Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted September 28, 2018 14 minutes ago, Phantom said: Okay, are we supposed to insert our own joke in there???? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted September 28, 2018 I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter. After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this, you won’t look as gay” 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted September 28, 2018 I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying "Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress" I looked down and saw a little frog, " I said "Was that you speaking"? The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress" So I picked the little frog up and placed it in an empty bait box. When I got home, the missus was out, so I opened the bait box and the little frog said "Are you going to kiss me now so I can turn into your faithful mistress"? I said "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted September 28, 2018 Just saw a sign that made me piss myself..... Toilets Closed. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted September 28, 2018 18 hours ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said: Okay, are we supposed to insert our own joke in there???? There was supposed to be a photo. Not sure why it didn't upload Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted October 2, 2018 John:- Boss I am not coming into work to day coz i am sick. Boss:- How sick are you? John:- Well I am in bed with my sister 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted October 2, 2018 Three mice sitting at a bar in a tough neighbourhood late at night were trying to impress each other with how tough they are. One mouse orders a large scotch, downs it in a single glug and slams the glass onto the bar. He then turns to the second mouse and growls, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it with my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders two tall tumblers of Jim Beam, slugs em both down slamming each glass on the bar and snarls, "Yeah; Well when I see rat poison I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my tea each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day!" Then the two Macho Mice turn to the third mouse, 'Butch', to see what his reaction would be. Butch lets out a long sigh and replies, "I ain"t got time for this bollocks. It's getting late and I still have to raid the butter dish, snack in the breadbox, shit in the fruit bowl, and fuck the cat before I'm ready for bed!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 3, 2018 4 hours ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said: Three mice sitting at a bar in a tough neighbourhood late at night were trying to impress each other with how tough they are. One mouse orders a large scotch, downs it in a single glug and slams the glass onto the bar. He then turns to the second mouse and growls, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it with my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders two tall tumblers of Jim Beam, slugs em both down slamming each glass on the bar and snarls, "Yeah; Well when I see rat poison I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my tea each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day!" Then the two Macho Mice turn to the third mouse, 'Butch', to see what his reaction would be. Butch lets out a long sigh and replies, "I ain"t got time for this bollocks. It's getting late and I still have to raid the butter dish, snack in the breadbox, shit in the fruit bowl, and fuck the cat before I'm ready for bed!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 10, 2018 Two grim snippets shared by someone who knows I post on this thread: I like my women like my wine...12 years old and in the cellar What's the difference between me and cancer? - My dad didn't beat cancer. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 10, 2018 Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 10, 2018 A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 10, 2018 When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Putin 423 Posted October 10, 2018 My german girlfriend always rate me from 1-10 by how good the sex was, last night we tried anal and she yelled all the time 9 to me 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted October 13, 2018 A Beach Boy walks into a pub and walks up to the bar. * I get a round. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted October 13, 2018 On 28/09/2018 at 22:16, runebomme said: I’ve recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter. After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, “Use this, you won’t look as gay” Funnily enough I tried the Gym a few years back. First visit I got ready and noticed a hole in my trainer I could put my finger in. She complained, Police called and I'm not allowed back. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 14, 2018 I was a Samaritan many years ago, and I'll tell you what, easiest sex ever. You just had to get there before she went cold Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 14, 2018 Simon Weston's won a ten fold accumulator Bookies refused to pay out cause he's burned his coupon Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 14, 2018 27 minutes ago, Wee Jum said: Simon Weston's won a ten fold accumulator Bookies refused to pay out cause he's burned his coupon He had an argument with them and left looking frazzled Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 18, 2018 Not all terrorists are bad. I bought a kebab off one the other day and he gave me a free bottle of Coke. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted October 18, 2018 I got the terrible news that my son had an incurable liver disease and desperately needed a transplant, so I did what any good father would do. I bought next doors teenager a motorcycle. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 20, 2018 What's the best part of dating a girl going through chemotherapy? You don't have to hold her hair when she vomits. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 20, 2018 The wife has been missing for five days now. Police told me to prepare for the worst. So I’ve been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back, and have stopped fucking her sister. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 20, 2018 If you were fisted by Jeremy Beadle as a kid,you knew if he really liked you by what hand he used . 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted October 20, 2018 Couple of years back I went for a job at a Blacksmiths. Interview was along the lines of..; Q/ have you any experience of shoeing horses? A/ no, but I telt a donkey to fuck off once. * application unsuccessful. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,645 Posted October 20, 2018 Fed up with my compulsive stealing, my family sent me on the Jeremy Kyle show. I took a lie detector test. Got £50 for it at Cash Converters. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
