A Joke

[Tempus Fugit 214]

Dear President Bush,

 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

 

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

 

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from heathen nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

 

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

 

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

 

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

 

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

 

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may ! not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

 

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

 

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

 

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

[Lady Die 63]

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

 

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

[Saint Peter 14]

Vasectomy

 

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong

enough to nick one.

 

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife

didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative

was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the

can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the

world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point

he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue

counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland

and anywhere in Wales.

and all Man U fans...!!!!!!!!

[Lady Grendel 139]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The

announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK

Government's Youth Employment scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how

unemployed youths from the Glasgow area were able to remove a set of

wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas

Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of

euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari

management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the

UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari

now have an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for....at the

crew's first practice session, the Glasgow pit crew successfully

changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they

had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for

8 bottles of Stella, a bottle of Buckie and some photos of Coulthard's

bird in the shower.

[Paul Bearer 6,099]

Only in Glasgow!

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

A man walks into a sex shop and asks to buy a blow up woman.

 

'No bother chief,' says the assistant, 'We do christian blow up women at 45 pounds or Halibuts at 70 quid.'

 

'Why the difference in price?' asks the punter.

 

'Oh,' says the assistant, 'the Halibut ones are brilliant, they blow themselves up.'

[Banshees Scream 110]

When I was bored about a year ago I wrote this poem.

If you enjoy laughing at old people - then this is a joke

for you.

 

He is a very old man

He has been around for some time

He glady admits

He's way past his prime

With grey hair

And a frail stance

He always wishes

He could give 25 a second chance

He still has a mind

So straight and fine

He don't look age 99

[honez 79]

When I was bored about a year ago I wrote this poem. If you enjoy laughing at old people - then this is a joke for you.

A fine example of your talent BS. Your poetry certainly made me laugh.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

An expert biologist from the Natural History Museum passes a record

shop and is suprised to see an LP in the window with a picture of wasps on the cover. He is a wasp specialist so he can't help himself, he goes in to enquire what the record is all about. The man in the shop says the LP consists of field recordings of rare species of wasps in the wild. Enthralled by this he asks to hear it.

But after a few minutes of skipping through the grooves he turns to the shopkeeper and says that he is sure that the noises on the record are not wasps. The shopkeeper comes over and looks at the disk and says...

 

 

"Oh yeah, sorry mate that's the B-side"

[Bald rick 9]

Anubis, here's your coat...

[Bridge over the River Styx 0]

Q. What does "DNA" stand for?

A. National Dyslexic Association.

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

The police are digging up Fred West's patio and they find a human arm. A copper heads off to West in his cell and says:

 

'We've found an arm Fred, how many did you bury under the patio?'

 

'Oh, a couple,' says Fred.

 

A couple of days later the same copper faces Fred. 'You said there were two bodies, we found five.' says the copper.

 

'So,' says Fred, 'I'm a builder, it was an estimate.'

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

Oh aye, and the police have admitted George Best's funeral in Belfast was a sham. However, they now realise the private cremation in Hemel Hempstead was a massive mistake.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

 

Mick says "Hey! You! Get off of ma cloud!"

 

The farmer says " Hey! McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

 

One is a self-regarding throwback pursuing a job that long since ceased to matter or produce anything of value to anyone else, the other is a Scottish sheep farmer.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

 

One is a self-regarding throwback pursuing a job that long since ceased to matter or produce anything of value to anyone else, the other is a Scottish sheep farmer.

I tip my hat to you, Sir.

[Lady Die 63]

To mark the first gay weddings in the UK, Ikea is launching a "lesbian bed" - no screwing, just tongue & groove.

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

And all the married lezzers get a licker licence!

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

Oh aye, and here's one I heard recently. I'm warning you now it's f*****g offensive so if you're easily annoyed................don't f*****g read it.

 

Q - What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy?

 

A - Are you going to eat ALL those sweets?

[Lady Die 63]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when

they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship

that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female

whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the

same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it

and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the

whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the

safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and

told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach

the shore." At this point, he realised that the female was becoming

reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job",

"but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

A man gets into the back of a taxi, and gives the driver his destination. After a while, the man thinks they are going the wrong way, so he leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder.

 

The driver screams, swerves the car and they end up in a ditch.

 

'What the hell is going on,' shouts the man.

 

'Sorry mate,' says the driver, 'this is my first day on the taxis, I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.'

[Guest Toke Deltorso]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic- Agnostic -Insomniac, he layed awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog?.

[verminarrd 0]

Heres one kinda new and it involves death....

 

A man dies and goes to hell.. while down there he meets a demon.

 

Demon: hi im the hell liason ill show you around .. Hells not all that bad as people make out .. You smoke?

 

Man: hell yeah i smoke 2 packs a day

 

Demon: well todays monday.. on mondays we sit around and smoke all day.. ciggerattes, cigars, pipes.. smoke till are lungs burst it doenst matter were already dead

 

Man: Thats sounds good

 

Demon: You drink?

 

Man: sure I do at least a six pack a day..

 

Demon: Well on tuesdays we drink all day ..beer, whiskey, tequila drink till are liver shrivels up.. what do we care ..were dead

 

Man: wow thats great

 

Demon: How about drugs?

 

Man: well sure.. I smoke pot regulary.. occasionally a few lines..

 

Demon: on Wednesdays we do Pot, coke, extacy, smack.. f@#k it OD it doesnt matter..

 

Man: wow thats really cool..whats on thursdays?

 

Demon: are you gay?

 

man: No

 

Demon: well your gonna hate thursdays

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

 

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

 

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

 

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh

[maryportfuncity 10,630]

- Doctor Doctor, I think I've got bird flu.

 

- Alright, what are your symptoms?

 

- Well, I keep talking bollocks and I can't park the car.