Galento 24 Posted August 27, 2014 The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me bcause she can't afford batteries 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted September 1, 2014 Two lesbians walk into a bar with a donkey. The punchline is shit but you should see the video! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Galento 24 Posted September 2, 2014 Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said " I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best". "I don't think I've ever heard of that one" said the other cowboy ,what is it?" "Well, it's when you get your wife down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear "Boy, these feel just like your sister's". The you try and stay on for 8 seconds!! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted September 8, 2014 Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Cause the sheep got used to the sound of a zip. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Galento 24 Posted September 8, 2014 Just got back from the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It does everything...KitKats. Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato crisps, the lot........... 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted September 9, 2014 This, and the post above, are famous hoax record covers, just thought I'd share them with the group! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted September 9, 2014 You can use more than one image in a post, y'know.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted September 9, 2014 You can use more than one image in a post, y'know.... Yes thanks, I posted one and scuttled off to find the other. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 14, 2014 A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’ He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. ‘What are you going to do,’ the homeowner asks? ‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’ He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. ‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner. If the bear knocks me off the roof...SHOOT THE DOG. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 14, 2014 I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 14, 2014 I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking.' 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 14, 2014 An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia .. ' Melbourne ', he tells her. 'So am I.. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' ' Cameo Street ' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'! HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 14, 2014 Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers,” he said. “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.” When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... I told her, “of course they're too big”. “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will”. “Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.” Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. “Exactly,” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will, so don't forget that.” Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can't possibly get into your knickers,” said Jack. “Exactly,” replied Jill. “And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.” 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted September 21, 2014 An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. [...] HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN Speaking of Australians - did you hear they've found a new use for sheep? Meat and wool. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted September 21, 2014 Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland... ...oh, I mean the United Kingdom. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted September 28, 2014 A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a pastry shop. The Romanian whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The Romanian says to the Scouser, "You see how clever we are? You Scousers can never beat that!" The Scouser says to the Romanian, "Watch dis, any Scouser is smarter dan you, and I'll prove it to ya." He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which the Scouser promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Scouser eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?" The Scouser says.... "Now look in the Romanian's pocket!" 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 6, 2014 I often get told that before I can make fun of the disabled, that I should put myself in their place. So last weekend I did. I have to say that those parking spaces are great. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 6, 2014 I bought a pack of lamb chops the other day. On the pack it said "reared in Wales". I thought that was just a racist stereotype. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat O'Falk 3,290 Posted October 6, 2014 I bought a pack of lamb chops the other day. On the pack it said "reared in Wales". I thought that was just a racist stereotype. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 14, 2014 Angela Merkel is passing through customs on the way into France As she's filling in her form, the customs official asks "Occupation?" "No, just vacation for the weekend" 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 25, 2014 The woman who had our home phone number before us was obviously Latina. We get a lot of phone calls asking variously for Miguel or Manuel. Yesterday someone called asking for a Juan. I replied: "I'm sorry, there's no Juan here." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted October 26, 2014 Apparently the terror cell intercepted by police last week were planning an attack on QPR vs West Ham United next year. ISIS hate: Queens Park rangers the West and Ham 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 27, 2014 Yesterday when I was out shopping, a clown held a door open for me. I thought that was a really nice jester. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted October 27, 2014 I picked up a paper hankie and it ran across the table shouting. It said: "Salmon live in trees and eat pencils, David Moyes is the best football boss there ever was and JFK topped himself with an exploding gob stopper." Honestly, it was nowt but a tissue of lies! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
