Lord Fellatio Nelson

You mean you were on't dole. I have caught a few episodes of Kojak on my days off. Probably the best line he ever delivered was in a scene where he was told that the Ex con he had put away, and was now being stalked by, couldnt be arrested for harrassing him. Looking totally pissed off he said "Tweet, tweet babe..Im a cop in a cage..." Class. Anyhow, Ive got sod all to say regarding the thread as its way above my thick head.

Im totally and utterly f'ucked off with everything Its all sh*te.

But not half as bad as Jack Straw now looks.

Although this thread was long dead, I felt it proper to resurrect it so that I could put down my thoughts about Mariah Carey. I had the misfortune to catch 30 odd seconds of her performance at the paedos Michael Jackson wankfest. A warbling, insincere piece of sh*t she most certainly is. I hate her from the tips of her toes to her silicone enhanced fun bags. I would gladly have the live bullet in the firing squad, given the chance (oh please give me the chance) to finally put myself out of my utter misery everytime I see the old slag bag. So there.

Cant say that I have Handy. You do have some weird dreams. What a complex lady you are. PS: Lay off the cheese and pickles, you will stop having these odd dreams

Perhaps you could go on holiday somewhere less polleny. What's the pollen count like in Fraserburgh? I don't think we've sent Scotland the blueprints for photosynthesis yet, they're still figuring out the ones for the wheel and fire we sent them last year. Some student is working on them in Aberdeen but apparently the funds have run out and he's waiting for a wire from Norwich. Im actually 40 odd miles from Norwich..........which is handy because I deffo wont be getting any begging letters from him. Have they figured out how to write yet?

I saw this shinanigins on the early evening news tonight. The usual "arty farty" explainations came trotting out, Mr Gormley going as far as to say "it will be like opening up a Pandora's box of ideas". I think thats overstating it a bit. The usual day release patients, wannabies and Britains got talent rejects will be spending their hour hogging the limelight with little talent but much crappola. Im quite looking forward to reading about the poor deluded sap who gets the 3am slot being found, still in his Batman costume ( originality is sooo important ) head shoved tightly up his own arse, sticking out of a bin outside Mr Slimeballs bookshop in Wardour St......or summat. I think, dear Godot, I lack the knackers, the will and the sheer enthusiasm to have a bash. Calling Banshees Scream, your moment has come! Perhaps that is the late friday night slot, Pandora opening her box. As an aside, I spent a rather eventful night on Nelson's column having missed the last train "home" to um Reading it was at the time, all is fun in the folly of our youth, or summat. If I'd known ten years ago there was a fourth plinth then maybe I could have stolen his thunder, though quite frankly knowing to keep an eye on the time and a check on the imbibement level might have been more useful. Oh well, at least I now know how to spot a mountain dwelling Mexican. Lucky old Nelson!! Boom, Boom!! Sorry, couldnt resist that one.

I saw this shinanigins on the early evening news tonight. The usual "arty farty" explainations came trotting out, Mr Gormley going as far as to say "it will be like opening up a Pandora's box of ideas". I think thats overstating it a bit. The usual day release patients, wannabies and Britains got talent rejects will be spending their hour hogging the limelight with little talent but much crappola. Im quite looking forward to reading about the poor deluded sap who gets the 3am slot being found, still in his Batman costume ( originality is sooo important ) head shoved tightly up his own arse, sticking out of a bin outside Mr Slimeballs bookshop in Wardour St......or summat. I think, dear Godot, I lack the knackers, the will and the sheer enthusiasm to have a bash. Calling Banshees Scream, your moment has come!

I reckon, if you could have slotted the "N-word" word into that piece, we could have been thinking about dueling Bajos.....

Blimey! Who's pulled your pubes? I don't show up sometimes when I'm signed in, and I don't know why either, I've obviously pressed some techno-button somewhere. And I pick my nose. But not when I'm driving, that would be disgusting. I do it on the bus, when someone else is driving. I know you dont show up, you told me that yonks ago ( you were the person I was refering to ) Some dont show up on purpose tho, cant think why.... Nose picking is yuk, while driving its double yuk. You, use a bus? Now thats a big f'uck off lie!!! What's so unbelievable about me getting on a bus? You don't think I'd ever WALK anywhere do you? Now that WOULD be unbelievable. I do have an aversion to bus drivers though, simply because F'uckwit Father Number One was a school bus driver, and he used to shag all the teenage girls on his bus. Brought a new meaning to the phrase 'hop on hop off'. He certainly did. I really dont think that is answerable. Its a bit like being a goalkeeper and facing the most unsavable shot in Football history

Blimey! Who's pulled your pubes? I don't show up sometimes when I'm signed in, and I don't know why either, I've obviously pressed some techno-button somewhere. And I pick my nose. But not when I'm driving, that would be disgusting. I do it on the bus, when someone else is driving. I know you dont show up, you told me that yonks ago ( you were the person I was refering to ) Some dont show up on purpose tho, cant think why.... Nose picking is yuk, while driving its double yuk. You, use a bus? Now thats a big f'uck off lie!!!

People picking their noses while driving. Cnut buckets who, with a whole car park to choose from, decide to park right next to you. Oh, the other thing that pulls on my knackers are the "anonymous" users of the forum. I know that one member has no idea why they keep showing up as an anonymous user when they log on and Im also aware that one member is so far up their own a'rsehole they actually believe that everbody gives a sh*t whether they are here or not ( no the fan mail isnt pending arsewipe ) but what possible excuse does anybody else have? Who cares if you are here or not? Sign in like everbody else! PS: If it turns out to be a glitch of the site, I will take it all back ( well most of it)

Ah, except I didn't, did I, because I would NEVER use 'fekin' instead of 'f'ucking'. Damn. Am I the only one round here who gets drunk any more? Or is it just because I'm young and foolish, and everyone else is too old for it? Well Im old and foolish. However, I am old enough now to know that the hangover will never be worth the "getting pissed" bit. Luckily, you are not at that stage yet.

This is all bollocks. He is DEAD! FFS, let it go!

Yep, I remember Elvis croaking. I think this is far bigger, Jacko was a worldwide phenomenon. Someone I sort of grew up with has gone, it questions your own mortality.

Thats b*llocks, there must be a timescale to determine whether somebody is merely unconscious or comatose? Lies and damn lies even before the poor sod is cold.

122 so far and counting.

My God!! Talk about flies round a turd...

As his arch Nemesis, thorn in the side and boil on his arse, I believe that it is my duty to ponder the question "Where is he?" Im sure our efficient moderators will know when he last looked in BUT no posts. He may well be posting under disguise but I have no evidence of this. Can anybody enlighten me and all his fans? Anybody got any imaginative suggestions as to where he has gone? Can anybody get him back, Ive got nobody to take the piss out of.

I have nightmares like that if I eat cheese and pickled onions before bed.

[slap]For God's sake man, pull yourself together. Ok, Ok, I was wrong! Its not his self importance or his belief that he is super intelligent ( there are still people here who can claim that mantle) its his stupidity that is sorely lacking. Perverse I know but run with me on that one. Sometimes, we all need stupid.

Bloody hell! Havent you women got a fence ( or sofa ) to sharpen your claws on? Whats the poor lad ever done to you? Admittedly, it seems that what passes for "fit" in 2009 would have passed as fuggin ugly in my day (as I sit back in my rocking chair, puffing on my pipe, labrador at my feet) Kids today, eh?

On a similar vein, did anybody bother to tune into Wifeswap the other night? It had a fat old munter from Bristol on, lazy as fook, didnt get her huge arse out of bed till at least midday and gave her toddler a bag of crisps for breakfast. I would like to advocate compulsory sterilisation.

I miss the old bollock chops.