A Joke

[Perfect Passing 277]

The Defective Parrot.

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the mail man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!!!

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

David Beckham gets into a cab, and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror, after about 5 minutes, the driver says, ok give me a clue. Becks says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in America and also got over 100 caps for England, is that enough ? Driver says 'No you thick cunt, where you going ?'

[Perfect Passing 277]

I swallowed some scrabble pieces the other day and went to the doctor.

He examined me and said it should be o.k. but going for a shit could spell trouble.

 

[Falkekopf 50]

They gave me a box of tin soldiers to play with as I lay in bed But I tired of my Sergeants and corporals so I played with my privates instead!

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Masambula, an African refugee, has been in England for 2 months & phones his cousin back in Africa. "It's great here," he explains."I go to a place called 'The pub' & we play this game where we throw funny little spears at a round target with numbers on it. I keep winning lots of money." "What's the game called?" asks his cousin. "Not sure," replies Masambula, "but I think it's called Jammy black cunt".

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Google: I know everything.

Facebook: I know everyone.

Internet: Without me, you're nothing.

Electricity: Keep talking fools.

[Perfect Passing 277]

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

 

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty

flight attendant.

 

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the

airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'.

 

The woman looks at him blankly.

 

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the F*ck do you want?'

 

'Ah!' he says

 

"Ryanair".

[the_engineer 1,415]

David moyes has it all wrong ,its not Manchester united that signed him its united utilities in Manchester. They heard he was good at keeping shit afloat .

[Body Snatcher 44 107]

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door...

 

It was my large double meatasaurus with extra cheese and BBQ sauce.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.

 

Thick and difficult to work with.

[Perfect Passing 277]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and

 

The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as

 

English Weather.

 

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the

UK population, it will now be referred to as:

 

 

'Halibut Weather'

 

 

 

 

(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

[the_engineer 1,415]

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.

 

Thick and difficult to work with.

 

but can be molded into a lovely toby jug in the right hands.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Breaking news: the_engineer arrested as part of Operation Yewtree.

[Perfect Passing 277]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a

group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm

your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human

race....................

 

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a

gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

 

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,

more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They

chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch

breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

important.

 

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled

her immensely.

 

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a

pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the

bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little

girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she

had a 'pay packet'.

 

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and

Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

 

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the

house again next week?'

 

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

 

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking

bricks.'

[the_engineer 1,415]

Breaking news: the_engineer arrested as part of Operation Yewtree.

 

haha just seen this.

 

Hey i'm not a washed up celeb from the 80s .

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!

 

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

 

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

 

Sally said, "No".

 

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

 

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[torbrexbones 717]

Just like the old days

 

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

_{A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.}

_{"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.}

 

_{The two Englishmen just stare at him.}

 

_{"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.}

 

_{"Parlare Italiano?" No response,}

 

_{"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.}

 

_{The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.}

 

_{The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."}

 

_{"Why?" says the other,}

 

_{"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."}

[the_engineer 1,415]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new illegal immigrant to the UK.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.........

'Thank you Mr British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani !'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia, I am not from Britain!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work'

[Perfect Passing 277]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new illegal immigrant to the UK.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.........

'Thank you Mr British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani !'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia, I am not from Britain!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work'

 

As of post #1417!

Still funny tho!!

[the_engineer 1,415]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new illegal immigrant to the UK.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.........

'Thank you Mr British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani !'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia, I am not from Britain!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work'

 

As of post #1417!

Still funny tho!!

 

oops sorry man. Now i know how females feel when they turn up to a party in the same dress. lol

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

 

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

 

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

 

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

 

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

 

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

 

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

 

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

 

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

 

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

 

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

 

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

 

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

[Perfect Passing 277]

 

What do you and the US Government have in common?

 

You're both reading this joke…

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife when she was in labour. "Fuck off you bastard" She screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought - It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital