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Bugger, never saw that coming.

What do you and the US Government have in common? You're both reading this joke…

Lotte plays Jane.

Nobody on God's clean earth will ever be as cool as Mary, in a similar way that nobody on God's clean earth will ever be as old as you

From 750 - 1001 you are assassin, It should change when you make your 1001st post. However, it doesn't seem to be updating as LFN's strapline should read "I need to get a life". I assume your looking for a change? yea i would like it changed to something racist or sectarian please. Failing that ' The Alpha & The Omega ' would be great without quotes. Racist or sectarian won't be considered, so it looks like you'll have to make do with The Alpha & The Omega

Makes the - Winehouse, Cobain, Jimi, Janis and Jim - 27 Club look like slackers, eh?

Sorry, no chance. Change the record ffs.

Forget where we had a discussion of Naveena Sine, who was attempting "to prove that people don't need to eat to live", but she's given up her quest on day 45, because she's realised that it's "dangerous".

Murray cuts right through my fog of cynicism every time I hear him speak. Just his voice alone is funny enough, which makes the things he actually said 10 times funnier. A true legend, in an age where people get called that for posting high scores on videogames.

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"