maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted December 7, 2011 Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm. In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted December 11, 2011 I was going down on my girlfriend earlier and the smell coming from her vagina made me gag. Honestly, it beats me why I dug her up in the first place. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted December 13, 2011 Against my advice, my daughter has just gone to a bukkake party. Oh well, on her own head be it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Falkekopf 50 Posted December 13, 2011 Against my advice, my daughter has just gone to a bukkake party. Oh well, on her own head be it Jesus, what came over her? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Typhoid Harry 23 Posted December 15, 2011 Two old guys are sitting around one afternoon and one says to the other, "I saw on TV last night that elks have sex 10 - 15 times a night!" The other replies, "Damn, and I just joined the VFW!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted January 6, 2012 How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say "What's that?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted January 9, 2012 Bloke waiting on a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina. The operation goes ahead and is successful so the bloke decides to write to the donor to thank him. He starts the letter " Dear Diego marrow donor................. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted January 10, 2012 Bloke waiting on a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina. The operation goes ahead and is successful so the bloke decides to write to the donor to thank him. He starts the letter " Dear Diego marrow donor................. Groan. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 10, 2012 Spagetti Hoops make ideal Alphabetti Spaghetti for monkeys. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted January 11, 2012 When paying a social call on Irish friends a large bag of potatoes makes an ideal gift and shows genuine understanding of issues important to them. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted January 13, 2012 One of my friends told a joke on facebook the other day. It was a decent enough joke, but the response of another friend was funniest: Chris: Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag? "Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over". Darren: Aye where the fuck does he shop, I'm gonna go there from now on. That's at least 50 quid from tescos! I should probably explain - Chris is a chef, and yes, Darren really is that dim. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted January 14, 2012 A bunch of bus drivers had a wanking contest. Nothing happened for about 15 minutes... ...then 3 of them came together. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted January 16, 2012 Not the best 'Downfall' video out there, but I like it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va6r5Ez-VF8 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted January 18, 2012 April 14th 1912: MAN: "Women and children first please." 25 years ago: WOMAN: "Women want sex equality" ... 15 years ago: WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism" 5 years ago: WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality" 3 days ago: WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women" x 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
thefunkyfaz 51 Posted January 20, 2012 I bought a ticket in a lottery to win a Mediterranean cruise. Last week was a rollover... 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted January 31, 2012 Welcome to Fraserburgh: 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted February 1, 2012 A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies", he responded. "Oh. Killing any?", she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell the sex of a fly?" He responded: "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." regards, Hein 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted February 1, 2012 An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate." He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks. "I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted February 1, 2012 An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate." He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks. "I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!" Heard it before. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted February 14, 2012 What's six inches long and won't get sucked on St. Valentines day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Falkekopf 50 Posted February 14, 2012 An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 49 Posted February 22, 2012 An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you Sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes Sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.” 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Maryportfuncity Posted March 26, 2012 A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the car window he drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!" ... The man now in tears, cried, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 29, 2012 Apologies to anyone who finds this offensive (the basic joke is that there was an alternative blacks-only space program in the sixites) but this cracked me up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted March 29, 2012 A Halibut has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
