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Speaking of coffee, I have recently been most confused. While searching on the internet for recipes for coffee cake, I find many, many recipes - none of which include coffee (in any shape or form) among the ingredients. Apparently, in America, if one happens to enjoy a slice of cake along with a cup of coffee, said cake is described as "coffee cake". How bloody ridiculous. I mean, I might have a bit of cake with a mug of hot chocolate, it doesn't automatically make the cake a fucking chocolate cake, now does it? It could be fruit cake, or Battenburg cake, or anything really. Anyway, the upshot is that this ludicrous American usage has made it impossible to find recipes for proper coffee cake WITH COFFEE IN IT. Tossers.

Doing lunch. If you want to eat, eat. If you want to talk, talk. There's no need to eat and talk and then stop talking after pudding just because you've finished eating. Why not stop talking when you've said what there is to say and stop eating when you're full? What have they got to do with each other? Give me a Ginster's. That's lunch (or dinner where I come from). All the rest is bollocks. Oh yes, and now there's: "let's meet for a coffee", the cheapskate alternative to doing lunch. And worst of all there's: "Let's do breakfast?" You can fuck right off to that idea. I have breakfast when I get up and that's a bit of cereal and some milk and the last thing I want to do then is speak to anyone. While I'm at it, I'm not keen on supper either. What is this southern thing called supper? I once got invited round to somebody's house for supper, imagining it would be cheese and biscuits or a bun. But it was a full-blown four-course meal with wine and the works. Trouble was, I'd had me' tea before going. Still I had all the other stuff too, no point wasting it. But why couldn't they call it dinner? I'm not so unschooled on southern ways that I don't understand that dinner is tea, only a bit later and sometimes with a starter and pud. But I always considered supper a last-thing-at-night snack like a glass of milk and some Rich Tea biscuits. I suppose you could get a fish supper at the chippy but that was quite specific and it's pronounced supper as in Tupperware not "seppa" as in leper which is how it's pronounced in this godawful nightmare of an existence inside the M25.