King Whoopass

She'll not be missed.

It'd be better if he was passing away. I didn't pick him this year but I still think he's a twunt a probably deserves to go.

If he dies in mysterious circumstances on his birthday, questions are sure to be asked.

A few years ago, well - about 20 years ago to be exact - I was a county chess player. One evening, my primary school (for I was very young indeed back then) was playing an away match against a school about 10 miles down the road. Anyway, I was about to sit down to start my match when I came over all queer. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, all the rest of it. My opponent wasn't Hein, nor did I die but I had to go outside for some fresh air and regroup. The point is - I wasn't forced to forfeit the match but our chess team had a sixth member who would act as reserve in the event of any queernesses/deaths. My reserve on this occasion? None other than Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff. He got thrashed, the muppet.

That is proper sh*t.

Mr Pierrepoint will be spinning in his grave, believe me.

Well, I was right (sort of). It's just a damn shame that they couldn't have done it two days ago. No regard for DDPers at all. Still, whatever the morals surrounding picking these two, it's points in the (body)bag. Do I feel as though I've cheated? Yes. Do I care? Not a jot.

On the subject of darts players who are likely to die soon, I was reading an interesting article in The Observer this afternoon where it was claimed that ex-world champ Jocky Wilson is now a complete recluse with manic depression and diabetes living in a council flat in Kirkcaldy, Scotland. This added to the fact that he was a fat git, a smoker and an alcoholic even when he was playing. How I wish this article had been published a month ago. http://sport.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,,1989854,00.html Jocky's surely on the oche - and he's only 55.

Today would be a wonderful day for a double hanging.

Oral Roberts - ORAL-B GONE: ROBERTS DEAD Ernest Borgnine - MARTY LEAVES THE PARTY Mark Felt - DEEP THROAT CROAKS Ariel Sharon - DON'T ADJUST TV, ARIEL DEAD

Well...You've Got to Pick a Pocket or Two...apparently...

I agree. This list appears to be have been chosen on age and on previous selection rather than on illness/actual likelihood of carking it. It remains to be seen, but I'll wager that my DDP 20 will not be far off the number of hits that this half-century of healthy sods achieves.

It would take an age to analyse all the names on this list, but a lot of them really are in quite fine fettle. BB King, for instance, might be quite a big chap but he's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke and doesn't drink. He's had his farewell tour, but only this year. I don't think he'll expire in 2007, and neither will the Queen, that parasite'll probably live as long as her decrepit mother did. As for Tom Finney, being from Preston he's like royalty round these parts. His wife died a couple of years ago but since then has continued to appear at Preston North End functions and is often on the pitch making appearances at half-time. He ain't gonna die next year. He did have an op and spent a few days in hospital earlier this year but it was nowt serious by all accounts and the fella appears to be back to full fitness now. Some of those are worth consideration though, Deborah Kerr for instance is one of the first names on my list.

I suppose really that it's better all round if he does hang tomorrow - there's no doubt in my mind that Saddam and his two pals would be very cheap hits indeed. I'm sure that footage of the deed itself will soon be available on YouTube and all other leading 'sicko' websites. At least I hope so...

Perhaps the shock of seeing her on-screen daughter cark it will see her off.