Jump to content

Recommended Posts

What did head of the Gestapo say to a dead parrot?

"Ve haf vays of making you talk!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, The Quim Reaper said:

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

 

Kettering?  Am I missing a double entendre here?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Toast said:

 

Kettering?  Am I missing a double entendre here?

 

Oh no, it was a genuine minor news story! Good way to liven up such a dismal place.

  • Haha 1
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

BeSeen.jpg.9c8292dadbf57bf57098790c995cbc63.jpg

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, maryportfuncity said:

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are...

Does that mean that Kirk is 3% on the way to becoming immortal?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, torbrexbones said:

Does that mean that Kirk is 3% on the way to becoming immortal?

No, Captain Kirk is already immortal

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A novelty joke! Invented by me, translated from Finnish. I hope anything wasn't lost in translation.

 

How did a cat react to the climate change?

It became mouse neutral.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mommy, Mommy! It's way too cold and dark in here.

 

– Shut up or I'll push the fast-freeze button.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What is the worst enemy of Teemu Pukki?

– Keripukki (scurvy)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Who is the best friend of Teemu Pukki?

– Joulupukki (Santa Claus)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?

Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may also pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 


Julie was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.

Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section, "How much is this gold tinsel garland?"

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, "This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter."

"Wow, that's great", said Julie, "I'll take 12 meters."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Julie.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said to the youth, "My Grandpa will settle the bill."

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Went to see that Gang film blue story in Birmingham the other night .. Fuck me the 3D is realistic.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why should clocks be sprayed with insecticide?

 

Because time flies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An Aberdonian husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says ...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
...
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is that the correct term: Aberdonian?  (I know, google be my friend..... just comes across as convoluted, but then again I'm a Michigander, so... :facepalm: )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Sir Creep said:

Is that the correct term: Aberdonian?  (I know, google be my friend..... just comes across as convoluted, but then again I'm a Michigander, so... :facepalm: )

 

Aberdonian or sheep shagger are both acceptable

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Wee Jum said:

 

Aberdonian or sheep shagger are both acceptable

The latter is universal. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kimi Räikkönen ja Alfa Romeon tallipäällikkö kinastelivat palaverissa. Seuraavaan kilpailuun Kimi otti mukaansa kissan. "Mitä tuo täällä tekee", tallipäällikkö ihmetteli. "No kun sä sanoit että vauhti on kateissa"

 

(My joke is almost funny but impossible to translate)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, bladan said:

Kimi Räikkönen ja Alfa Romeon tallipäällikkö kinastelivat palaverissa. Seuraavaan kilpailuun Kimi otti mukaansa kissan. "Mitä tuo täällä tekee", tallipäällikkö ihmetteli. "No kun sä sanoit että vauhti on kateissa"

 

(My joke is almost funny but impossible to translate)

FFS. (Translates just the same in all languages) 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, Paul Bearer said:

FFS. (Translates just the same in all languages) 

Ok too difficult for you as usual. The expression "Vauhti on kateissa" means not only "pace is missing" but also "pace is in cats". That's why Kimi got a cat. No shit Sherlock

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×

Important Information

Your use of this forum is subject to our Terms of Use