beebee 1 Posted March 9, 2006 what is brown and sticky? a stick. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted March 11, 2006 Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?' 'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.' The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your f***ing cat.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 148 Posted March 16, 2006 Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient says: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. This patient says: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, Blair moves to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Blair is noneplussed. He turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 107 Posted March 16, 2006 Two ADDers were sitting at the table of the local diner. . . their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean dish...'" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 107 Posted March 16, 2006 A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 107 Posted March 16, 2006 There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 107 Posted March 16, 2006 A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,143 Posted March 16, 2006 I have reached the conclusion that there is no justice in this world. Can you see the justice in this?: Gary Glitter molested underage girls and got only 3 years in prison but Christopher Reeve got the electric chair for riding horses. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
M Busby Airlines 7 Posted March 17, 2006 I have reached the conclusion that there is no justice in this world. Can you see the justice in this?: Gary Glitter molested underage girls and got only 3 years in prison but Christopher Reeve got the electric chair for riding horses. About as funny as the Scottish Parliament. But cheaper! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,143 Posted March 17, 2006 I have reached the conclusion that there is no justice in this world. Can you see the justice in this?: Gary Glitter molested underage girls and got only 3 years in prison but Christopher Reeve got the electric chair for riding horses. About as funny as the Scottish Parliament. But cheaper! Well I thought it was a decent attempt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,469 Posted March 17, 2006 An Irish daughter had not been home for over 10 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a ... a... prostitute... " "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now, what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come 'ere and give yer old man a hug!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted March 17, 2006 An Irish daughter had not been home for over 10 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a ... a... prostitute... " "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now, what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come 'ere and give yer old man a hug!" Very appropriate for St Patrick's Day Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
beebee 1 Posted March 18, 2006 C L A Y P I G E O N S H O O T I N G Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me? I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me? I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?). Is there anything I need to know? Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks. i can't help but think that dick cheney could be of SOME use if he would answer this one. and now....the joke a duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender "got any corn?" bartender says "no" the next day, the duck comes in and asks the bartender "got any corn?" the bartender says "NO" the third day, the duck comes in. "got any corn?" the bartender gats real mad and yells at the duck "this is a bar. we don't sell corn. if you ask me again, i'll nail your beak to the bar!" so, the next day, the duck comes in and asks "got any nails?" puzzled, the batender says "no" "then, got any corn?" first time i heard that i laughed so hard. i almost fell out of my crib. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,469 Posted March 21, 2006 An Irishman went for a job an a building site. You'll have to answer a test question, said the foreman, what's the difference between a joist and a girder? Ah, sorr, now that's an easy one, he said. Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted March 21, 2006 Why did Lieutenant Uhura? Because William Shatner.... Penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you seen my brother in here?". Barman replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?".... Please note; the poster of the above message accepts no responsibility regarding the overall comedy value of the material used. If anybody has any complaints relating to the above, please do so via this link. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted March 21, 2006 Why did Lieutenant Uhura?[snip] Barman replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?".... Karma can be very fast these days; since I posted those two 'jokes' about 10 mins ago the company I work for has gone into administration... Big Issue anyone? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted March 21, 2006 Why did Lieutenant Uhura? [snip] Barman replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?".... Karma can be very fast these days; since I posted those two 'jokes' about 10 mins ago the company I work for has gone into administration... Big Issue anyone? OH NO! Good luck with the jobhunting. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,469 Posted March 21, 2006 Why did Lieutenant Uhura? [snip] Barman replies, "I don't know, what does he look like?".... Karma can be very fast these days; since I posted those two 'jokes' about 10 mins ago the company I work for has gone into administration... Big Issue anyone? TLC, Sorry to hear that, hope all goes well with finding a new job. Having been made redundant twice in the past, I can understand what you're going through. