torbrexbones

I never even knew he was ill, never mind with lung cancer

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Arthur Montford will go on the list of the missed. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-30220020

Former Scottish football broadcaster Arthur Montford has died aged 85 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-30220020

The man who wrote "The Hokey-Cokey" died last week, and there was pandemonium at the undertakers. They got his left leg into the coffin, and that's when the trouble started ......

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing the string on their tampon with Tinsel, This is for the Christmas Period Only

I have him on my team for 2014 and see no reason to remove his name for next year, definitey a 'keeper'

I gave him 12 months a year ago when I picked for this years DDP, it is one of those diseases that won't be rushed into a final move.

Are there bonus points for Knights & Dames? That's Sir Donald Sinden joining Sir Dickie on the celestial stage for twice nightly. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-29170107

Donald (done for his sins) has joined Elaine so they are in company again. He made it to 90, so a good innings. Reported on the BBC news site http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-29170107

Finally made his escape RIP

Shazbot

Third hit of the year for me and joker to boot. Goodbye Tuco Hijo de una gran puta!

My second DDP hit of the year

My first for this year as well and I also have Jerry Maren for the 'double'

He is a South African rugby player and is not a well man, I have him on my DDP

Now that's a coincidence because only yesterday while contemplating my DDP team I was questioning whether Jimmy Tarbuck was worthy of a spot - Wheeler of course being the voice of Winner Takes All. I give it Evens on a cremation, but 4-1 on a sea burial. I only remember him from "Winner Takes All" didn't realize he hosted Songs of Praise too. I remember him mostly from Top Of The Form, we were forced to watch that by our parents in the hope that it might inspire us to knuckle down at school. To be fair, I actually enjoyed the show anyway.

I have both sisters on my DDP, I am still hoping for the double. Olivia might yet choke on some champagne.

KILLING EELS CAN BE FUN WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT RIGHT Little Johnny was six years old and like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a lot about courting from older boys and wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while then turned off most of the lights. Next he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would, except he’s not so good because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have gotten cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and started to moan and sigh and squirm around, sliding down towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she felt hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten into his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 10 inches long "honest". Anyway, he grabbed it in his hands to keep it from getting away. Then Sis saw it, she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Should have told her about the ones down at the lake! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting the head. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it must have bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting her again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a good fight, Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a sigh of relief because it just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again and, by golly, the eel wasn’t dead, it started to fight again. I guess eel’s are like cats, they have 9 lives or something. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet". JOHNNY`S MUM FAINTED.

Please post your results. Next assignment: Rome. regards, Hein After much research I found that bears mostly shit on the riverbank.

Sod the snow, I get enough of that here, I am going to see if bears really do shit in the woods.

Can you see Russia from your hotel room ? I wont be going that far north or west, I'll be mostly staying around the interior with just one night down at the coast.

All booked for Alaska this year after 2 years missing out on a holiday due to health reasons. Should be quite an adventure with some whitewater rafting, kayaking and glacier climbing.

Will be Liberal by the end of the day and back to a hard line tory by dawn tomorrow.