A Joke

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

What's Germany's highest-grossing vegetable?

 

 

Michael Schumacher!

 

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

What's dead, Swedish, obitless, and is always scratching her cunt?

 

 

Alice Crabs

 

 

.......

 

Guests, and members who don't follow the DDP that closely won't get that one. But oh well... tough crackers.

[Predictor 1,018]

What's dead, Swedish, obitless, and is always scratching her cunt?

 

 

Alice Crabs

 

 

.......

 

Guests, and members who don't follow the DDP that closely won't get that one. But oh well... tough crackers.

Wish we had a dislike button... :glare: :glare: :glare: :glare:

[Perfect Passing 277]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

 

[time 8,599]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

That's not a joke - its off-Topic

[Perfect Passing 277]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

That's not a joke - its off-Topic

 

I know it is!

But I don't give a Swiss Roll.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

That's not a joke - its off-Topic

Och, Ma ars(e)

[Toast 16,136]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

That's not a joke - its off-Topic

 

Surely he undid her Buttons.

[time 8,599]

Mr. Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in a Mars Bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Curly Wurlies and she rubbed his Maltesers.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

 

But 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out..... Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

That's not a joke - its off-Topic

 

Surely he undid her Buttons.

Trying to give the thread a Boost?

Maybe we should take a time out and play the banjo instead of fudging the issue.

[themaninblack 2,112]

Surely if he fingered her fudge he wouldn't have got himself into so much trouble...

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I've just been diagnosed with Lord McAlpine syndrome. It's a raspy-Tory condition.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

If there's a Volkswagon for everyone I'd love to see the one driven by the chief rabbi.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I just thought of a great one but I'm saving it for when Pope Benny Dicked dies.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I accidentally walked in on a Banshee having a wank.

 

Now I'm covered in Banshee's cream.

[CaptainChorizo 1,977]

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

...that was already posted in the football thread yesterday. (Edit: er... 2 days ago actually.)

 

At the risk (no, certainty actually) of sounding like one of those millions of unbearable gormless twats whose lives revolve around watching "Mock the Week" repeats on Dave............. :

 

"This is what happens when Americans try to talk about football!"

[Perfect Passing 277]

 

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.

 

The waiting room was filled with patients.

 

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

 

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

The room erupted in applause…

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

What do you call 6 million rappers/hip-hoppers being gassed to death?

 

The Hollercaust.

[the_engineer 1,415]

What do you call 6 million rappers/hip-hoppers being gassed to death?

 

The Hollercaust.

 

I call it progress .

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Do you remember during the floods, those nice chappies from Halibut Aid who came to the rescue of people who'd had their homes wrecked? Well they're gonna have some new competitors next time.

 

Sikh Help.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

A guy moves to Tibet and joins a monastery - a really strict one, where the monks are only allowed to speak every 5 years.

 

So anyway, he lives there and after 5 years they're all sitting there at breakfast one morning and one of the senior monks says "Does anyone have anything to say?"

 

And the guy says "Yeah. This porridge is too lumpy."

 

So another five years go past and the senior monk says "Does anyone have anything to say?"

 

And the guy says "Yeah. Now the porridge is too cold".

 

After another 5 they're all sitting there again and the senior monk says again "Does anyone have anything to say?"

 

And the young monk says "Yeah. Now this porridge is too hot. In fact, I'm sick of this rubbish I'm leaving."

 

"Well thank fuck for that, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

 

--------------

 

Oh yeah also....... since they're talking about bringing back Stars In Their Eyes, how about this old classic:

 

Did you hear about the guy who went on Stars In Their Eyes as Glenn Miller? He walked through the mist and nobody's seen him since.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

The England game is on a gay porn channel tomorrow night, where people will gladly pay to watch 11 arseoles being hammered senseless for 90 minutes!

[Perfect Passing 277]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

 

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

 

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Perfect Passing 277]

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nations capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

 

"Yes, Father..?" said the nurse.

 

"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die," whispered the priest.

 

"I' ll see what I can do Father", replied the nurse

 

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.

 

As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."

 

Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

 

When they arrived at the priests room, the priest took Davids hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priests face.

 

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

 

"Amen, " said David

 

"Amen," said Nick

 

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving b**tards; and I would like to do the same."

[Perfect Passing 277]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

 

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

 

Woods says "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

 

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.

 

Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

 

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

 

"Yes, I've been playing for years."

 

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

 

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves > to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

 

"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

 

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

 

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

 

Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

 

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.

 

Is that a problem?"

 

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.

 

When would you like to play?"

 

Stevie: "Pick a night."