Talk Like A Scotsman/St Andrews Day/Burns nicht

[Lady Grendel 139]

It's that time of year again, so How Scottish are you?

[Banshees Scream 110]

I think the bald guy says something about infested seagulls .. The guy with the hat in the line where he extends his words sounds like an Arab illegally selling tickets at a sub wayseries game ... I swear. :lol: ........ ahhhh hahahaah ahhhh

 

...... Then the lady with the Hendrix hair cut I can understand at some limitation. Something about falling and breaking her neck I made out .. but what is the deal with this Alien business. Is the IQ in that area proved higher? Is it very prestigious in the alien neighbor hoods? The tax is included with the pictured sale prices?

[Tuber Mirum 125]

Banshees, the blond lady is saying "Hey Banshees I'd dae anything for twenty quid. Wannae try me? Ken what I mean like?"

 

I think she likes you.

[Banshees Scream 110]

I hope not. I wouldn't want Notapotato to feel left out.

 

We wouldn't want that to happen, would we now?

 

 

 

(By the way, If my outrageous approach to the very unclear Scottish speaking characters seemed overly exaggerated just realize as being from New York myself listening to some of those Scottish voices is 'in so many words' a strong three star comedy.

[Lady Grendel 139]

.. The guy with the hat in the line where he extends his words sounds like an Arab illegally selling tickets at a sub way series game ... I swear. :lol: ........ ahhhh hahahaah ahhhh ......

 

The guy in the hat is speaking in my native dialect BS, see if you can work out what the Wee Man is saying .

[TAFKAG 70]

Is it OK for a wee English lassie to post here? Some historian bloke reckons the bagpipes aren't quite as big a part of Scottish history as we think. Whatever next - they'll be claiming Scotland didn't win the 1978 World Cup!

[Windsor 2,233]

Is it OK for a wee English lassie to post here? Some historian bloke reckons the bagpipes aren't quite as big a part of Scottish history as we think. Whatever next - they'll be claiming Scotland didn't win the 1978 World Cup!

 

Most Scottish 'traditions' were created in the 19th Century. Scotland seemed to be consumed by a distinctive Highland culture, something from which we still suffer from today. One of the best examples of this is the wearing of the kilt. These days if it is not plastered in tartan, it is not Scottish.

[Monoclinic 39]

And we all know what Tartan leads too...

 

 

... ASBOs

[Madame Defarge 21]

Some pet owners are McNuts

[TAFKAG 70]

That naughty scamp Jezza Paxman has been having another oblique pop at our northern brethren, calling Burns's poetry "sentimental doggerel". Disgraceful, likesay.

[Windsor 2,233]

Happy St. Andrews Day.

 

Only 2 years to go until the referendum...

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Hullawrerr maoaldchinas, howzitgaun? Huvaherry St Andra's day

[deadsox 894]

Wee sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beastie,

O, what panic's in thy breastie!

[Typhoid Harry 23]

I dinna ken ya ken Ken, if I'd a ken ya ken'd Ken I'da ken ya, ken?

[Lady Grendel 139]

Watch the Scottish news.

[Lady Grendel 139]

It's that time of the year again, but it is the 250th anniversary of the birth of Rabbie Burns, love him or hate him, he is, for some (those that huvnae been forced to read Tam O'Shanter at school), a Scottish icon. So I found a group on Facebook called 'You know you are from Scotland when....',, I copied, pasted and edited the replies, here are 100 of them (may I say this a whittled down list, for any non Scots that make it to the end without falling asleep, you can request your prize of a tinned haggis by PM'ing me .).

 

1. "Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind" is good weather!

 

2. A sunny day with temp of 13c is time to wear shorts, skimpy clothes and have a BBQ!

 

3. You call New Year's Eve "Hogmanay" and don't seem to think 2 days national holiday is long enough to recover from the partying!

 

4. You know fried Mars bars are only available in touristy places and nobody actually eats them. Whatsmore if you asked your local chippy to do it you would get this response: "Ken what pal, I'll do it but if my fryer breaks down you are paying me £5,000 sunshine".

 

5. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.

