A Joke

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Following the success of channel 4's documentary, 'The man with 10 stone testicles' the next programme about John Terry's mum, 'The woman with the 15 stone cunt' will be screened on August 8th!!

[Perfect Passing 277]

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

 

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

 

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'...........

 

The girl leaned over and said,

 

 

 

 

 

'Burrr … gurrr … king'

[Paul Bearer 5,660]

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

 

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

 

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'...........

 

The girl leaned over and said,

 

 

 

 

 

'Burrr … gurrr … king'

Good one! Gonna steal this one.

[Perfect Passing 277]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

 

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

Don't you just love lawyers?

[Perfect Passing 277]

I DID NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT LAS VEGAS

 

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

 

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,

BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

 

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

 

 

 

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 

 

 

[maryportfuncity 10,017]

Q - Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

 

A - Because he's black!

[Godot 148]

I DID NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT LAS VEGAS

 

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

 

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,

BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

 

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

 

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

 

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

 

 

 

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, I've heard of them, I believe they use the same monastery as the Fish Friars.

[Perfect Passing 277]

The Pilot and the Priest

 

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

 

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. '

When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

[maryportfuncity 10,017]

All this commemoration of the 25th anniversary of the Piper Alpha Disaster has reminded me of a 25 year old question:

 

What has four legs and goes WOOF!!?

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

I'm just home from seeing an Ethiopian DJ..........................................MT Stomach

[Perfect Passing 277]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on.

That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said "Please remove one's shoes darling, one's feet are killing one."

 

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it wouldn't budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder?" Charles yelled back. "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'"

"Come on give it all you've got," she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, "Oh god, that feels so good !"

 

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that."

 

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out,"Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter."

 

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: "That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!"

 

[Lard Bazaar 3,687]

Anyone here from Norfolk?

 

High Six!

 

 

 

 

 

I nicked that from Twitter. Well, I thought it was funny

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,132]

Anyone here from Wiltshire?

 

High Six!

 

 

 

 

 

I nicked that from Twitter. Well, I thought it was funny

EFA

It is!!!

[Lard Bazaar 3,687]

Anyone here from Wiltshire?

 

High Six!

 

 

 

 

 

I nicked that from Twitter. Well, I thought it was funny

EFA

It is!!!

 

Why I oughta........!

[undead 6]

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down

through the family.

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome

plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me

your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you

gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a

couple of bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed

with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

[undead 6]

The Jewish E L B O W

 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who

is coming to visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment

301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow ,

push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is

on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get

out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons

with my elbow? ..........

 

 

"What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?"

[undead 6]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

 

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

 

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."

I said, "How come?"

He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

[Davey Jones' Locker 1,324]

... So a bloke walks into a pub with a steering down his pants.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, you have a steering wheel down your pants!"

 

The man replies, "I know, mate. It's driving me nuts."

[Davey Jones' Locker 1,324]

The Italian Space Program

 

An Italian scientist, Luigi, is visiting NASA. He announces to the staff and government officials there, "You Yankees and Russians think you so clever. One side put a man in space, the other side put a man on the moon. Well, I here to tell you all us Italians even smarter. We prove it. We intend to send man where he never been before. Forget about moon. We send a man to the sun!"

 

The NASA scientists exclaimed "That is impossible. You won't possibly be able to do it. The rocket will burn up millions of miles out and the astronaut. The sun is just too bright!"

 

Luigi replied, "You think us Italians silly? We have solved this problem. We send our astronaut up at night!"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Father O'Reilly let the kids of the Parish shave his hair off for charity.

He was asked afterwards how he felt.

He said, "It feels a bit strange but I actually think it makes my cock look bigger" !!

[Guest Bill McNeil]

Question

 

What is the difference bwtn Rolf Harris (allegedly) and acne?

 

 

Answer

Acne doesn't come on your face until about age 15

[Perfect Passing 277]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

 

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

 

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

 

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

 

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.

 

If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

 

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

 

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

 

'You shag her again.'

[Perfect Passing 277]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

 

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar,

 

announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies,

 

"That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

 

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

 

The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."

 

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

 

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised........."

[Perfect Passing 277]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

 

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

 

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

 

 

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

 

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

 

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

 

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.