Nothing To Do With Death, Sorry...

[Josco 48]

This arrived in my Email the other day, and I wanted to share it with everyone....

With no apologies to anyone...

 

A satirical tale not for the politically correct.......................

 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and

improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper

thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper

has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

THE END

 

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a

fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the

squirrel is warm and well fed.

 

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference

and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well

fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and

starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering

grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm

home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while

others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The

Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with

breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall

Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that

the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an

immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and

increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

 

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic

Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning

of the summer. The squirrels' taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and

fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing

on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the

grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish

it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially

mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy

members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed

retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new

home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a

temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to

Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent

love of dogs.

 

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and

attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them

pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return

them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would

face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money

from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the

squirrels' food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house

he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the

house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is

blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since

arrival in UK.

 

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to

get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately

because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of

the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he

has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the

obvious, is set up.

 

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for

grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is

increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for

enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the

government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press

blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of

despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

 

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed

when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United

Kingdom

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the

burglaries and robberies have to sell their homes to cover losses, their

taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they

will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

 

THE END

[sympathyforthedevil 11]

bit too long, but still brilliant.

[Dave to the Grave 11]

An amusing story Josco.

 

Although there are other ways to avoid contributing your 'bit' to society.

 

That link seems to be playing up, but it would appear that Bono, when not imploring governments to give more money to the needy, seems intent on 'squirreling' away his own 'nest egg'. All legal off course, so that's alright.

[BrunoBrimley 83]

I'm not particularly fond of squirrels you know. They are at times nice to look at but there are a few who race past my window each morning, sometimes loudly as they leap from window sill to window sill. Occasionally they stop at the far window and nibble on the wooden window frame then grab the cable wires and shimmy up towards the roof. Quite an irritant when one is trying to sleep. Then of course there are the loud cooing pigeons. I have morning sun and they seem to adore that...again right outside the window. Well, I guess that's just how it is some days.

 

 

Oh and sorry to hear about your tough work life Josco, I myself am securely settled into a meager government stipend but it sure as heck beats working myself silly any more...

[Banshees Scream 107]

Josco this story sounds brillient, though sounds like a story told by a woman who is probably a hippie, and believes that a soul lives in all things. I only read up to the part about the grass hopper being found by a social worker, at this time my patience couldn't bear to read any further.

[Josco 48]

An amusing story Josco.

 

Although there are other ways to avoid contributing your 'bit' to society.

 

That link seems to be playing up, but it would appear that Bono, when not imploring governments to give more money to the needy, seems intent on 'squirreling' away his own 'nest egg'. All legal off course, so that's alright.

I can't recall the exact figures, but it seems similar to the late (un)lamented Linda McCartney & family moving her tax affairs so as to save almost the same amount that the 1st Live Aid raised.

 

Plus ca change.......

 

[Cowboy Ronnie 77]

how could a grasshopper stab a dog?

[The Four Horsemen 25]

With a Cricket bat?

[maryportfuncity 10,039]

Are we stumbling into Zen Buddhism here?

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Another grasshopper based fable, for those who like that kind of thing, and almost relevant to the DeathList.

[Lady Die 63]

Another grasshopper based fable, for those who like that kind of thing, and almost relevant to the DeathList.

Welcome to the forum, Dave!

[Brinsworth House Baiter 12]

Welcome to the forum, Dave.

 

Pray tell, who is that rather fetching chap in your avatar wearing what looks to be a red velvet smoking gown? I've got my money on him being some camp magician from the States or maybe a cabaret singer at Butlins. Or possibly Niles from Fraser when he was younger with longer hair.

 

If it's actually a pic of you, please don't be offended as this was not my attention. At least I haven't questioned your gender.

[Slave to the Grave 22]

Pray tell, who is that rather fetching chap in your avatar wearing what looks to be a red velvet smoking gown? I've got my money on him being some camp magician from the States or maybe a cabaret singer at Butlins. Or possibly Niles from Fraser when he was younger with longer hair.

 

If it's actually a pic of you, please don't be offended as this was not my attention. At least I haven't questioned your gender.

 

 

I know, but then I also know Dave....and he's a very naughty boy.

[Brinsworth House Baiter 12]

 

 

Pray tell, who is that rather fetching chap in your avatar wearing what looks to be a red velvet smoking gown? I've got my money on him being some camp magician from the States or maybe a cabaret singer at Butlins. Or possibly Niles from Fraser when he was younger with longer hair.

 

If it's actually a pic of you, please don't be offended as this was not my attention. At least I haven't questioned your gender.

 

 

I know, but then I also know Dave....and he's a very naughty boy.

 

You mean...Dave's the Messiah?

[Slave to the Grave 22]

 

 

Pray tell, who is that rather fetching chap in your avatar wearing what looks to be a red velvet smoking gown? I've got my money on him being some camp magician from the States or maybe a cabaret singer at Butlins. Or possibly Niles from Fraser when he was younger with longer hair.

 

If it's actually a pic of you, please don't be offended as this was not my attention. At least I haven't questioned your gender.

 

 

I know, but then I also know Dave....and he's a very naughty boy.

 

You mean...Dave's the Messiah?

 

Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!

[Josco 48]

 

 

Pray tell, who is that rather fetching chap in your avatar wearing what looks to be a red velvet smoking gown? I've got my money on him being some camp magician from the States or maybe a cabaret singer at Butlins. Or possibly Niles from Fraser when he was younger with longer hair.

 

If it's actually a pic of you, please don't be offended as this was not my attention. At least I haven't questioned your gender.

 

 

I know, but then I also know Dave....and he's a very naughty boy.

So is he Dave who is Slave to the Grave?

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Thankyou for your kind words of welcome Lady Di and Brinsworth House Baiter.

 

Josco, I must confess to having posted on this forum a 'few' times before over the years, but, SttG and DttG could not be more different.

 

PS. BHB regarding the avatar. I don't know if you have ever had that daft conversation about, who, if heaven exists, would you go and see in concert on your first friday night there? Either Elvis, Marvin Gaye or Otis Redding, would usually have been my reply. This was until I saw this man perform (only on video, bit before my time). In more ways than one, nobody does 'cheese' quite like the French.

 

I'm off to find, if such a thing exists, an English language site for your perusal.

 

Success of sorts, Bless the BBC

Edited August 23, 2006 by Dave to the Grave

[Handrejka 1,842]

Thankyou for your kind words of welcome Lady Di and Brinsworth House Baiter.

 

Josco, I must confess to having posted on this forum a 'few' times before over the years, but, SttG and DttG could not be more different.

 

PS. BHB regarding the avatar. I don't know if you have ever had that daft conversation about, who, if heaven exists, would you go and see in concert on your first friday night there? Either Elvis, Marvin Gaye or Otis Redding, would usually have been my reply. This was until I saw this man perform (only on video, bit before my time). In more ways than one, nobody does 'cheese' quite like the French.

 

I'm off to find, if such a thing exists, an English language site for your perusal.

 

Success of sorts, Bless the BBC

 

Welcome Dave

Love the icon. Isn't he the guy who electruted himself while changing a lightbulb stood in the bath?

Quite possibly my favourite celeb death story. Certainly more interesting than the demise of my avatar

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Welcome Dave

Love the icon. Isn't he the guy who electruted himself while changing a lightbulb stood in the bath?

Quite possibly my favourite celeb death story. Certainly more interesting than the demise of my avatar

 

Thankyou Handrejka.

 

It most certainly is. A lesson for us all I suppose. I never fail to think of Claude every time I see a light bulb.

[Brinsworth House Baiter 12]

Dave to the Grave wrote:

 

PS. BHB regarding the avatar. I don't know if you have ever had that daft conversation about, who, if heaven exists, would you go and see in concert on your first friday night there?

 

That's easy. I have stipulated in my last will and testament that I be buried with as much Hovis as they can squeeze into my chipboard coffin and then my first stop is a Jesus gig. I'll work myself to the front and when he dives into the crowd (congregation surfing I believe it's called) I'm going to dump my bread at his feet and say 'there you go, boss, change that fuc*ing lot into wine.'

 

As a committed alcoholic I believe that it is important to plan for the afterlife that approaches more swiftly with each emptied can...

[Dave to the Grave 11]

That's easy. I have stipulated in my last will and testament that I be buried with as much Hovis as they can squeeze into my chipboard coffin and then my first stop is a Jesus gig. I'll work myself to the front and when he dives into the crowd (congregation surfing I believe it's called) I'm going to dump my bread at his feet and say 'there you go, boss, change that fuc*ing lot into wine.'

 

As a committed alcoholic I believe that it is important to plan for the afterlife that approaches more swiftly with each emptied can...

 

I am no expert in matters biblical, BHB, but I think you may be a little disappointed in Jesus's response. Unless of course you plan to open a sandwich shop in heaven .

 

I have also just been advised never to visit Blackpool in September. Apparently it would all be too much for me.

 

(I must get out more, I think I am starting to suffer from 'thread agoraphobia').

[Josco 48]

That's easy. I have stipulated in my last will and testament that I be buried with as much Hovis as they can squeeze into my chipboard coffin and then my first stop is a Jesus gig. I'll work myself to the front and when he dives into the crowd (congregation surfing I believe it's called) I'm going to dump my bread at his feet and say 'there you go, boss, change that fuc*ing lot into wine.'

 

As a committed alcoholic I believe that it is important to plan for the afterlife that approaches more swiftly with each emptied can...

My theological knowledge is a little rusty, but I seem to recall that this Jesus chappy actually turned water into wine. Not sure what he would do with the bread, but a friend of mine once told me (in confidence!) that bread dipped in milk was an interesting onanistic experience.

[Magere Hein 1,397]

My theological knowledge is a little rusty, but I seem to recall that this Jesus chappy actually turned water into wine. Not sure what he would do with the bread [...]

If memory serves He multiplied it, together with fish. Ah yes.

 

I don't think being a baker, fishmonger or wine merchant is a profitable enterprise in heaven.

 

regards,

Hein

[TLC 9]

That's easy. I have stipulated in my last will and testament that I be buried with as much Hovis as they can squeeze into my chipboard coffin and then my first stop is a Jesus gig. I'll work myself to the front and when he dives into the crowd (congregation surfing I believe it's called) I'm going to dump my bread at his feet and say 'there you go, boss, change that fuc*ing lot into wine.'

 

As a committed alcoholic I believe that it is important to plan for the afterlife that approaches more swiftly with each emptied can...

My theological knowledge is a little rusty, but I seem to recall that this Jesus chappy actually turned water into wine. Not sure what he would do with the bread, but a friend of mine once told me (in confidence!) that bread dipped in milk was an interesting onanistic experience.

male or female friend?

[The Four Horsemen 25]

And is that why hedgehogs are always smiling?