 

6. You know a wide vocabulary of random Scottish words - an idiot is "a numpty". "Aye"- yes. "Aye Right"-not likely. "Atspish"- that's not good. "Auldjin"- someone over 40. "Baltic"-freezing. "bawbag"-useless person. "Dry yer eyes"- aww..diddums."Dry Boak"-sickened. etc

 

7. You know what a Ceilidh is and how to pronounce it properly! You know how to strip the willow and do the Gay Gordons! Guaranteed floor fillers at weddings, grad balls, etc. Up there with the tango as a celebrated dance. Sweatier and more violent than the jive, but maybe not as sexy as Cuban salsa.

 

8. You casually tell foreign friends that if it wasn't for the Scots there would be no telly, penicillin, golf, fax machines, telephones, steam engine, insulin, radar, bicycles etc.

 

9. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever the Scotland national football team play a "diddy" team that we will lose.

 

10.You know that Scotland will never actually win the football World Cup, but keep partying anyway!

 

11.You love the Glasgow "Clockwork Orange" Underground even though it is now like a child's hornby train set compared to other city metro systems.

 

12.People ask you if the Loch Ness Monster exists or haggis is an animal and you try to spread the myth further by stating it's true. Also You can keep a straight face when explaining about a haggis having its left legs shorter than its right and you can catch them by making them run the wrong way round a hill!

 

13. You take a perverse level of pride by the fact that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking related deaths in Europe. At least we know how to party, "Yer a lang time deid".

 

14. You used to get up really early on a Saturday/Sunday to watch cartoons when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You remember Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke!

 

15. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding black pudding, potato scones and square sausage.

 

16. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.

 

17. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched an episode of Weirs Way engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat walking around Scotland.

 

18. You get offended by people calling you "Scotch" (usually Americans or English) which you point out is a whisky not a nationality. You also get offended by English people who call you "Jock" or "Sweaty Sock".

 

19. You don't say small, you say "wee". e.g I fancy the wee burd standing at the bar with the cosmopolitan.

 

20. You can't resist while drunk putting a traffic cone on any statue you are able to clamber up.

 

21. You've also been given change from a fiver for a £1 note by an English shopkeeper and haven't owned up because they should know what the currency looks like!

 

22. You know that when someone asks you which school you went to, they actually want to know if you're a protestant or a catholic.

 

23. You have laughed at Still Game, Chewing the Fat or some other BBC Scotland comedy and...you don't need subtitles to understand.

 

24. You have eaten lots of random Scottish food like Bridies, Aberdeen Rowies(butteries), Mince & Tatties, Haggis, Cullen Skink, Stovies, Tunnock's Teacakes/Snowballs, Scott's Porridge Oats, Macaroon Bars, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pies, Scotch Eggs, Oatcakes, Shortbread, Arbroath Smokies etc.

 

25. A jakey has asked you for money: "Got any spare change pal/hen?"

 

26. You are an expert at dodging charity street fundraisers.

 

27. You wait expectantly for your 1 p change from the shopkeeper.

 

28. You know that someone carrying a blue bag has just bought some bevvy!

 

29. You use the recommended monthly amount of salt in one meal!

 

30. You've seen these classic Scottish films: Trainspotting, The Wicker Man, Gregory's Girl, Braveheart, Restless Natives....etc

 

31. You've been asked by a tourist (probably American) "What time does the 1 o'clock gun go off?" or been asked “where's the castle?”, and then just silently pointed up the hill (Edinburgh only)

 

32. You played cribbie/kirby/kerby as a kid, bouncing balls of kerbsides.

 

33. Your sexuality is questioned if you are not obsessed with football. (Applies to men only).

 

34. You don't see ordinary coos in the field, you see Heelan coos. Yep they are the 70's rock stars of the cattle world, available in 11 shades of orange. Extras include, Harley Davidson handlebar horns!

 

35. There are amazing white beaches (like Wester Ross and Harris) that could be mistaken for Caribbean hideaways in the brochures (kind of). Only problem is it's baltic and you could get hypothermia from just dippin your toes in the water!

 

36. The language makes you smile. How no? = Why not; Monty f*ck = I think you should reconsider your position on that; Ahwizpyoorlik'ahtbut = I was totally amazed/nonplussed/shocked. .."

