Lord Fellatio Nelson

Were you the cnut who was my old Woodwork Teacher? I still cant put a fooking shelf up. A lot of f*****g good you were!

Occy, I always thought that EVERYBODY wanted to get out of Aylesbury!

People who toot their horns at you because they are useless w**nkers. For the 2nd time in two weeks ive had some flange filler bib their car horns inspite of the fact that THEY were driving like cock knockers. This morning: The snow has fallen, not up to your testicles deep but deep enough to cause chaos. Its my day off and Im taking Lady FN into work. I leave home and drive out onto the road that connects us to a main one. The snow is compacted, Im stuck behind a young bint and a passenger that looks like a half wit, probably a student (Winny excepted cause I like him) who is going that slowly my speedo needle isnt even registering. As I come up to a fork in the road prior to its end, I take one fork to go around her. Result? Beep, Beep!! Now the last time somebody did that I was prevented from getting out of my car by two sets of hands, Lady FN and my Daughter. This time I got out. I explained to them that the very reason that this country grinds to a f*****g halt everytime a centimetre of snow falls is dickwads like them who drive slower than a Herniated slug can move. "She is inexperienced!" says the half wit. "Well stay at f*****g home!!" I shout back. Does nobody understand the concept of braking through the gears and treating the footbrake as the final resort? Does nobody know how to steer into the back end of the car as it breaks away? Can no one understand the principles of minute steering wheel movements? Anticipation of whats ahead? No, obviously not. When I were a lad, we would treat the snow covered roads with respect and we would go to empty car parks, Industrial estates and sod around in our non power assisted steering, poor handling/braking tin boxes with shite heaters learning to drift our cars round corners, avoiding crashing and mastering the poor weather so we had total confidence that we could get around without killing ourselves or others. Yes be cautious but, for f**ks sake, this isnt exactly Canada or the East Coast of the USA in the depths of winter. The snow is manageable, it would be A1 if they had bothered to grit, which i dont think they have and we had ploughs running 24/7 along the main routes. Yes, we cant cope. Everytime it happens we grind to a halt BUT we as people have to take responsibility as well. Too many people cant drive in it, too many dont want to walk in it and too many throw the towel in. We have no backbone, I say, we have no fooking backbone!

I see, another poor destitute student having to email their Financial Advisor because they are down to their last few grand. As Deadly Doug said "Fuggin Students!"

I bow to your greater knowledge Sir.

You are right, they wont achieve anything but by christ they are doing SOMETHING. Here we all are, up sh*t creek being told by Captain Haddock that he, and he alone, can get us all out of the crap. Quite amazing really as he spent eight years in total control of the Countrys finances/Economy, liased with his counterparts around the World in seminars, meetings and jollies, had his finger on the pulse of world Economics and yet he didnt see fook all coming. Would YOU have the twat up your Crows nest? Nah, me neither. Hey, at least, as he stated, we have a robust economy....... Meanwhile the British stiff upper lip remains stiff and we make him believe that we still love him. Oh to be a bit more, er... French Yes, but they strike for any God damn reason and haven't learnt that all this demonstrating amounts to nothing. Surely that alone demonstrates a lack of cerebral matter. In fact, they'd have more money if they spent less time striking! I have a strong urge to go up to one of them and say lizten veary carefoolly I shall say zhis only once, it's not mai 68 get back to work you clé de bitte! I'm sure some of the students are loving it, a chance to be raucous without really knowing what they're being raucous about. The rest, well those poor souls are most likely to be found on the slopes. Aujourd'hui comme il faisait beau... How can I possibly counter that truth! Its all rather perverse. The French strike too much and we demonstrate too little. It would just be nice if the masses here had a one day demo just to let Captain Haddock and all the other minge faces in a position of lording it up over the rest of us know that the game is up. It would be like Southampton supporters congregating outside the ground shouting " Rupert, you twat, fook off!!" Oh they have already done that. Worked a treat........... Actually Mono, I see your agument far more clearly now!

Oh that would have been fan bloody tastic!! Just imagine it, a Euro summit with all the European heads of State, the President of the USA and anybody else who wanted to attend. All having a cup of Tea and a Hash cake. All the Worlds problems would just...fade away man

I thought American's sued their own mothers every second Wednesday? Its not about friendship or loyalty. It's about making a bit of cash. That is utterly cynical of you Winny. Perfectly correct too.

You are right, they wont achieve anything but by christ they are doing SOMETHING. Here we all are, up sh*t creek being told by Captain Haddock that he, and he alone, can get us all out of the crap. Quite amazing really as he spent eight years in total control of the Countrys finances/Economy, liased with his counterparts around the World in seminars, meetings and jollies, had his finger on the pulse of world Economics and yet he didnt see fook all coming. Would YOU have the twat up your Crows nest? Nah, me neither. Hey, at least, as he stated, we have a robust economy....... Meanwhile the British stiff upper lip remains stiff and we make him believe that we still love him. Oh to be a bit more, er... French

No way, the power of Yvonne's doggerel will cure him any moment now. What, Yvonne has a faith healing Dog?

