The Monkeys

[Windsor 2,233]

Let me assure you, through all that I was clapping with a false smile. Just in case the camera turned to my direction...

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Id like to say how touched I am, but I wont.

Actually, im pretty amazed that our elite panel didnt consider it their duty to bestow a special " Going beyond the call of duty, how comes you havent slit your wrists" award to Mr Screams Therapist.

It seems that not even the full might of the New York trick cyclist community can do anything to stop BS from being a complete fuckwitt.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Dear Mods,

 

Thanks for editing my signature, I'm forced to be honest.

 

The award ceremony that was presented by a member named Godot last night was one of the most false, most tasteless, most unprofessional productions that I have ever seen on this forum in my time of contribution.

 

My efforts last night were done out of pride and they were done for the purpose of correction, not arrogance. A ceremony of honor is made for the purpose of truth, not opinion. Although some categories may seem opinionated in my view all winners claim their recognition by a long shot.

 

Any intelligent human being would realize that one who is not open minded (Coughhhh Godot) cannot make the right decisions. The 'Monkey' results last night in my mind were equivalent to The very liberal New York Times making random and false statements about John McCain.

 

I'm disappointed. I really am. I'm disappointed in the mods for their lack of judgment and for their lack of irony and just about everything. I didn't like it.

 

Overall the only part of Godot's paragraph that mine was not equipped with was some of the judgment of the moderators who most likely nominated themselves. My presentation held more awards that are essential categories and I'm sure most of you agree. The list hits the floor.

 

If any f****n idiot with a half of brain were to read my paragraph and Godot's in the same half hour span mine would vote better at least 7 - 3. If not 8 - 2. Couldn't be more honest.

 

Of course .. I .. . wasn't given ... the permission to have such an honor of making that presentation ................ You know ..... the mods are right. Nobody told me I could do it .................................................................No. Nobody told me. I felt that I had too.

 

PS mods

 

Next year in say November when you are ready to gather information for the next awards send me a little PM.

 

 

It would be a supreme irony if the 'rant of the year' 2008 went to a post on The Monkeys thread.......

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Assuming we're awarding Monkeys again, could some Mod/admin person provide us with a list of gongs to be given this year.

 

If we're going with a chap(ess) of the year again, I'd like to kick off the festive discussions by nominating the selfless LFN for his sterling work organising DLconII and chasing up people on his mobile, even as said event was in full - pie munching - swing.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

Assuming we're awarding Monkeys again, could some Mod/admin person provide us with a list of gongs to be given this year.

 

If we're going with a chap(ess) of the year again, I'd like to kick off the festive discussions by nominating the selfless LFN for his sterling work organising DLconII and chasing up people on his mobile, even as said event was in full - pie munching - swing.

Thats very kind of you Mary but I cannot pretend that I was frantically ringing round to gather the full might of DLs membership to the piss up.

I was actually contacting the "Therapists" of BS to make certain that he hadnt escaped.

While Im here, I will use the DLconII meet up to award a few of my own prizes.

NAP and LG for making the long tiresome journey from afar, in particular NAP who actually flew back in the early hours of the following morning. Well done Sir!

LB for having the courage to come down.Thank you, you were lovely.

RA for doing the train run, as I did, MPFC for turning up despite being in demand from all those Zoos..........

Harry for giving Bed and Board to LG, allowing her to come down, thanks Harry, you were a star.

Me for being me

The Bar staff

The Furniture

The Decor

And all who sailed in her

Gawd Bless ya!!

[Godot 149]

Remember the Monkeys are not awarded until the Oscar season in February (or maybe January this year, the panel has yet to decide) so there's plenty of time for recollections. But it's good to start thinking now. With the modest powers invested in me as clerk to the panel I would be happy to receive PMs or you can nominate in the thread.

 

There will be the usual categories. Here is a list with 2007 winners :

 

Death of the year: George Melly

Thread of the year: Kate and Gerry

Poster of the Year: DDT

Post of the year: Harry Potter/Star Wars letter (Boudicca).

Rant of the Year: LFN/Harrymcnally

Avatar of the year: Anubis the Jackal

Newcomer of the year: Monoclinic

Joke of the year: MPFC

 

There may be one or two other minor categories such as spat of the year, pedant, sulk or best link but there's really no point in having attention seeker or ramble of the year since, as always, there could be only one winner.

