. To be fair, most of the presenters have nice teeth. *My old flatmate used to watch it, honest.

Couldn't agree more Handrejka, there is some poor girl in Glasgow called 'Pocahontas', what were her parents thinking (or not)? Sounds like one of those 'someone I know....' stories to me, when really the person is talking about themselves? So is it Lady P, Poca or Hontas for short?

In his head, Adolph was already preparing the long knives for whoever had ordered the roly-poly stripogram that had just stumbled out of his birthday cake.