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A couple of Halibut women from Leeds are looking through an old photograph album.

'Oh look,' says one, 'there's my son on his first day at school, and here he is in the school play, and here with his football team...'

'Ah the children,' says her friend, 'They blow up so fast these days.'


C'mon guys, share a few rib ticklers with us.

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Perhaps a bit out dated:

 

Q) Whats brown and half eaten?

 

A) The Pope's (John Paul II) Easter egg.

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More up to date:

 

What's brown and half eaten?

 

The last pope.

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This may be percieved as sick but what the hell...

 

Q) Whats blue and orange and is found at the bottom of the swimming pool?

 

A) A baby with burst arm bands.

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This may be percieved as sick but what the hell...

 

Q) Whats blue and orange and is found at the bottom of the swimming pool?

 

A) A baby with burst arm bands.

Very cruel strange and menacing.. :P

 

I begin to wonder if this joke is a past exsperience or one

sick individual trying to get laughs.

 

I admit Windsor you could win an award on the most

sickest joke ever but as far as comedy goes i don't

think you got the so called standards.

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Guest lived so lets die

Ladies & Gentlemen today i've been playing with my balls, well not my balls but the boys next door. Cos i hav'nt got any balls the dog chewed mine up years ago. :P

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Guest JillyJill

Q. What's the difference between Londoners and Smarties?

 

A. Smarties don't melt in the tube.

 

:P

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Ladies & Gentlemen today i've been playing with my balls, well not my balls but the boys next door. Cos i hav'nt got any balls the dog chewed mine up years ago. :P

I agree that my comedy standard is quite low - but it could be worse as this so called joke shows.

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I must admit I am a Jimmy Carr fan:

 

Every day little Fatma has to walk ten miles a day just to get clean drinking water.

 

I can't help thinking...she should move.

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I have already posted this one somewhere else, but it cracks me up every time I think about it.

 

One day

the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs

to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was

trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read . . .

" And so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of

straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to

build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do

you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I

think he said...'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!'"

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There were two guys sitting on a bench who both suffered from parkinsons disease. And one said to the other 'Hey look, theres an ice cream seller over there. Would you like an ice cream?'

The second guy said yes, he wanted an ice cream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. So the first man goes away for it.

 

He comes back with an ice cream with a flake in it. The second man asks, 'Hey, weres my spinkles and juice?'. The first man says oh right, so you wanted an icecream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. 'Yes' replies the second man. So he goes off to get the additions he needs.

He comes back 5 minutes later. This time he has the ice cream with the flake and sprinkles but no juice. 'Christ Sake', shouts the second man - 'wheres the juice I wanted'. So the first man goes away again to get the juice.

After 5 minutes he finally returns. The ice cream was perfect. 'Right' said the first man - 'One Icecream with a flake, spinkles and strawberry juice'.

 

The Second man looks back at him puzzled and says - 'Wheres my chips?'

 

(I think this joke may be better face to face)

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(I think this joke may be better face to face)

Ya think?

 

 

A sadist and a masochist are walking down the street, the masochist turns to the sadist and says "Hit me", the sadist says "No".

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Two old ladies are sitting outside their old peoples' home having a smoke and a drink. It starts to rain, so the first old lady pulls out a condom packet, rips it open, snips the end off the condom and puts it on her cigarette.

 

"What's that?" Mable asks.

 

"It's a condom," Ethel says. "It keeps my cigarettes dry when it rains."

 

"That's a good idea. But where do you get them?"

 

"Oh, you can pick them up at any chemist shop."

 

"I'll have to get some of those," Mable says.

 

The next day, Mable hobbles off to the local chemist's. Inside, she goes straight up to the young assistant. "Do you sell condoms?" she asks.

 

The assistant, obviously embarrased by the little old lady asking for condoms, coughs and splutters a response. "Um, yes we do." He manages to regain his composure and continues. "What sort were you after exactly?"

 

"Oh, I don't care, just as long as they fit a camel."

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God goes up to the Arabs and says, "Would you guys like a commandment?" and the head Arab replies, "What is it?" and God says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and the head Arab says, "No thanks, we do that all the time, we enjoy it."

 

So god goes to the Egyptians and says, "Would you like a commandment?" and the Pharaoah says, "What is it?" and God says, "Thou shallt not covet thy neighbours wife nor his ass nor whatever," and the Pharaoah says, " No thanks, coveting's what we do best, we thrive on it."

 

So finally God goes to the Jews and he says to Moses, "Would you like a commandment?" and Moses says, "How much do they cost?" and God says, "They're free." So Moses says....

 

"I'll take ten."