[Banshees Scream 110]

But it's good to start thinking now. With the modest powers invested in me as clerk to the panel I would be happy to receive PMs or you can nominate in the thread.

Isn't it my turn to lead the parade? It would be my honor to present the awards but I won't get that privilege. They don't want my irony. They don't want my dramatic introduction and they don't want a prolific ending. No big deal.

 

It might be a better idea for this "old chap" to take the stand then. Rock on Nick Clooney. Give them a classic.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

But it's good to start thinking now. With the modest powers invested in me as clerk to the panel I would be happy to receive PMs or you can nominate in the thread.

Isn't it my turn to lead the parade? It would be my honor to present the awards but I won't get that privilege. They don't want my irony. They know im a complete berk......

Ah BS, my vulgarity is, once again, trumped by your sheer arrogance.

The only irony you have is the one that straightens out the creases of your clotheys.

Leave the awards to the grown ups, eh?

[Banshees Scream 110]

Ah BS, my vulgarity is, once again, trumped by your sheer arrogance.

The only irony you have is the one that straightens out the creases of your clotheys.

Leave the awards to the grown ups, eh?

Arrogant? It was just a generous offer of which I'm confident will be rejected. Why waste my time? I'm an honest man.

I let it be heard. Nick over there knows I wish him all the best in presenting a completely deceptive award ceremony.

 

I wonder who the poster of the year will be? Let me guess. Could it be LFN? After organizing that convention in a bar somewhere crowded with people you must fit the criteria. Wait! You also tried to kill that cretin off. That liar, that racist, that bigot, that 'W**ker", that low life. The list hits the floor, doesn't it? It goes on for an eternity. (Slow clapping)

 

Congragulations. I wonder what the thread of the year will be? I wonder what the post of the year will be? I wonder what the rant of the year will be? !!!. LFN, you are truly a champion my friend. You are a big man, LFN. A quality existence on a forum made up of a controversial subject on the internet.

 

You have the ideal outlook on reality as it stands. I endorse you. Bravo! Genius! Hear my applause. I'm sure Cowboy Ronnie and Notapotato and Lady Grendel and the others won't mind me spoiling that "great big surprise".

 

"Newcomer" of the year? Any suggestions Tefkeg? Death of the year? Charlton Heston. I posted it by the way. It will probably be Edmund Hillary then. Avatar of the year? Stop it. It's obvious. Let there be this artificial award ceremony. Rejoice.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

LFN, you are truly a champion my friend. You are a big man, LFN. A quality existence on a forum made up of a controversial subject on the internet.

 

You missed out the fact he's a decent man who bought me beer and provided convivial company for an afternoon.

 

Anyway, death of the year.....Steve Fossett surely, an element of suspense, entertainment and full-on irony in that one. Heston would only have come close if someone had shot him and he'd lingered on life support for a week or two.

[Godot 149]

The panel is having to deal with the Monkeys a little earlier this year so if you have any nominations please add them here or PM me soonest. Have already had one or two. The winners will be appearing in the next day or two.

 

PS, please could someone with transformational powers change the heading to Best of the Deathlist 2008.

Edited December 30, 2008 by honez
Done

[Godot 149]

The Monkeys 2009

 

It’s that time – tonight’s the night that Deathlisters honour their own. Are we all wearing our best bib and tuckers?*

 

After the runaway success of Banshees Scream in several categories the last time around, the Scream had a quieter year in 2008, much to the relief of his fellow posters and therapist.

 

This was a record-matching year for the DL in its predictions, reflecting the professionalism and thoroughness that underpins the forum. Nowhere was this more evident than in the predictive posting of Devon Death Trip whose suggestions in “Ideas and possibilities” were keeling over before the ink was dry on his posts.

 

Where does he find them? Wherever it is, it delivered success in the Derby Deadpool and means that he retains the Poster of the Year accolade in the Monkeys (not for deadpool success, the panel hastens to add, but for his unhealthy devotion to deadpooling on the DL).

