A Joke

[Phantom 2,533]

I settled down to watch the new Ron Howard movie, 'Rush', last night. Imagine my surprise when all I saw was prog-rock fiddling and 20-minute drum solos.

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

There was an old woman

Who lived in a shoe

She had so many children

Her uterus fell out.

[Perfect Passing 277]

An Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

 

 

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!

 

 

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England!

 

 

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American

archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

 

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

[Perfect Passing 277]

In a large Scottish hospital, a wee Glaswegian had made several attempts to get into the men's toilet, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies toilet if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist: He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Jings; what a braw feeling, he thought.

Men's toilets never have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable experience.

The ladies toilet was more than just a toilet, it was a tender loving delight, he thought.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

The next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'Whit's happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember wus pushin' the ATR button.

'Ye daft gowk" replied the nurse. "The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your Willie is under your pillow.'

[Perfect Passing 277]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue?"

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America & Europe and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"

Driver replies "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

If only Philip Seymour Hoffman had been a great Methadone actor, he might still be with us.

[Rotten Ali 600]

But he is now staring in The Big Liedownski...

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum

with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no

surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[the_engineer 1,415]

There is uproar about the double toilets at the Olympic venue of sochi .

 

 

 

 

I'm going to be honest I couldn't give two shits.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Thought there was a Dr Who thread somewhere, oh well! The new Dr fucks up his first materialisation

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Does this cloth

Smell like chloroform to you?

[Bibliogryphon 9,572]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

 

 

 

 

To get to the same side....

[Perfect Passing 277]

A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'..... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'...

 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be,

I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

 

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

 

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

 

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

 

There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.

 

“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

 

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

 

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

 

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

 

There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

 

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

 

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Hemel Hempsted sucks!

[themaninblack 2,112]

Hemel Hempsted sucks!

 

The bottom's fallen out of the housing market there...

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Whenever I've been through it on the train, I've always felt like Hemel Hempstead was a massive hole in the ground in the middle of nowhere. Now it turns out I was right!

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Why did the footballer get disqualified from the etch-a-sketch tournament?

 

Because he forgot to clear his lines....

 

*dodges rotten fruit*

[Perfect Passing 277]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop

with his mate when a lorry went by

loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, “I gonna do that when

I win the lottery”.

What's dat ?”, said his mate.

“Send me lawn away to be cut”, said Paddy.

[Perfect Passing 277]

I was in a pub in Barnsley last Satdy neet, when this really unbelievably ugly woman came up to me, squeezed me bum and said, "Give us tha number, sexy."

 

I replied "Has tha got a pen?"

 

She smiled and said "Yes."

 

I replied, "Well tha'd better get back to it, afore t'farmer notices tha's missin."

[Perfect Passing 277]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

 

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have

been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more

than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer

live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise

that it won't happen again.

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and

without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

 

A few moments later, a second text came in:

 

Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Perfect Passing 277]

Ted asked, "Now that you're older and retired, do you still have a job?"

 

Bob replied, "Yes, I'm my wife's sexual advisor."

 

Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"

 

"Very simple. My wife said that when she needs or wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

[Perfect Passing 277]

A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

 

The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male

gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper

thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible

for cleaning the animal cages.

 

Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability

to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a

solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be

willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

 

Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think

the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he

would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

 

1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin’ on’t lips." The

Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

2. "Secund", he said, "Tha’ can’t ever tell anybody abaht

this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all’t bairns raised as

Barnsley fans." Once again it was agreed.

 

 

4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha’s got to gi me

another week to come up wi’ 500 quid”

[themaninblack 2,112]

I'm not going to claim any credit for this so I will directly quote Matthew Norman's joke about the man with the crocodile which was published in the Independent recently:

 

...one being the fella who walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead. “Get it out,” says the barman. “Hang on, it does tricks,” says the man. “Tricks, you barmy bastard? Get it out.” “Calm down,” he says, “you’ll have a thrombosis the way you’re going. You’ve not seen the trick yet.”

 

Other than to report that he places his genitals in its mouth, smacks it on the head with a plank, is pleasured as a result, and then offers £50 to anyone else who cares to try the trick (“I’ll have a go,” pipes up a little old lady, “but don’t hit me on the head as hard as you hit that crocodile,”)