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted March 21, 2006 TLC, Sorry to hear that, hope all goes well with finding a new job. Having been made redundant twice in the past, I can understand what you're going through. OH NO! Good luck with the jobhunting. Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated. Plus it took attention away from my original joke attempts, which is the silver lining I guess. I promise I really found out between making the two posts, very weird. Someone's way of telling me that I should work harder! Although not my manager, because she resigned yesterday. Hmmmm.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,469 Posted March 21, 2006 what goes "Mark! Mark! Mark!"? A dog with a hair-lip. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 22 Posted March 22, 2006 [*]A strip of red tarmac walks into a bar, walks over to the barman and yells:"GET ME A BEER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS" The barman does as he's told very quickly, the tarmac drinks the beer, wolfs down the crisps and walks out with out paying. A man sat at the bar turns round and asks, "Why didn't you stop him?" "I'm not messing with him," replies the barman, "he's a cyclepath".... This has really tickled me! Good stuff Captain Oates! Ok, two vampire bats are about to go hunting for blood. The first flies off and reappears a minute later with glistening blood all around his mouth. " Wow, where'd you find that then?" Said the second bat. Using his claw to point out the direction, the bat says, " Do you see that tree over there next to the house with the lights on?" " Yes " Says the second bat " Well I didn't." Says the first. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
beebee 1 Posted March 22, 2006 Jesus is hanging up on the cross, and starts calling "peter, peter" peter is way back in the crowd and starts to shove his way through. "peter, peter" " i'm coming" says peter. finaly he gets to the foot of the cross and looks up. "yes, Lord?" Jesus looks down and says "I can see your house from here!" i am soooo going to hell for that one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 22 Posted March 22, 2006 An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scottishman are working on the building site of a new highrise. Every lunch- time the Irishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Tuna sandwiches, again." And every lunch-time, the Scottishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Ham sandwiches, again." And every lunch-time, the Englishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Cheese sandwiches, again." After a few weeks of this, all three men have had enough and agree that if their sandwiches are the same tomorrow, they will all jump from the top of the 20-storey construction. Needless to say, the sandwiches were all the same, so, one by one, the three men jumped to their splattering deaths. At the wake after the funeral, the three wives were talking about the reasons for their husbands' deaths. " I didn't realise my husband hated tuna so much!" Exclaimed the Irish wife. " I didn't realise my husband hated ham so much!" exclaimed the Scottish wife. The English wife looked perplexed, " I really don't understand, because my husband made his own sandwiches every day." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted March 22, 2006 An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scottishman [snip]The English wife looked perplexed, " I really don't understand, because my husband made his own sandwiches every day." is this a politically correct version, or is it just because I'm from England that these jokes always had the Irishman as the butt of the jokes when I was a kid? Either way, it's fair enough. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,143 Posted March 22, 2006 An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scottishman are working on the building site of a new highrise. Every lunch- time the Irishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Tuna sandwiches, again." And every lunch-time, the Scottishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Ham sandwiches, again." And every lunch-time, the Englishman looks into his lunchbox and sighs " Cheese sandwiches, again." After a few weeks of this, all three men have had enough and agree that if their sandwiches are the same tomorrow, they will all jump from the top of the 20-storey construction. Needless to say, the sandwiches were all the same, so, one by one, the three men jumped to their splattering deaths. At the wake after the funeral, the three wives were talking about the reasons for their husbands' deaths. " I didn't realise my husband hated tuna so much!" Exclaimed the Irish wife. " I didn't realise my husband hated ham so much!" exclaimed the Scottish wife. The English wife looked perplexed, " I really don't understand, because my husband made his own sandwiches every day." Let me tell you the same type of joke, but from Scotland. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had just escaped from a Nazi prisoner of war camp and were being chased by some Nazi soldiers. The 3 men ran into a barn and seen three sacks on the barn floor so each of them jumped in a sack. The soldiers made it to the barn and seen the three sacks. He kicked the first sack and the englishman shouted 'meow'. The officer thought it was a bag of kitten's and so moved along. He then kicked the second sack to which the Scotsman shouted 'woof'. The officer thought it was a bag of puppies and so moved on to the last sack. So the officer moves on to the last sack and gives it a kick to which the Irishman replies 'Potatoes*'. *Tatties up here. Has anyone heard the one about the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman and the magic cliff? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
