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went for a job interview as a computer programmer yesterday. They asked "do you do much binary nowadays?" I said, "on and off".

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What's yellow & blue with a really tight cunt at one end?. An Aldi bag.

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Asked about a meeting with the worlds most evil communist leader, Donald Trump said “I will never meet that cunt Corbyn”

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I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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18 hours ago, runebomme said:

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

What's funny about that?  It's more the truth than a joke.

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On 13/06/2018 at 15:32, Paul Bearer said:

What's funny about that?  It's more the truth than a joke.

 

 

All in the telling I guess

 

Jerry Sadowitz usually gets a laugh on stage when he cracks a joke along the lines of "I was supposed to be doing a gig for starving Ethiopians tonight (pause to look around the gig he's actually playing)...but fifty quid's fifty quid, eh?"

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I'm so angry I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

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I M LIVID.  

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Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

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Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

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3 hours ago, runebomme said:

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

 

 

Nice one, can I cash in dead pool points on Olivia de Havilland now then?

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Hi-fived a cyclist tonight

 

He said "fuck off I'm turning left!"

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An Englishman goes on his honeymoon with his wife in France.  On the first night they were there the concierge notices the man leave the hotel late in the evening with all his fishing gear.  He thinks to himself, "this is very strange behaviour for a man on his honeymoon."

The next night the man leaves the hotel at the same time and again the concierge notices this and thinks it is very strange.  The next night it happens again so the concierge decides to go and talk to the man.

 

"Excusez-moi monsieur, but you are on your honeymoon with your new wife ne c'est pas?"

"Yes, that's right"

"Well, monsieur, it izz far from me to tell you how to live your life, ahh but it is customary for a man on his honeymoon to spend ze evening making love to his wife"

"I'm afraid that is impossible because she suffers from terrible herpes."

"Oh monsieur. monsieur I am so sorry to hear this.  But monsieur, you have heard of such a thing as oral sex?"

"I'm afraid that is out of the question as well as she suffers from terrible gingivitis."

"Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, this is terrible," says the concierge.  But he thinks, in for a penny in for a pound.  "Well have you ever tried ze anal sex?"

"Can't she has haemmorrhoids."

"Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, monsieur.  I am so sorry to hear of all zis.  But if you permit me one question.  Why would a man such as yourself marry a woman, so .......afflicted?"

"Well, she has worms as well and it is the best damn bait I've ever used!"

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15 hours ago, Dr_T said:

An Englishman goes on his honeymoon with his wife in France.  On the first night they were there the concierge notices the man leave the hotel late in the evening with all his fishing gear.  He thinks to himself, "this is very strange behaviour for a man on his honeymoon."

The next night the man leaves the hotel at the same time and again the concierge notices this and thinks it is very strange.  The next night it happens again so the concierge decides to go and talk to the man.

 

"Excusez-moi monsieur, but you are on your honeymoon with your new wife ne c'est pas?"

"Yes, that's right"

"Well, monsieur, it izz far from me to tell you how to live your life, ahh but it is customary for a man on his honeymoon to spend ze evening making love to his wife"

"I'm afraid that is impossible because she suffers from terrible herpes."

"Oh monsieur. monsieur I am so sorry to hear this.  But monsieur, you have heard of such a thing as oral sex?"

"I'm afraid that is out of the question as well as she suffers from terrible gingivitis."

"Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, this is terrible," says the concierge.  But he thinks, in for a penny in for a pound.  "Well have you ever tried ze anal sex?"

"Can't she has haemmorrhoids."

"Oh monsieur, monsieur, monsieur, monsieur.  I am so sorry to hear of all zis.  But if you permit me one question.  Why would a man such as yourself marry a woman, so .......afflicted?"

"Well, she has worms as well and it is the best damn bait I've ever used!"

I think that's the most disgusting joke I have ever heard

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5 hours ago, runebomme said:

I think that's the most disgusting joke I have ever heard

Give it time. Not even close.

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If it's disgusting you want then there is this little limerick my brother-in-law told me.

 

There once was a young man named Keith,

Who'd circumcise men with his teeth.

It wasn't for leisure

Or for sexual pleasure,

It was to get to the cheese underneath.

 

OR if you prefer....

 

There once was a young girl named Mandy,

Who's husband was incredibly randy.

But through a fault in his plumbing,

He'd piss before cumming,

Producing an odd tasting shandy.

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What is a sure sign that Jesus is taking a walk? A boat adrift with no one aboard.

 

My own joke.

 

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2 hours ago, bladan said:

What is a sure sign that Jesus is taking a walk? A boat adrift with no one aboard.

 

My own joke.

 

Don't give up your day job. 

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What a morning……
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t made a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the voluptuous chest on the snow woman.
8:20 The gay couple living across the street complained that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The neighbours on the left, who are vegans, complained that the orange nose, a carrot, this needs to be something else because food is for eating and not to decorate a snowman and woman with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The husband of Fatima wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 The Police arrives to see what’s going on.
8.42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because this could be being used as a striking weapon.
8:50 The Salafi jihadist militant group Islamic State made itself known as the snowman.
8:52 My phone is being seized and thoroughly checked while I being blindfolded and flown to the Police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman or snow whatever again. It’s too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

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American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.  Librarians will be issued silencers.

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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I am trying to be funny. I just invented another joke in Finnish.

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1 hour ago, bladan said:

I am trying to be funny. I just invented another joke in Finnish.

 

Your career in comedy is certainly Finnished!

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 minus 20  outside and a bottle of finlandia you would laugh too

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5 minutes ago, runebomme said:

 minus 20  outside and a bottle of finlandia you would laugh too

 

Yes I've spent time in Mäntsälä - had a fire alarm practice and had to stand outside for half an hour in about minus 20 without a bottle of Finlandia. It was January when I was there, very white and grey and bleak. Brrrrrrrrr

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