Day off today so I tuned into The Big Match Revisited on ITV4. Corking stuff! It was week ending the 29/1/1979, pitches were covered in snow, orange footballs, stupidly short shorts, leg breaking tackles ( no bookings) no dissent and proper commentators such as the legends Brian Moore and Hugh Johns. I had the pleasure of seeing Ralph Coates running down the flanks, his combover like a sleek aerofoil keeping him firmly on the ground, Paul Mariner with his bouffant and Mick Mills (who was obviously Ron Greenwoods love child as he was integral in giving an average player such a long England career) being, er, Mick Mills. If you happen to have a day off, are a student or a lazy f****r, try and catch The Big Match Revisited. See how things have moved on.

This is weasley by the Mail, give the girl a break. She's done nothing wrong, has looked great in just about every picture ever printed of her, and she was having a bad (skin) day. So they have to print ultra close ups two days after she broke up with her boyfriend. She's not appearing in a public capacity. How are pictures of her news? You are a right soft old bugger CR. I bet you've never strangled a kitten either! Lets face it, why would a Royal male want to be saddled with a girl that looks like a Tracy from Essex. Generally, they marry Horse faced bints.

That has to be one of the finest letters of complaint I have ever seen. Total genius.

Almost! Well perhaps he should hurry up and Die!! This has gone on for as long as fooking Crossroads. And that was sh*t too!

Is he dead yet?

Although it says otherwise, Im sure he is dead? I could have sworn that he had died several years ago. The last time I heard about him was when he was reprising his "Charles Endell" role in a, years later, spin off of the TV series Budgie. It was cancelled after one or two episodes because, IIRC, he had suffered a Heart attack. If he had a dodgy ticker 20 odd years ago, id be suprised if it was still ticking now...

The knicker drawers of the women of New York are no longer safe. Hide yer smalls!!

Well, I did say. Wonder if they'll pull the programmes. Pain the arse for me if they do. (Edit: schedule unaltered) Are you now going to be our resident smartarse/ace death predictor H? Did you not stick a Fiver on your hunch at the bookies? Is the next round on you?

Two things. Day off today so I do the work and School run. Heading into town its choked. Umpteen traffic lights all misphased, kids on their way to School constantly stopping traffic flow by pressing the button for the lights to, yet again, go red, etc, etc. Heading in, you have a set of lights and, just beyond, two lanes merging into one. For the umpteenth time, some cnut decided that he was going to look straight ahead and cling to the bumper of the car infront of him, not giving a molecule of space for me to drop into but plenty of scope for me to be pushed into oncoming traffic. So I wound down the passenger window and shouted across to the f*****g old duffer in an E plate toyota pick up to "f**k off!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This had the desired effect, he allowed me into the flow of traffic. What the f**ks the matter with people? Whats wrong with give and take to allow the traffic to flow? Why are people such selfish twatwangs? Second rant. Ive lived in my house for just over a year, new development and an allocated parking space, garage, driveway etc for every resident. Oh no, thats not good enough, they have to park on the pavement outside their houses. You have to walk in the road to get past and if my house ever catches fire, im royally f**ked as there is no hope of a Fire engine getting down my road to me. People are such utter, selfish, inconsiderate w**nkers...and im utterly f*****g seething!!!!

Mary, I know that took some digging out. You are a star!!

Oh please stop being a miserable old C-word Its alright for you, Monkey. You can criss cross Europe with only your fanny, a suitcase and an adventure to keep you company!! Lucky bugger

Thats right, tar all men with the BS brush I suppose my ability to Cook, Clean, use a Washing Machine/Tumbledryer, know when to get the Hoover out, be a Taxi for the two women I live with ( Wife and daughter) work my Tits off in freezing weather, have the know how how to put Flat Pack furniture together, Decorate, sympathise to all their woes ( never mind mine) get dragged around every Clothes shop in Town and have to smile because if I dont I get " stop being a miserable old c***" means that Im not living up to my adult responsibilities? Utter and complete BOLLOCKS!!!!

Oh Ok CR, as its you. Happy belated Birthday BS, you twat. There, happy now?

Got the exact same one two days ago.

Hmmm, an interesting thread Mary. Here is my small contribution from a legend. Lines form on my face and hands Lines form from the ups and downs I´m in the middle, without any plans I´m a boy and I´m a man. I´m eighteen And I don´t know what I want Eighteen I just don´t know what I want Eighteen I gotta get away Eighteen I gotta get out of this place I´ll go runnin´ in outer space Oh yeah. I got a Baby´s brain and an old man´s heart Took eighteen years to get this far Don´t always know what I´m talkin´ about Feels like I´m livin´ in the middle of doubt Cause I´m eighteen I get confused every day Eighteen I just don´t know what to say Eighteen I gotta get away. Lines form on my face and my hands Lines form on the left and right I´m the middle The middle of life I´m a boy and I´m a man I´m eighteen and I like it Yes I like it Oh, I like it Love it, like it, love it Eighteen, Eighteen, Eighteen I´m eighteen and I like it.