torbrexbones

Young lad asks his dad why men have an 'Adam's Apple'. Dad thinks for a minute then tells his son that when Eve conviced Adam it would be alright to take a bite out of the forbidden fruit and Adam took the bite, a powerful voice came from above: "I hope it sticks in your throat"

That Old Rocking Chair has got him in its grip.

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk Shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really All that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing Led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and Attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had Various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I Went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to Read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do With me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, Sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a Lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and Confirmation.' Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, And had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he Claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out And I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of Him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as A lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah! The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying In a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and Monitors running in and out of him.. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....... Circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

She looks very thin though and has done for about 3 years so I doubt she will live that long but you never know! Big, fat women always die young, that's why the world is full of 'little old ladies'

Back fro Hawaii, Honolulu is a bit of a concrete jungle but the rest of the island is OK, particularly the North Shore. I fell in love with Big Island though, the sheer destructive beauty of the lava flows on the island took my breath away.

Not Star Wars - Star Trek

Will Jimmy Greaves survive long enough to be included next year? A stroke is not always fatal but he was not that well anyway.

Booked for Hawaii next month with a stopover in San Francisco. This will make it all 50 states for me.

I'd love to learn our Caledonian hero's reaction to Jewish words. one little typo so shoot me

SEX SURVEY -- ARE SCOTTISH MEN THE SEXIEST? This year's social survey looks at the sexual habits of the typical West of Scotland man. Our experts have recreated a typical Scotsman’s night of passion. THE PREPARATION -- Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the Traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions, his mind is set on one thing, LOVE, or as he says himself 'ma nookie'. His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, entreating her with gently persuasive words of passion "Any chance ‘o’ ma hole". The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled Onion sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply 'Awaity fuck ya bam'. FOREPLAY - Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting his slightly soiled y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with his skid-marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant 'Here we go, here we go, here we go. Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8-incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision. INITIAL PROBLEMS - After 12 pints sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself fully. Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement, such as 'ya useless bastard' or possibly 'It never happens to the milkman'. Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation 'how’d you like to put your teeth roon this', the woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler 'On ya go' she says 'but don't disturb me'. Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems; the man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke 'bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week'. DOWN TO BUSINESS - Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase 'oh fuck I’ve shot ma load'. If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as perhaps informing her that she is probably the nicest woman that he's ever come across. THE EVENT ITSELF - An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that woman like to be spoken dirtily to, say such things as 'Snotters, shite, arsehole’. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters words of encouragement such as 'Are you sure its in? Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ooh, ooh, yes, yes, go-on yersel.

On board the plane the Captain had just finished his announcement about the landing due to happen shortly and forgetting to turn the intercom off he turned to the co-pilot and said "as soon as we land I am going for the most almighty shit and then I'm going to grab that new stewardess with the big tits and fuck the arse off her" Realising what was being said over the loudspeaker, the stewardess made a dash for the front of the plane to tell the captain to turn off the intercom but she tripped and went full length on the floor landing just in front of an old dear sitting in an aisle seat who leaned over and said "it's alright love no need to hurry, he's going for a shit first"

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply, half shouting. The smile remained, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Terry Pratchett gone to fantasy land http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-31858156

Can you imagine if major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line.......... Sainsbury Condoms - Making life taste better Tesco Condoms - Every little helps Nike Condoms - Just do it Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk KFC Condoms - Finger licking good Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough Coca Cola condoms - The real thing Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide F CUK condoms - no comment required Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long Renault condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service Polo condoms - the condom with the hole Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal!!!! John Smiths condoms - No nonsense Xbox live condoms - It's fun to play together McDonalds condoms - I'M LOVIN' IT! Intel condoms - Intel inside! Frosties condoms - They're grrrreat Ariston condoms - On and on with Ariston

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right".

A fair summary of her film career I'd say. Although when she slapped the face of a cop in The Naked Gun 2½ it seemed pretty realistic. It was actually the cop car that she slapped in the opening credits which was a take-off of when she slapped a cop for harrassing her in real life. Her line was "It happens every fucking time when I go shopping" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxu8ddGvVZ8

Ann Mara, the co-owner of the New York Giants after her husband Wellington died, the mother of team president John and 10 other children, died early Sunday morning age 85.

I keep a notepad beside my computer and note down any names that I read about being close to death then from that list I check to see who is all still with us and add the rest from my own hunches about who I think is due.

With Kirk and Zsa Zsa, it is not a case of whether to pick them or not, it is more a case of dare you leave them off your list!

I am down a name already, Duke of Wellington has taken his boots off a day early

He cost me points, I have him on my DDP for next year, bugger couldn't wait a day

Another one for the_engineer A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"