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Veganism is like Communism..

 

They are both fine, unless you like food.

 

 

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What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?

 

Vegans rub it in your face for free.

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A nice clean family friendly one...

 

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger and larger, then it hit me...

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A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

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On 18/06/2020 at 20:31, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

I honestly thought that you were going to come on here tonight and post a highly inappropriate joke about our Dame Vera.

Come on man!!

I'm waiting. :D

 

 

RIP Dame Vera Lynn. A wonderful singer and an absolute stunner back in the day. I wanted to bang her the moment I saw her singing for the troops in Afghanistan - Wayne Rooney

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My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

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Two sperms are having a race, one sperm says, “My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?”
The second sperm says, “Not for a long time yet, we’ve only just gone past her tonsils!!

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4 gay guys are sat in a jacuzzi. Suddenly a condom starts floating, one gay guy turns around and asks "Ok, who farted?"

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What's the difference between Catholic Priests and zits?

 

Zits don't come on your face until you're 12!

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On 26/06/2020 at 08:05, One shot Paddy said:

What's the difference between Catholic Priests and zits?

 

Zits don't come on your face until you're 12!

 

 

A rarity - priest joke that isn't about paedophilia

 

b7f86b15d567a3a6d2146cbb820df959.jpg

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richmond.jpg

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Warning!!!! Please share, dont become a victim of this scam.
Today I was walking through Sheffield city centre when I was approached by a smartly dressed man who asked me if I would like to smell his cheese. As he asked this he gestured his hand towards my nose which was in the extended palm position. Being a lover of cheese I saw no harm in taking the man up on his kind offer.
As he brought his hand up to my nose what I hadn't noticed was that his other hand was in the clentched fist position at the base of his extended palm (see picture). When his finger tips reached my nostrils I could neither see or smell the cheese and it was too late to retract as his now perfectly alligned fist of the other hand was traveling towards my nose at speed, which struck me with considerable force.
There was never any cheese! This was a scam to catch me off guard and punch me in the nose.
No matter how much you love cheese do not accept offers to "smell my cheese" off people you don't know.
Please share and stay safe!

cheese.jpg

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An elderly lady phones her husband on his way home from London.

She says "Dear be careful on your way home, there's some lunatic on the M1 driving down the wrong side of the road"

 

To which he replies "There's not just one of them, there's fucking hundreds of them!"

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106095098_2032194206922063_4778765377879

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Fool people into thinking you're an octopus by drinking 10 pints of ink..and farting whenever someone startles you!!

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What do you call a gay astronaut?

 

Whatever his name is you homophobic piece of shit.

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I saw two guys wearing matching clothes and I asked them if they were gay, they quickly arrested me.

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107911602_10158857872507474_592034875242

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Screenshot_20200711-212337.jpg

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God pedophiles are fucking immature assholes :angry:

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Two JFK conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

They finally ask God to once and for all settle for them who it was that killed JFK. God sighs and patiently and lovingly admonishes them,

"You've spent so much of your lives chasing after this conspiracy. You've sacrificed time with your families, allowed yourselves to be overcome by paranoia. You've wasted so much of the time and energy that I gave you. Oswald killed Kennedy. He was acting on his own and all of the evidence you needed to satisfy yourselves of that was there the whole time, if only you had looked with open hearts and minds."

The one conspiracy theorist turns to the other and whispers, "This goes higher than we thought."

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Start a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a day

 

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

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Just reading American Scream - biography of Bill Hicks

 

When he was 14 he cracked a joke at school that went something like

 

My dad works in the morgue. He was sacked for having a relationship with one of the corpses. 

 

This shocked the family because we all knew the relationship was only platonic

 

 

Apparently this joke when down like a lead brick at school because none of the 14 year old sports obsessed schoolmates he cracked it to knew what "platonic" meant. So, the story is presented in the biography as a means of explaining how the love/hate thing with Texas and Texan values was always part of his professional make up.

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