scsibear 4 Posted November 30, 2005 I see from the Calendar that today has been designated as Talk like a Scotsman day. So let's hear your renditions, jokes and impressions of all things Scottish. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted November 30, 2005 Scotland the Worst The worst question in a Scottish court Neil Murray Q.C. was doing his stuff in Edinburgh high court. The witness he was cross examining was a prostitute. "So," Mr Murray asked, "does your work involve close contact with men?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 Hoots! Aaargh!!! Hoots Love the photo Boudicca Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 Check out This site for 'The Glasgow Olympics' and Scottish film titles. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted November 30, 2005 And another, Worst headline: Scottish newspapers are notoriously parochial. The headline in the Dundee Courier when the Titanic sank ' Broughty Ferry man drowns' is not necessarily apocryphal Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scsibear 4 Posted November 30, 2005 Even the mighty Star Trek falls foul of the Scottish Accent http://www.weehowff.com/taysiders.wmv (slow to load but well worth the wait) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted November 30, 2005 Aaargh!!! Hoots (Bonnet tip to Captain Oates) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 Aaargh!!! Hoots (Bonnet tip to Captain Oates) I suppose it could be worse you could have said 'jings, crivvens and help ma boab' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tempus Fugit 214 Posted November 30, 2005 Ahhhh, Bonny Scotland, The land of the deep fried mars bar and deep fried pizza and deep fried everything. Coronary country. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Shuffler Posted November 30, 2005 Fancy dress party. Doorbell rings. Hostess opens the door to see a Scottish friend standing there naked as the day he was born, save for a wellington stuck on the end of his c*ck. Hostess: "Good Lord, Hamish! What are you supposed to be?!" Scotsman: "Nothing. I'm just f**king aboot!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 Scottish Inventions Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted November 30, 2005 I've been looking at your profile Lady G, and I believe this is you and your husband.Tartan stilt enthusiasts no less. The game is up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 I've been looking at your profile Lady G, and I believe this is you and your husband.Tartan stilt enthusiasts no less. The game is up. Damn, caught at last! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scsibear 4 Posted November 30, 2005 Microsoft gets in on the Act ================= Windows Recall It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland. If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a background picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrews Cross. It is shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver. The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates Control Panel is known as How Tae F**k Aboot Wi The Settins Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk Floppies are Them Wee Plastic f***kers Instead of an error message you get a Windae covered with an empty Buckfast bottle Note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks Other locale-specific features in Windaes 98 include the following language translations: OK=its aww-right cancel=F**k off reset=whit yoo aw aboot yes=aye no=nay f****n' chance find=get it yer f****n' sel' go to=orr therr help=ah cannae dae it stop=gie's f****n peace start=f****n' move settings=settins programs=stuff at does stuff documents=ma S**t Some programs that are also exclusive to Windaes 98 include: tiperiter = a word processor cullerin book = a graphics program addin mershene = calculator scratch paper = notepad (usually unused) sounds = CD player porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer pikchers = a graphics viewer dole money = M/S accounting software Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super cuzzins = family history (usually 14-year-old mother's name and a shortlist of possible fathers) tax records = usually an empty file Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file) We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tempus Fugit 214 Posted November 30, 2005 "Kilts are known the world over as a uniquely Scottish way of dressing. The exact origins of the kilt in Scotland are lost in the mists of time, but it is thought that the kilt was used as a form of blanket at night and then served double duty as a warm garment worn during the day. The ancient kilt was much longer than it's modern counterpart. Curiously it is an Englishman, Thomas Rawlinson, who is credited as the inventor of the modern short style of kilt". He only invented it as an April Fool, and the Scots fell for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally! Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted November 30, 2005 The land of the deep fried mars bar and deep fried pizza... Deep fried pizza. This sort of food is the reason why Scotland has the highest heart attack per person ratio of any country in Europe. And damn proud of it, too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 Three Scots and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
scsibear 4 Posted November 30, 2005 EnjoyyerweedramHCWahmhuvvinaweesherbettoo Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tempus Fugit 214 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally! Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs. I'm partial to Talisker myself. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally! Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs. AhhopeyeenjoyyersingulmolthuvyegoatraIrnBruinforramorra? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted November 30, 2005 UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman. ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally! Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs. I'm partial to Talisker myself. So am I, like the Archie Gemmill avatar byraway! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