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God goes up to the Arabs and says, "Would you guys like a commandment?" and the head Arab replies, "What is it?" and God says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and the head Arab says, "No thanks, we do that all the time, we enjoy it."

 

So god goes to the Egyptians and says, "Would you like a commandment?" and the Pharaoah says, "What is it?" and God says, "Thou shallt not covet thy neighbours wife nor his ass nor whatever," and the Pharaoah says, " No thanks, coveting's what we do best, we thrive on it."

 

So finally God goes to the Jews and he says to Moses, "Would you like a commandment?" and Moses says, "How much do they cost?" and God says, "They're free." So Moses says....

 

"I'll take ten."

ROFL

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Okay, I know it's an old one, but given the number of Scots who seem to lurk on this forum, this is for you....

 

In the beginning, God created the earth. On the second day, while he was making his countries, God discovered a small island off a continent he’d decided to christen ‘Europe’.

“I know,” thought God, “I shall make this land an area of outstanding natural beauty. I shall bless it with lochs and glens, crystal-clear waters and rivers teeming with wild salmon. I will name this country ‘Scotland’ and shall bestow upon the nation my favourite drink ‘whisky’, the water of life. I shall bequeath major reserves of gas and oil to bring its people great wealth and Aberdeen-Angus cattle so that they need never go hungry.”

When he’d finished his work, one of the angels turned to God and said,

“Hang on a minute. Why should Scotland be blessed with all these natural treasures? Aren’t we making life too easy for its people; shouldn’t they have something to test them?”

And God replied, “You haven’t seen who their neighbours are yet.”

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An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, along a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

 

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of the other from that moment on.

 

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman who exclaims, "May the Scots and the English live together forever in peace and harmony!"

 

The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

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An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

 

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

 

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony".

 

The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here".

:D:o:lol:

 

I like your new signature, by the way.

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An Englishman, American and a Frenchman came across a magic lamp, which when rubbed, produced a genie, who gave them a wish each. The American went first: "I would like the soil of my country to be fertile for ever so we can produce as much food as we can ever eat."

 

"It is done."

 

The Frenchman was next: "I would like to have a huge wall built around our beautiful country so that we can keep all our delicious cheeses and wines for ourselves, and to stop people invading us all the time."

 

"It is done."

 

Then came the Englishman: "Tell me about this wall..."

 

"Well, it's about two thousand metres high, and encloses the entire country."

 

"Fill it with water".

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, and surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

 

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back > the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis and his testicles in her hands.

 

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly," Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listens very, very closely.....

 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap.

 

When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

 

Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

 

And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French tosser again.'

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An Englishman, American and a Frenchman came across a magic lamp, which when rubbed, produced a genie, who gave them a wish each. The American went first: "I would like the soil of my country to be fertile for ever so we can produce as much food as we can ever eat."

 

"It is done."

 

The Frenchman was next: "I would like to have a huge wall built around our beautiful country so that we can keep all our delicious cheeses and wines for ourselves, and to stop people invading us all the time."

 

"It is done."

 

Then came the Englishman: "Tell me about this wall..."

 

"Well, it's about two thousand metres high, and encloses the entire country."

 

"Fill it with water".

I have been telling that joke for YEARS, but about Quebec rather than an entire country.

 

That being said, it's myth time; does anyone know why we call the frogs "frogs"? I have been trying forever to track this one down.

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There were two guys sitting on a bench who both suffered from parkinsons disease. And one said to the other 'Hey look, theres an ice cream seller over there. Would you like an ice cream?'

The second guy said yes, he wanted an ice cream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. So the first man goes away for it.

 

He comes back with an ice cream with a flake in it. The second man asks, 'Hey, weres my spinkles and juice?'. The first man says oh right, so you wanted an icecream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. 'Yes' replies the second man. So he goes off to get the additions he needs.

He comes back 5 minutes later. This time he has the ice cream with the flake and sprinkles but no juice. 'Christ Sake', shouts the second man - 'wheres the juice I wanted'. So the first man goes away again to get the juice.

After 5 minutes he finally returns. The ice cream was perfect. 'Right' said the first man - 'One Icecream with a flake, spinkles and strawberry juice'.

 

The Second man looks back at him puzzled and says - 'Wheres my chips?'

 

(I think this joke may be better face to face)

Isn't this meant to be Alzheimer's rather than Parkinson's....? Maybe I've missed something....

 

By the way, re frog's I don't think it's more interesting than that they eat frog's legs - cf: "garlic-chewers", "snail-eaters" etc

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Q. What's small, yellow and lives off dead beatles?

 

A. Yoko Ono.

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Isn't this meant to be Alzheimer's rather than Parkinson's....? Maybe I've missed something....

Alzheimers / Parkinsons - Whats the difference. :o

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