Paul Bearer 6,132 Posted June 20, 2018 I'm so angry I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. . . . . . I M LIVID. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 20, 2018 Imagine The Titanic with a lisp. It's unthinkable. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 20, 2018 Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted June 20, 2018 3 hours ago, runebomme said: Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are... Nice one, can I cash in dead pool points on Olivia de Havilland now then? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted June 20, 2018 Hi-fived a cyclist tonight He said "fuck off I'm turning left!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted June 21, 2018 An Englishman goes on his honeymoon with his wife in France. On the first night they were there the concierge notices the man leave the hotel late in the evening with all his fishing gear. He thinks to himself, "this is very strange behaviour for a man on his honeymoon." The next night the man leaves the hotel at the same time and again the concierge notices this and thinks it is very strange. The next night it happens again so the concierge decides to go and talk to the man. "Excusez-moi monsieur, but you are on your honeymoon with your new wife ne c'est pas?" "Yes, that's right" "Well, monsieur, it izz far from me to tell you how to live your life, ahh but it is customary for a man on his honeymoon to spend ze evening making love to his wife" "I'm afraid that is impossible because she suffers from terrible herpes." "Oh monsieur. monsieur I am so sorry to hear this. But monsieur, you have heard of such a thing as oral sex?" "I'm afraid that is out of the question as well as she suffers from terrible gingivitis." "Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, this is terrible," says the concierge. But he thinks, in for a penny in for a pound. "Well have you ever tried ze anal sex?" "Can't she has haemmorrhoids." "Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, monsieur. I am so sorry to hear of all zis. But if you permit me one question. Why would a man such as yourself marry a woman, so .......afflicted?" "Well, she has worms as well and it is the best damn bait I've ever used!" 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 21, 2018 15 hours ago, Dr_T said: An Englishman goes on his honeymoon with his wife in France. On the first night they were there the concierge notices the man leave the hotel late in the evening with all his fishing gear. He thinks to himself, "this is very strange behaviour for a man on his honeymoon." The next night the man leaves the hotel at the same time and again the concierge notices this and thinks it is very strange. The next night it happens again so the concierge decides to go and talk to the man. "Excusez-moi monsieur, but you are on your honeymoon with your new wife ne c'est pas?" "Yes, that's right" "Well, monsieur, it izz far from me to tell you how to live your life, ahh but it is customary for a man on his honeymoon to spend ze evening making love to his wife" "I'm afraid that is impossible because she suffers from terrible herpes." "Oh monsieur. monsieur I am so sorry to hear this. But monsieur, you have heard of such a thing as oral sex?" "I'm afraid that is out of the question as well as she suffers from terrible gingivitis." "Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, this is terrible," says the concierge. But he thinks, in for a penny in for a pound. "Well have you ever tried ze anal sex?" "Can't she has haemmorrhoids." "Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, monsieur. I am so sorry to hear of all zis. But if you permit me one question. Why would a man such as yourself marry a woman, so .......afflicted?" "Well, she has worms as well and it is the best damn bait I've ever used!" I think that's the most disgusting joke I have ever heard 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,755 Posted June 21, 2018 5 hours ago, runebomme said: I think that's the most disgusting joke I have ever heard Give it time. Not even close. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted June 21, 2018 If it's disgusting you want then there is this little limerick my brother-in-law told me. There once was a young man named Keith, Who'd circumcise men with his teeth. It wasn't for leisure Or for sexual pleasure, It was to get to the cheese underneath. OR if you prefer.... There once was a young girl named Mandy, Who's husband was incredibly randy. But through a fault in his plumbing, He'd piss before cumming, Producing an odd tasting shandy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted June 24, 2018 What is a sure sign that Jesus is taking a walk? A boat adrift with no one aboard. My own joke. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,132 Posted June 24, 2018 2 hours ago, bladan said: What is a sure sign that Jesus is taking a walk? A boat adrift with no one aboard. My own joke. Don't give up your day job. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 25, 2018 What a morning…… 8:00 I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t made a snow woman. 8:15 I made a snow woman. 8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the voluptuous chest on the snow woman. 8:20 The gay couple living across the street complained that it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:25 The neighbours on the left, who are vegans, complained that the orange nose, a carrot, this needs to be something else because food is for eating and not to decorate a snowman and woman with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The husband of Fatima wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf. 8:40 The Police arrives to see what’s going on. 8.42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because this could be being used as a striking weapon. 8:50 The Salafi jihadist militant group Islamic State made itself known as the snowman. 8:52 My phone is being seized and thoroughly checked while I being blindfolded and flown to the Police station in a helicopter. 9:00 I am asked if I have any accomplices. Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman or snow whatever again. It’s too dangerous!! I wish everybody a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 25, 2018 American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks. Librarians will be issued silencers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 25, 2018 During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted June 25, 2018 I am trying to be funny. I just invented another joke in Finnish. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grim Up North 3,771 Posted June 25, 2018 1 hour ago, bladan said: I am trying to be funny. I just invented another joke in Finnish. Your career in comedy is certainly Finnished! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 25, 2018 minus 20 outside and a bottle of finlandia you would laugh too 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grim Up North 3,771 Posted June 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, runebomme said: minus 20 outside and a bottle of finlandia you would laugh too Yes I've spent time in Mäntsälä - had a fire alarm practice and had to stand outside for half an hour in about minus 20 without a bottle of Finlandia. It was January when I was there, very white and grey and bleak. Brrrrrrrrr Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted June 28, 2018 Some wry amusement to be gained from Keiran Poole's podcast - free download too Link: https://kieranpoole.podbean.com/ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted June 29, 2018 In tribute to the late Dr William McBride. Three women were waiting at the obstretician's office and they were all knitting. The first puts down her knitting and takes a tablet and the other two ask, "What's that?" "It's a calcium supplement so my baby has strong teeth and bones." The second lady puts down her knitting and takes a tablet and the others ask, "What's that?" "Its a folate supplement so my baby won't get spina bifida." The third lady puts down her knitting and takes a tablet. "What's that?" ask the other two. "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted June 29, 2018 And in tribute to another recently departed Australian. An elderly man and an elderly woman would meet in the park every day. They did this for a few months and then the old guy says, "We've been meeting here every day for a while now and no-one pays us much attention. How about while we sit here, you hold my penis?" The old girl thinks about it for a while and agrees, so after that they would meet in the park every day and while they sat there watching the world go by, she would hold his penis. And every day for a couple of years they did this. One day, the old man wasn't sitting on their bench and the old girl panicked thinking the worst. She raced (as best she could) around the park and eventually found him sitting on another bench with another old lady and she was holding his penis. She was livid. "How dare you come here to our park and sit on the bench with this woman with her holding your penis. What's she got that I haven't got?" The old bloke smiled and looked her in the eye and said, "Parkinson's disease." 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 30, 2018 This morning I made my hamster an extra strong espresso coffee and crushed some caffeine pills up in his food ... I'd hate for him to fall asleep at the wheel. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 30, 2018 Interesting that feminists are never feminine. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 30, 2018 "He used me for sex" No, you used sex to get something else out of him and it didn't work. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 1, 2018 My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
