maryportfuncity

From the official site today: Bernard Matthews today farms 8 million turkeys every year in the UK, feeding them a strictly vegetarian diet from the company's own feed mills and rearing them on 57 farms throughout Norfolk, Suffolk and Lincolnshire. The company prides itself on creating healthy, high quality turkeys, maintaining the highest standards of agriculture and bird welfare. ALIVE!!

Was throwing away some old magazines when I noticed The Sun TV mag dated July 2nd announcing that Richard Digance would be sitting in on Countdown whilst Richard 'recoverd from Pneumonia' Had myself a hollow chuckle at that one.

Bruce Forsythe doesn't appear in any hurry to slow down or shuffle off. Not much sign of the Duke of Edinburgh going either.

I think he was 47 at the time, he'd been coaching for a few years after failing miserably as a manager but he kept his player's registration. Orient - or more properly Barry Hearn - saw the potential of bringing him back to top 1000 first class games and he played a few matches for them. Still, what the f*** was he doing on the DL in 1994, I don't remember a health scare that would have justified that.

Banshees Scream You've clearly never been to West Cumbria.

A pressing question for West Cumbrians for many years now has been: is there life BEFORE death?

A C-word fry I'm to pry Honest, I'd no idea until I tried the anagram site!

Janeo DNA test!!!!!!! It's about faith or it's pointless. Get with the program or come back next time as lichen on a rock.

Thankfully terrorists with a global agenda have ignored Maryport, the jewel of the Solway coast. We've suffered enough with unemployment, inbreeding and relentlessly crap weather so it isn't all good news. Does anyone know if Michael Foot, Patrick Moore and/or Claire Raynor had pressing appointments in central London this morning?

Can I also remind you that The Sun claimed Freddy Starr ate a hampster and over 100 people were dead at the Clapham train crash. I think it's only a matter of time before some enterprising journo acquires a hair from Hewitt and Harry's heads and puts the question to the test.

Yeah Not to be confused with a Womble which is altogether bigger, more intelligent and harder to digest. As a rule only very large carnivores - like Polar Bears - would even consider eating a Womble.

The Dead of Tommy Cooper: what a name for a band. I bagging that!

Four Horseman....I thought your credibility was in danger until I spotted the beautiful creature in the bathtub on your very own page. Anyone with such taste in lady friends has credibility, end of.

Billy Lee Riley - 'Red Hot' & 'Flying Saucers Rock 'N' Roll" - (b Oct 5 1933)

Middle England loves to get worked up about nowt much. I reckon the hilarity and high fives that will greet the eventual ends of Cliff Richard, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice and Edward Heath would get several Daily Mail readers worked up to the point of writing letters to their favourite paper.

So Pete Seeger who's done more for folk music than several thousand others combined obviously isn't a folk singer. Does Keith Richards continued hold on life stop him being a rock star?

Fogleberg sold records around the world, I reckon he'd qualify. Certainly more of an international celebrity than Claire Raynor and Patrick Moore combined.

Dad: This is grim and I've never seen the tape but I'd refer you to Pamela Des Barres book. At one point in the section on Chuck Pamela discusses his fairly well known sexual proclivities with reference to a tape she'd seen. In this tape Chuck has fairly normal sex with a groupie and then urinates on her whilst holding a conversation 'How's that piss taste...salty ain't it,' before reversing the roles, placing his face near her bottom and announcing it's time for his breakfast. I trust you get the gist. Then again, it may be the secret to along and active life in rock. I mean, the man is nearly eighty and still gigging.

They took against him because he's not a Russian billionaire and he doesn't punch in that league meaning the Premiership and European Champions League - the only things they really care about - will take a miracle now. Others would welcome Glazer. I think I speak for many loyal Carlisle United supporters when I say we'd be happy with a mere twenty million in the transfer kitty every year.

Interesting speculation for the moment though, who'll go first. Him or Bo Diddley? Re Chuck's 'alleged' perversions. There's a graphic description of the contents of a video involving him, a willing female partner much younger than him and Chuck's very peculiar fascination with sharing his bodily functions during sex. Worth reading in 'Rock Bottom' by Pamela Des Barres and it's noticable that the book did well in the USA without Chuck even threatening legal action.

Nowt like that. It's a typically eliptical lyric from the Welsh psych/pop/funsters. The closer you look the less it's about the cheesy screen queen and the more it seems to be a broadside at a departing girlfriend. A few references to people not staying the same and the singer struggling to get through some feelings. Good gag at one point though: He claims he's going to get over everything by binging on 'Crack and tiramasu.'

I'm with BrunoBrimley. I voted oblivion because it's the closest. In reality I'm agnostic, thinking if there is some intelligence it's not covered by the other options. I think any controlling intelligence is indifferent to us at best and we may be miniscule parts of some greater living thing. In other words the universe and any controlling intelligence probably consider us as much as we consider a few of the bacteria working in our Pancreas. As Bill Hicks memorably stated we ain't 'nothing but a virus with shoes.' If we serve a purpose I'm not sure we know what it is. We could probably wipe ourselves out without any controlling intelligence stepping in to save us, caring much either way or suffering greatly from our loss. Other than these dark thoughts, life's pretty good for me.

Years ago I sold a gag to Radio Four for their - long discontinued - 'Weekending' topical comedy show. It concerned the death of Christopher Trace the first ever Blue Peter presenter. In the gag the vicar is speaking at his funeral saying something like 'Christopher was the first ever presenter of Blue Peter, finding a suitable epitaph for such a man is hard but.................here's one I prepared earlier!' Boom boom!

I feel a celebration bender coming on.

Baldrick! And yer point is.............?