 

Again due to popular demand there is the coveted Monkey for Most Entertaining Poster. There were many quality contenders. The double-act of Lard Bazaar and LFN gelled well. The sharp wit of Honez deserves a mention and so too does the gentle quirkiness of Dave to the Grave. But for his steady stream of chucklesome posts the Most Entertaining Monkey is the one and only Anubis The Jackal (even without his ******).

 

Among the newcomers TAFKAG, welcomed here by the much pissed missed Star Crossed, Deadtowrites and BC Alum have become regular posters. BC Alum showed a few Banshee-like traits and he was nominated for a special category “tease of the year” that puzzled the panel somewhat, but not a few others.

 

The newcomer who seemed to create the strongest impression, striking the right tone in her posts, was Dia de los Muertos who was quickly alerted to the threat of stalkers - see comments. She is Newcomer of the Year.

 

By popular request we also have a Put Down of the Year Monkey this year and this goes to the DL’s “national treasure” Mr Bruno Brimley who became rather irked when LFN decided he was really Banshee Scream. Well wouldn’t anyone?

 

There were many nominations for Death of the Year including the obvious candidates such as Paul Newman and Sir Edmund Hillary, fine choices both. But, this being the Monkeys, it was felt that due consideration should go to those who had made a distinctive contribution to life's rich tapestry (cut the hyperbole, Ed). Studs Terkel and Bobby Fischer came close. Solzhenitsyn might have won a Monkey for the least pronounceable name. But two names stood out and choosing between them was difficult. Neither Oliver Postgate nor Humphrey Lyttleton ever graced the Deathlist but they should have done. Lyttleton, with his wicked sense of humour, wins it, an honorary deathlister if ever there was one.

 

There were a few good rants this year. Like this. Windsor almost made Room 101 his own thread. LFN featured strongly again but as stress began to show, a few of us, it seems from the strength of the nominations, were entertained by the tones of desperation in Odstock’s post here. So he wins the Rant of the Year Monkey.

 

The picture association thread in its various incantations proved a hit this year, not with everyone, but with many. So it is Thread of the Year. The panel decided not to award an avatar Monkey this year.

 

Best Post Monkey goes to Honez, not just for the one post here, but for the way he helped to transform an unpromising thread about the perceived threat of the large hadron collider in to one of the liveliest of 2008.

 

Best link

posted by Lady Grendel.

 

Joke of the Year: MPFC was once again responsible for some of the best and the worst. This one was a strong contender. But Phantom snatched it with this.

 

There isn’t a Monkey for moderators but if there were the winner would be Lady Grendel.

 

 

Death of the year: Humphrey Lyttleton

 

Thread of the year: Picture Association

Poster of the year: Devon Death Trip

 

Most entertaining poster: Anubis the Jackal

 

Best newcomer: Dia de los Muertos

Best Post: Honez

 

Rant of the year: Octopus of Odstock

Put down of the year: Bruno Brimley

Best link: Lady Grendel

 

Joke of the year: Phantom

 

Mentions in dispatches: There should be a special mention for LFN for organising the DL convention again. The panel noted earlier the online chemistry of LFN and Lardy whose bum-baring threats, amusingly outrageous posts, often at the expense of herself, have done much to raise the tone of the site. For those who are left Monkyless look no further than Peter O’Toole who has never won an Oscar. There ain’t no justice.

 

 

A note from the sponsors: The Monkeys has hardly been going long enough to become a fixture here and this is the last year that it will be compiled by the existing panel. If anyone (apart from Banshees Scream who is not eligible) would like to take on the clerk’s job next year please feel free. The only qualification is an appreciation of the quirkiness of the Deathlist and a willingness to be arsed (as opposed to can’t be arsed). Short of that, these posts might be allowed to drift in to the nether world of forgotten threads.

 

Reluctantly for him, Godot is going away for a while, presently, to the land of the Oogum Biglows where he will try his damndest not to lurk or peak but that will be difficult.

 

*NB. Acceptance speeches are welcome but try to keep them short and no tears please.

 

PS. This post has taken all f*****g day.

[Banshees Scream 110]

Reluctantly for him, Godot is going away for a while, presently, to the land of the Oogum Biglows where he will try his damndest not to lurk or peak but that will be difficult.