 

37. You can say drunk in a thousand ways, here's just a few: badgered, bladdered, bleezin', blootered, hawf-cut, cabbaged, guttered, hammered, lashed, leathered, mangled, minced, rubbered, wellied, reekin', banjaxed, stocious, mingin', pished as a fart etc.

 

38. You know that our rain is special. Oh yes, we have the horizontal kind, the misty kind, fat rain, "is it actually raining" rain and the downright dirty! No morning is complete without it, no hairstyle or make-up immune to it. It is our birthright, a gift from above.

 

39. You know what Taggart is or rather was. "Yer brains'll be oan the pavement unless ye help us". The charming Maryhill CID. The classic of course, "Therr's bein a murdurrr".

 

40. You love the banter! Yes, jovial and frivolous conversation, with several skill levels. This is an art form in Scotland. Usually involves crude offensive joking and can be very personal. If you can't take the banter...canter!

 

41. You can't stop yourself humming or even singing to the Proclaimers. Like matching blond action men in glasses, we loved them, we forgot about them, we've revived them. But you know our sense of timing we always wait too long...

 

42. October 7th 2006 & 12th September 2007 were memorable days. Scotland 1 France 0.

 

43. You are probably quite cynical but in a healthy way. You have said "Aye right" on countless occasions.

 

44. You see crazy placenames. For example: Kilmahog, Buckie, Auchenshuggle, Auchtermuchty, Alves, Ballachulish, Ecclefechan, Kirkcudbright and Lairig Grhu. Loch Lochy and Loch Oich also deserves a mention. But best of all: Loch Drunkie.

 

45. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent. E.g. Weegie: "Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Record, cheers, magic pal" Fifer: "Aye, that wifie is getting it oan wi a laddie fae the butchers" Dundonian: "Twa bridies, a plen ane in an ingin ane an a" Aberdonian: "Furryboots are ye fae?, fair few quines in the night eh?" Invernesian: "Ah-ee, Right Enufff! "How's you keeeeeepeeeen?"

 

46. You cringe at foreign people trying to do a Scottish accent (normally really badly!!).

 

47. Making fun of England is a national institution. And vice versa.

 

48. A foreigner has told you: "Oh yes, I love Scotland it was great but....it rained". You have thought "Of course it f*****g rained, it's Scotland, not Spain or Greece. What do you f*****g expect?"

 

49. You know the UK media will say a Scottish person is "British" when they win but "Scottish" when they lose. E.g "Andy Murray beat Federer today, the British No.1 played..." while "Murray was beaten 6-1 in final set,it was a poor performance from the Scot".

 

50. You rarely hear a Hollywood actor do a good Scottish accent; the list of failures are high, Mel Gibson in Braveheart, Fat Bastard in Austin Powers etc or Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire.

 

51. A wedding just wouldn't feel right without a drunken circle of people singing "Loch Lomond" at the end.

 

52. Hogmanay telly wouldn't be the same without "Only An Excuse" and Jackie Bird urging you to dance at home to some Scottish fiddle band playing at the BBC Scotland studio. You tape it because you know you'll probably be too pissed to remember it otherwise.

 

53.You pretend there is nobody in on Halloween night (close curtains, lights dimmed etc) to avoid having to listen to 5 kids from your street tell shockingly bad jokes. You sometimes give in and chuck some peanuts, tangerine and smarties at them etc. You love the fact Hallloween gives you an excuse to dress up, go to a party and get wasted on a "school" night!

 

54. Your christmas stockings always had a tangerine in them.

 

55. You can ask for a poke in any shop without the police being called.

 

56. You don't find anything weird about it being sunny when you walk into a building and find it's pouring with rain/sleet/hail when you walk out.

 

57. You know a Scottish male can have a telephone conversation using only the words "Awright", "Aye" and "Naw".

 

58. You have strange names for body parts. Bum - Bahookie, Face - Coupon/Puss, Armpit - Oxter etc.

 

59. You have experienced the peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink after you've ordered something non-alcoholic. "Mon, have a drink, whit's wrang, ye driving? Naw. Are you no well? Naw. Get yersel a drink, (other folk nearby say the same)...Aw...alright. Wahey!!

