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Tomorrow through Sunday promises to be the ultimate four-day Everest challenge for British TV sportaholics. Each day there is 12 hours of live Open golf on the BBC, 5 hours of live Tour de France on Eurosport and 6 hours of live Ashes cricket on Sky - a brutal regime, you must admit. I have been in serious training for months with the help of copious amounts of red wine and cigarettes and hope that you will all sponsor me for my chosen charity Couch Potatoes Anonymous. Should I perish in the attempt I have no doubt that The Sun will emotionally blackmail the country into contributing plenty more of its hard-earned. I've received many good luck messages from the likes of Johnny Vegas and am off to bed at 2am in preparation for the 7am start at Muirfield's first tee. The remote has new batteries, the third television has been installed, the tracking device for the website is now live and I'm raring to go.

He should have stayed on his feet...

It would be fitting if they played at least one show in East Angula! We'll have to wait and see if it's successful here first, before they can think about taking it overseas.

It would be fitting if they played at least one show in East Angula!

Teaching my Australian niece and nephew to say 'water' the Glaswegian way. Their daddy has been trying for a while but they didn't believe him when he said it , Auntie Grendel has just backed him up. It is only a matter of time before they ask us to say 'there's been a murder'.....

Found a picture of briefly voguish injoke on this forum for a day Alexander Imich, the 110-year-old paranormal investigator, at his 110th birthday party. Fucking looks better than I do now. Is that carrot cake?

Strangely enough I have been wearing a hat this last week or so, although I hardly ever do even in the cold weather. I am not a "hat person", but having been out and about in the heat of the day, my hats have proved essential for comfort. They are just little straw-type hats, one a stylish sort of trilby shape, the other a kind of cloche style. Only cost about a fiver each. Bargain. I have to say I am a "hat person", I wasn't until I moved to South East Scotland and discovered that the winds down here could almost freeze your ears off. As a Glaswegian I was used to carrying a waterproof about with me everywhere I went, built in hood of course, but that wasn't needed down here so I switched to hats. I have a huge collection of faux fur warm ones but my favourite is the Thinsulate black Beanie hat. My sister-in-law in Australia ordered a load of warm stuff for us Scottish relatives online at Christmas from M & Co, I claimed the knitted scarf with built in knitted hood, it's fab! I tried to find a google image of one online but it is all fancy lacy or filmy stuff coming up, I can assure you mine is not that pretty ;-) When we first got a glimpse of a heatwave in mid June I nipped in to my local charity shop and picked up the ugliest bright pink straw hat with a huge brim, it cost me £3.50, I just wanted it so I could read my book in the garden without the sun burning my face, it has become a staple part of my attire these last few weeks and I am now wishing I had gone for a more sedate hat I could wear in public, mind you the public are now seeing me in cropped trousers, another addition to my wardrobe I never thought I would make.......

Further apologies For Lou the Beale tolls

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said "Please remove one's shoes darling, one's feet are killing one." Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it wouldn't budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder?" Charles yelled back. "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'" "Come on give it all you've got," she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, "Oh god, that feels so good !" In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that." Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out,"Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter." At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: "That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!"