"Slow clapping" .. as a legend is killed off. Scream, the long contributing veteran who has changed with the times but remains in full swing swing will not analyze these awards. Vintage Scream would have analyzed them but frankly he doesn't care.

 

"He stands up and walks out of the room"

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

"Slow clapping" .. as a legend is killed off. Scream, the long contributing veteran who has changed with the times but remains in full swing swing will not analyze these awards. Vintage Scream would have analyzed them but frankly he doesn't care.

 

"He stands up and walks out of the room"

Once a twat, always a twat.

The only thing constant on here is you BS.

Twat head.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Mentions in dispatches: There should be a special mention for LFN for organising the DL convention again. The panel noted earlier the online chemistry of LFN and Lardy.

 

Seconded, in both cases. The chemistry extended to meeting her at the station and leading her to the venue.

[Terminator 13]

"He stands up and walks out of the room"

 

...with his box of toys, comfort blanket and dummy/pacifier.

[CarolAnn 926]

"He stands up and walks out of the room"

 

...with his box of toys, comfort blanket and dummy/pacifier.

 

Quick. Nail it shut.

[honez 79]

The Monkeys 2009

... Best Post Monkey goes to Honez, not just for the one post here, but for the way he helped to transform an unpromising thread about the perceived threat of the large hadron collider in to one of the liveliest of 2008.

I'd like to thank Godot and The Academy for my little monkey. It was completely unexpected and most undeserved. xzandra deserves at least half of the credit, as without her, my post would have been unnecessary and, let's be honest, far less entertaining if hers was a coherent and well-thought-out post in the first place.

Theoretical particle physics is hardly my forte, in fact, nothing much is, so I hope to leave Ms Monoclinic in charge of scientific post dissection this year. I will endeavour to rip the crap out of other unintelligible posts this year though, regardless. I neither seek or expect undeserved acclaim for doing so. Irate morons are, as always, my only reward. The icing on the cake is when they pull out the dyslexic card. If they do, I know I've hit the spot.

As MPFC so eloquently puts it; Go well.

[Banshees Scream 110]

Monkeys\Recap

I originally stated that I wasn't going to be vocal on my take of these awards but I've decided that I will breifly analyze the results. Godot deserved more then my lazy comment. I banged my knee against a steel object and I was sort of in a Dr. House mood. I was limping around. Anyway, it's all very opinionated but as a critic I'll share my perception of who I believe stole the show. I'll cover three categories.

 

Death of the year: Humphrey Lyttleton might have had an ununsual sense of humor but a title of such magnitude couldn't possibly belong to him. Talking in general, I could barely identify who he is or what he accomplished in life. Heath Ledger and Edmund Hillary both are qualified as is Heston and Newman and possibly even George Carlin. Hell, it's a wide category. B Calum has a longer list then all of us and I don't blame him. Look, Lyttleton might have been interesting but he falls a little bit short of claiming this trophy.

 

Thread of the year: Picture Association generated a new wave of interest among common posters in 2008. It's both a very creative and addictive activity that sky rockets your post count and gives an unlimited amount of oppertunity for contributers to go from eccentric to ridiculous. It expands the imagination. The thread has even gathered posters who only post in that thread alone. It was introduced in the Sydney Pollack thread which existed on DL because of me so I'll agree it earns this award. (I'm not really that cocky but I agree the panel hit this one right on) it can be pretty entertaining.

 

Best post: Honez certainly made "one of the best" posts of 2008 but it wasn't when he lectured a curious girl who was wrongfully influenced in her ways of communication. Honez created a post where he explained that he did most of the house work and outdoor chores. It was a shocker. It was unexpected. Most of us either vision him trying to solve equations or we vision him hunting for fresh meat. It just so happens that Honez is actually a good cook and he does some gardening. Honez is in charge of the fly swatter and he builds wooden objects and even irons his own cloths. Honez even Hoovers! It was so random that it was hilarious. It's another wide category but if you want to talk Honez it's this one. It was a classic.

[honez 79]

Most of us either vision [honez] trying to solve equations or we vision him hunting for fresh meat.

WTF? You surprise me yet again with how your cogs turn BS. I don't know how/where you got that impression of me, but it's incorrect.