 

 

60. Sarcasm is the highest form of wit not the lowest!

 

61. You've said "it wisnae me". You love to pass the buck! It's always someone's fault even if some things just happen.

 

62. You know ye cannae fling pieces oot a twenty storey flat, seven hundred hungry weans'll testify, to that. If it's butter, cheese or jeely, if the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are ninety-nine tae wan.

 

63. You force foreign friends to try haggis and then confess to it's contents once they've eaten it. Haha..evil.

 

64. The phrase "Scots love the summer, it's the best day of the year.." is tragically true.

 

65. You probably need factor 150 sunscreen but convince yourself that you are factor 2 or something. You come home from holiday with third degree burns.

 

66. You know a "Glasgow Kiss" is something you want to avoid and isn't a pleasant experience.

 

67. You have taken Irn-Bru empties back to your local corner shop to get your hands on those precious 20p deposits!! You know the glass irn-bru bottles exchange rate instinctively and feel ripped off if you need more than 4 at most to by a new bottle. You think Irn-Bru tastes better out of a glass bottle anyway. Also, you get excited if you see Irn-Bru on sale anywhere that isn't Scotland. The further away the better. eg. the USA

 

68. The BBC force you to watch England's football matches. You want to strangle Mark Lawrenson and Gary Lineker. You also bet on when they'll mention "1966" and you scrutinise Hansen to see if he says "we" referring to England.

 

69. You've shared happy memories of being wee and drinking creamola foam!

 

70. You have actually eaten a pizza deep-fried in batter. You know that while the deep-fried Mars bar is a myth for tourists, deep-fried pizza - which English people have NEVER heard of - exists and is oh so good.

 

71. You got the belt (before it was banned) at school not the cane.

 

72.You call trick or treating "guising" and you actually had to tell a joke, a poem or sing a song to earn a treat - ahh those were the days!

 

73. You know all the words to the song "you canny shove yer granny aff a bus!" You know you will be singing it or humming it right now!

 

74. You enjoy using Scottish rhyming slang like "Here, are you corn beef or what?"; "I'm Hank Marvin"; "I huvnae a Scooby" "You are talking total Jim White mate" "Whit! Somebody has half-inched my stapler!".

 

75. Your halloween lantern is made from a neep, not a pumpkin.

 

76. You sang "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean", "Three Craws sat upon a Wa’", “Ally Bally Bee” and "Hey Jock Ma Cuddy" when you were a bairn/wean.

 

77. If you live outside Scotland you're affronted by the mere idea of having to work on the 2nd of January.

 

78. You know that Fud is not a short bald guy with a shot gun in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

 

79. You are pished and NOT pissed.

 

80. You love quiz games. You especially love a pub quiz, that delicious combo of challenging your brain while at the same time destroying it!

 

81. You're disgusted by the thought of a pub closing at 11pm.

 

82. You think Frankie Boyle should be made PM instead of that idiot Gordon Brown!

 

83. You know the hopes of the nation rest on the shoulders of eleven men in dark blue.

 

84. In addition to weather forecasts you have midge forecasts.

 

85. As a kid you had a pile of 'The Singing Kettle' videos?? or you have been to see them live:

Spout, handle, lid of metal...whats inside the siiiiiiiiingiiiiing kettle!

 

86. You can't pass a chip/kebab shop without slaverin' when you're blootered!

 

87. You know on Hogmanay strange things happen: taxi fares miraculously double or treble, clubs and bars become "wan in wan oot", drinks are suddenly double the price, it starts to rain, we lose our friends in the crowds, kiss and hug some random strangers wishing them "happy new year"....and after all that we look forward to the next one!

 

88. You have a steak pie for your dinner on New Year's Day.

 

89. You can make entire sentences with just swear words. Also you often put swear words in the middle of words.... Fanfukntastic! absofuknlutely!

 

90. You go 'Doon the water'!Ah yes summer booze cruises fae sunny Glasvegas to Largs/Dunoon/Greenock! (Just Weegies)

 

91. The only surname Glaswegians have is "Bytheway". E.g. Hullo, my name's Jimmy Bytheway"

 

92. You know "it's awfy close" doesn't mean its nearby.

 

93. You can properly pronounce the following:

Kirkcaldy,Milngavie,St.Enoch,Sauchiehall,Auchinairn and AwFurFuckSake....

everyone knows that the more you take the piss, the more you like someone - don't they?

 

94. You can't resist a flutter on the Grand National or Scottish Grand National and you're always swayed by the name rather than form. You'll bet on any Scottish-related name like "Highland Mist", "Thistle do Nicely" etc.

 

95. A couple of days of sunshine is called a "heatwave" and actually makes the national news and tabloid front pages.

 

96. Somebody ye know has used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

 

97. You can bounce in six inch heels all night and still walk home in your bare feet.

 

98. You don't do the groceries or shopping, you do the "messages".

 

99. walking in the woods/countryside you're constantly watching out for the "jaggies" and end up covered in "sticky willies". You go searching for the mythical dock leave to relieve your nettle stings.

 

100. You know "Jakie" is the lowest form of Scot. You can spot a Jakie a mile off and briskly walk across the street while a poor hapless tourist gets caught.

 

and lastly - You are unique! "Wha's like us? Damn few and they're a' deid!"

 

Do I get a prize for longest post in DL history??!!!

 

P.S. Only joking about the tinned haggis, just testing you .

[themaninblack 2,112]

A typical Scotsman...

[Guest Ulrikakakaka]

Did John Leslie ever go to Prison for his crimes against humanity?

[themaninblack 2,112]

Did John Leslie ever go to Prison for his crimes against humanity?

 

Should we care?

 

BTW Argentina's 6-0 defeat of Peru in 1978 was less of a fix than Celebrity Big Brother 2009...

[Windsor 2,233]

This doesn't portray Scotland in a very good light, but if you like Jeremy Kyle, its worth a watch.

Half of them will probably be dead in the next two years so it could be a few cheap points. I'm not sure if it was broadcast south of the border, so for the benefit of all you non-Scots:

 

The Scheme

[Lady Grendel 139]

A few days late, internet was down here on Talk Like a Scotsman Day so posting this now.

 

Sometimes not

recognises the Scottish accent .

[time 8,599]

A few days late, internet was down here on Talk Like a Scotsman Day so posting this now.

 

Sometimes not

recognises the Scottish accent .

 

Reminded me of this: The Party (Still Game, Hogmanay 2006), particularly the interaction with the lads 7 minutes in!

[time 8,599]

Happy Burns Night to those predisposed to celebrate that sort of thing.

 

[Lady Grendel 139]

Happy Burns Night to those predisposed to celebrate that sort of thing.

 

 

 

Thank you time, I am celebrating it, but not with any of the above and I see you managed to miss out Tommy Burns, which may be just as well as there was a slight disagreement (halfway down the page) of opinion between myself and Octopus of Odstock in 2009 about Tommy, nothing personal as I like OoO, but we do agree to disagree on this one.

 

I've had my haggis (a proper one encased in a sheep's stomach and not yon plastic crap the supermarkets sell), neeps and tatties and washed it down with this malt whisky, very nice it is too .

 

This should probably be in the quiz thread but as it's obviously been published for Burns Night I thought I'd post it here. The Guardian's Scottish Writers quiz. I got a fairly average 7/10 and I have to say some were guesses.

[time 8,599]

Happy Burns Night to those predisposed to celebrate that sort of thing.

 

 

 

Thank you time, I am celebrating it, but not with any of the above and I see you managed to miss out Tommy Burns, which may be just as well as there was a slight disagreement (halfway down the page) of opinion between myself and Octopus of Odstock in 2009 about Tommy, nothing personal as I like OoO, but we do agree to disagree on this one.

 

I've had my haggis (a proper one encased in a sheep's stomach and not yon plastic crap the supermarkets sell), neeps and tatties and washed it down with this malt whisky, very nice it is too .

 

This should probably be in the quiz thread but as it's obviously been published for Burns Night I thought I'd post it here. The Guardian's Scottish Writers quiz. I got a fairly average 7/10 and I have to say some were guesses.

 

Being neither a Celtic nor Reading supporter, Tommy Burns was way off my radar. (BTW, I'm not a Pete Burns fan either, nor Kenny Burns if it comes to that, but the old Krypton Factor was way better than the revival; George and Montgomery are just legends).

 

The quiz - if seven is fairly average, I got a below-fairly-average 6. The answers link didn't seem to be working, so I can't even see which ones I got wrong!