Lord Fellatio Nelson

I think the least you could do, as the Poet Laureate of the IOM, would be to compose a special poem and read it out at his sevice. Granted, they may not let you into the church but a stout box to stand on and a megaphone would suffice.

On a white charger, he came. Cutting through swathes of mediocrity, beheading the boring, disembowling the inane. Nobody knew who this man was, nobody dared guess. Some believed that he was the returning Messiah of the DL forum, a man who once was here but went away. Welcome back oh great one!! Welcome back insanity! Welcome back bollocks! Welcome back, oh great disciple of Stanley Unwin. Welcome back BS! Its been so fucking boring without you.

I think it was Ben Elton who, during one of his routines on the Beeb, coined the phrase "Wankwatch" Ive never called it anything else, in my head, since. The Tube was an epic show. I used to come home from work on a Friday, have my bath and din, dins and then watch it while getting ready to go out on the lash.

Im only nostalgic about the early 80s, it all went shit after 1984. Hill St Blues, I remember ( thats when I wasnt out on the piss and shagging ) which set the tone for most US modern day crime/Police type series. I still watch episodes now, if Im awake ( terrible sleeper) at 4AM.....

I think Id rather stick knitting needles into my eyes. I do like old Frank, a dirty old sod in the best traditions of dirty old sods. Unlike todays "stars" who spit roast 19 year olds with their mates and get found out double quick, Frankie must have been indulging in all sorts of naughtiness for eons before he got found out. I suppose now, he can barely get it up enough not to piss on his feet while standing at the bog. Poor Frankie.

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and he is rushed to hospital. On the way to the Operating Theatre, he briefly regains conciousness. Delirious, he looks up to the Nurse and whispers "Am I in heaven?" "No." she replies, "We are just taking a shortcut through the Childrens' Ward...." I mistook the Pope Mobile for an Ice Cream Van today. I only realised my mistake when I saw the "Wouldnt Mind That Child!" sticker on the back. Tiger Woods Wayne Rooney Ashley Cole John Terry Vernon Kay Mark Owen What have they all got in common? Wives who obviously need to make more of a fucking effort! NEW on Channel 4 Coming live and uninterupted from Chile 33 contestants. 4 months. 1 cave. Dig brother.

Right, Ive got a slight problem with this one, Hein, dear fellow. Its a bit like a Comedian telling a joke to an audience of deaf people and only the bar staff can actually hear it. Good God man, im English, we are lazy fuckers who wont eat "Foreign Muck" ( gotta say that with a North West.. ish accent ) and shout very loudly at Foreign waiters because we think they will understand us better. Lets have a basic translation man!! Yours, respectfully LFN

Well, Mary, If she is that daft bint with the big Bugle, who lives with Dev in Coronation Street then, no!!!

Although somewhat smaller than Oz, the country is a sizeable place. If you are aboding outside of West London the Kebab will be cold by the time you get it. Where shall I have it sent? DWB Send it anywhere DWB but, for fuck sakes, dont send him any Chicken! ( In joke...food poisoning...blah....blah )

I bet the Pope is devestated that he didn't make the list. The Queen is somewhere on the list - down in the hundreds. Actually, he did make the list, he's ranked 215. If Jonathan Ross is reading this ( you never know) its 'R' anked!!! There is no suggestion that the Pope has had any sexual contact whatsoever..

I'm surprised Obama wasn't ranked higher in the list. What, you reckon "Ole Jug Ears" is a looker? I would have stuck the Ex MP Caroline Flint into the top 20. She was also mostly looking filthy and was a damn good deputy when Sarah Palin couldnt make it into one of my Dreams... Infact that list is as bent as the average MP, talk about fixed.

If she can buy a round, yes.

Put this ditty to the Football anthem "Your not singing anymore" "You are Yvonne, you are Yvonne, you are Yvonne in disguise" "You are Yvonne in disguise....." Appologies for any spelling mistakes, its the Bacardi wot did it guv. PS; Can we not just copy and paste all of Ted Hughes old chod on here? At school, we all thought his poetry was utter shite. You think I'M Yvonne!!!??? Are you friggin' nuts? Jesus H Christ, I read all of that woman's posts and wondered if she was playing with the full deck or just playing the vapid idiot. Unlike your mate Yvonne, I have no intention in engaging in childish behaviour or penning love sonnets to ailing celebs. Put a shite poem up? Thats Yvonne..........

I think Ive now made my point.

And Lionel Blair for all his vacuous 'never felt so young' pretensions is just in denial about how old he is. Pride can come before a fall, and he's presumptious enough to risk the longest staircases. If only...... I take it, you are not a fan of Mr Blair?

They start whenever you get there and end when you want to get the last train back.

One day? I heard you already need your arse wiped and your food pureed You are a total bastard! Thats why i love you so much!

Put this ditty to the Football anthem "Your not singing anymore" "You are Yvonne, you are Yvonne, you are Yvonne in disguise" "You are Yvonne in disguise....." Appologies for any spelling mistakes, its the Bacardi wot did it guv. PS; Can we not just copy and paste all of Ted Hughes old chod on here? At school, we all thought his poetry was utter shite.

Knowing from old, the odds are people wont turn up, even if you have agreed a date to accomodate them. Go for the 20th, the chances are that all the usual suspects will be able to attend ( NAP really needs to be accomodated as he has been going from the off and Im sure Mary may be able to pop in while his missus goes shopping etc..) and you will also paint those into a corner who couldnt do the 13th and will be shuffling uncomfortably on their seats knowing that they may have to come up with a good one for not making it the week after....or summat.

Happy Birthday Sex. Winny, I am heartbroken over Lardys engagement. I was hoping that, one day, when the chains of marriage were discarded, she would look after me, take me to the toilet and clean my bottom with wipes and all that...

Yes but are they Crap poetry threads? Aren't we about due for another poetry competition? The crappier and more irreverent - the better. Potential Laureates need not apply. This thread is dedicated to the profane! Yep, erm, yes, I think it needs to be pointed out that, generally speaking, when somebody creates a thread, they usually start it off by making a statement, contribution, summary or start the discussion regarding their aforementined creation. What they dont normally do is create a thread and sod off expecting everybody else to start chipping in. Perhaps you would like to start the ball rolling by posting a crap poem?

You truly are the sickest individual I have ever had the good fortune to meet What can I say Lardy? Thats a lovely compliment! TMIB, I think she is as sexy as fuck, she oozes eroticism, blimey, she called her daughter Bristol! Anyway, the thread wasnt about her being a fox, it was about her being the potential next President. But she's still as horny as...

I confess that I am very nostalgic. I can remember when Coca Cola was sold in bottles, The Banana Splits were Kings and Southampton actually had a decent football team and won the FA Cup ( Sorry Mono). Question. What are you nostalgic for? A Particular sweet? ( Candy to you bleedin Yanks ) Era? TV Programme? As its a nostalgia thread, wind the clock back and come fill yer boots!!!

While I have no wish whatsoever for her to be President of the Girl Guides, let alone the USA, I, God help me, cannot forget the dream I once had about her. She was doing unspeakable sexual things to me. And I liked it.

About fucking time if you ask me. Im getting pig sick of him moderating this forum. The sooner he fucks off and dies the better!