 

where he explained that he ... [does this] ... [and that] ... [and other stuff] ...

Erm, I hate to point out the obvious, BS, but there would be quite a few other DL members that do very similar things to me. That's the kind of stuff that grown ups do. I'm glad you find it hilarious. It's called life. Not all of us are plugged into the matrix 24 hours a day.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Hoovering!

 

Pah! I can handle the dishwasher and the washing machine during the same hour, loaded, unloaded and I NEVER mix up the powders and tablets.

[Godot 149]

Some nice points Banshees. The panel should certainly have considered George Carlin and that was an oversight but it remains happy with Lyttleton and if you don't know him well, you should get some tapes of "I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue," one of the funniest shows in any media in the past 20 years. Samantha is your type, definitely.

 

The creases exchange - the series of posts, not just the one that sparked it off - was also very fine. Thanks for recalling it. It's a shame you didn't mention it earlier as it might have earned a Monkey all of its own.

 

I had a good laugh going over the "ironing" posts again. Honez and LFN made me feel so ashamed because I do the bare minimum around the house and the long suffering Mrs Godot just lives to serve. It's horrible, shaming, degrading and fills me with self-loathing and some extraordinarily fine Yorkshire puds and gravy when she is cooking her best. When I and those like me are dead and feeding the worms no one shall shed a tear for such antedeluvian behaviour. Still, I guess they won't be burying me with my sewing machine.

 

And that really is my last word for a while. I'm going to miss this place.

 

Sayonara,

 

G

[Monoclinic 39]

Most of us either vision [honez] trying to solve equations or we vision him hunting for fresh meat.

WTF? You surprise me yet again with how your cogs turn BS. I don't know how/where you got that impression of me, but it's incorrect.

 

where he explained that he ... [does this] ... [and that] ... [and other stuff] ...

Erm, I hate to point out the obvious, BS, but there would be quite a few other DL members that do very similar things to me. That's the kind of stuff that grown ups do. I'm glad you find it hilarious. It's called life. Not all of us are plugged into the matrix 24 hours a day.

 

Is this the kind of matrix you were thinking of?

 

 

Godot - have a good sabbatical and hurry back soon!

[Banshees Scream 110]

WTF? You surprise me yet again with how your cogs turn BS. I don't know how/where you got that impression of me, but it's incorrect. Erm, I hate to point out the obvious, BS, but there would be quite a few other DL members that do very similar things to me. That's the kind of stuff that grown ups do. I'm glad you find it hilarious. It's called life. Not all of us are plugged into the matrix 24 hours a day.

How does it feel Honez? The first sentence above is my permanent answer to those who labelled me incorrectly this passed summer. How did I receive the impression? I aqquired it after reading a large amount of your posts over the years. You operate on many levels. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to grasp the fact that you, Honez, is on another level then the vast majority. I think the impression is that you have presented yourself as a very intelligent human being. The "solving equations impression" wasn't a bad gimmick even as it's false.

 

I don't perceive "life" (using your definition) as a comedy skit but the hoovering alone encourages one to perceive it comically. Does Mrs. H keep a behaviour chart? I thought it was random and it revealed another side of Honez which many would consider admirable. I wish that I could seriously cook and sometimes I dream of marrying a woman who could cook but that's highly unlikely. My generation is filled with girls who have careers and who text on their cell phones all night long. I'll spend my life making reservations.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

How does it feel Honez? The first sentence above is my permanent answer to those who labelled me incorrectly this passed summer. How did I receive the impression? I aqquired it after reading a large amount of your posts over the years. You operate on many levels. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to grasp the fact that you, Honez, is on another level then the vast majority. I think the impression is that you have presented yourself as a very intelligent human being. The "solving equations impression" wasn't a bad gimmick even as it's false.

 

I don't perceive "life" (using your definition) as a comedy skit but the hoovering alone encourages one to perceive it comically. Does Mrs. H keep a behaviour chart? I thought it was random and it revealed another side of Honez which many would consider admirable. I wish that I could seriously cook and sometimes I dream of marrying a woman but that's highly unlikely. My generation is filled with girls who have careers and who text on their cell phones all night long. I'll spend my life making reservations.